THE FAMILY JEWELS An Eroica Musical by Kat Benedict CAST Klaus Von Eberbach Dorian Red Gloria, aka Eroica The Ace of Diamonds, a thief Agents A, B, C, G, T, U, and V Herr Schwartz, Klaus' lawyer Three Police Klaus' Butler Chorus The speaking parts are written blandly, so as to leave room and freedom for improvisation. Song lyrics are indented. Lines of lyrics that I neglected to indent have a star drawn next to them. Lines typed side by side are sung simultaneously. Scene I Eroica : Klaus, Agents, and Herr Schwarts Scene II South Sea Wind : Chorus and Dorian Scene III Oh My Darling Eberbach : Dorian You Don't Believe How Much I Love You : Dorian and Klaus Scene IV At the Flicker of a Blade : Chorus To Catch a Thief/A Man’s Gun is his Pride : Klaus and Dorian Partners : Dorian and Klaus Scene IV and V All Alone : Dorian and Ace A Man Who Says "Nein" : Dorian, Ace, and Klaus What Should We Do With the Thief? : Ace and Dorian Scene VI All Alone (reprise) : Klaus Oh My Darling Little Klaus : Dorian, Three Police, and Klaus He Thinks of Me : Klaus Act I Scene I: Klaus' Munich office, morning Klaus (sp): First of all, I want to commend you on your efforts in the Cairo affair. Agents A, B and C, good work. Agents A, B and C: Thank you. Major. Klaus: Which brings us to the Berlin crisis. Agents T, U, and V, any news? Agents T, U, and V: No sir. Klaus: And on Operation Desert Peach? Agent G? Agent G: (giggles) I'll need more time to *drag* the information out. Klaus: Mein Gott. [There is a knock at the door] Klaus: Ja! Enter! [Enter Herr Schwartz, the family lawyer.] Klaus: Ah. Herr Schwartz! What brings you here? (sees box in Schwartz's hands) Ah, yes. The inheritance. The Von Eberbach family jewels. Herr Schwartz: Yes sir, except—— Klaus: (grabs box) Well, let's have a look, shall we? Herr Schwartz: S-sir, there's something I have to tell you-- Klaus: (opens box) What's this? (withdraws a playing card) Where are the jewels? Herr Schwartz: That's what I've been trying to tell you. When I picked them up from the estate, the box was empty, except for that card. Klaus: (reads card aloud) The Ace of Diamonds. (slams box and card down) EROICA!!! Agent G: Now don't jump to conclusions, sir. Klaus: Ace of Diamonds? Ha! Try "Prince of Thieves"! What does he take me for, a fool? Madman! Lunatic! He must think that I'm some moron, That Prince of Thieves That King of Fools! To think of him Ach! It makes my blood boil! His sticky little fingers around my family jewels He's dead. I'll break him yet, I swear it I'll break him like he breaks the rules Agents and Herr Schwartz: Dorian Red Gloria AKA Eroica All: This time he's gone too far! Klaus: Achtung! Achtung! I want this madman found. Bring him back to me, and schnell I will not play around (picks up card) You best prepare To take it like a man, you always say "In for a pence in for a pound" Agents: And he's certainly in for a pounding Eberbach's going to give him a sounding Klaus: Off! Off his rocker! Agent G: What a shocker. All: Eroica You've finally done the big one He/I can't forgive; you've hit too close to home Eroica Whatever were you thinking? Is this some trap? Agents: If you steal it, he will come Klaus: I'll go. It's between he and I I'll catch him on my own All: Eroica, Eroica Agents: Klaus: Eroica! His death is mine and mine alone! Scene II A luxury cruise ship. Dorian basks in the sunshine while a sexy Jamaican man rubs oil onto Dorian's back. Other hunky island boys attend. Jamaican man: Softer dan de island sands Brighter dan de tropical,sun Sweeter dan de breezes on de emerald sea, Is me pretty Dorian Oh-sing-a Blue blue-skies Not bluer dan he eyes Oh a South Sea wind Not warmer dan he skin Other Boys: Dorian! Jamaican man: Blue blue skies, Not bluer dan he eyes Like a South Sea wind Is me pretty Dorian Another Cute Jamaican: He hair as yellow as ripe banana He skin as white as coconut He got a smile brighter dan de sun And like de moon he fabulous butt! All men except Dorian: Oh-sing-a Blue blue skies Not bluer dan he eyes Oh a South Sea wind Not warmer dan he skin Dorian! Blue blue skies Not bluer dan he eyes Like a South Sea wind Is me pretty Dorian Girl #1: He looks good enough to eat Girl #2: I for one wouldn't mind a taste Girl #3: But he likes other pretty, pretty men All Girls: Aww, what a waste. All (except Dorian): Oh-sing-a Blue blue skies Not bluer dan he eyes Oh a South Sea wind Not warmer dan hee skin Dorian! Blue blue skies Not bluer dan he eyes Like a South Sea wind Is me pretty Dorian (repeat chorus 3 more times.) Final repetition: ...Like a South Sea wind Is me pretty Dorian Dorian! [phone rings. Everyone freezes in final pose of song/dance] Steward: Pardon me, sir. A call for you. [Dorian picks up the phone] Dorian: Yes? James! What is it, love? Oh? He did? He is? *Me*? Well, I'll just have to set the silly boy straight, now won't I? [hangs up the phone] He needs me! Crew: Dorian: Blue blue skies Like the emerald sea Not bluer dan he eyes His eyes are fabulous green Oh a South Sea wind Oh to see him again Not warmer dan he skin Dorian! He needs me! Blue blue skies Ah- ah- ah- Not bluer dan he eyes Ah- ah- Like a South Sea wind I'll find his jewels for him Is me pretty Dorian Dorian! He needs me! All: La, la, la... (to fade as curtain closes) Scene III - Von Eberbach manor. Klaus paces in his study. Klaus: I will find him, when I do His days of thieving will be through [Enter Butler] Butler: Master, there's someone here to see you-- [Dorian bursts in, rushes to Klaus] Dorian: Oh my Darling Eberbach Major Klaus Von Eberbach How I love you Eberbach, my own You drive me mad, Von Eberbach I'm so sad Von Eberbach I'm not bad, Von Eberbach I just love you and you alone I'm your dear Eroica Ever near Eroica Always here Eroica for you Never doubt Eroica Just call out "Eroica" For his Kraut Eroica always comes through In the closet of your mind If you look I'm sure you'll find That true happiness is here In the love you fear And I'm sure you'll realize If you look into my eyes What we both have always known You love me too. La la lala lalala... (dances around Klaus like a gypsy, provocative and teasing) (grandly:) Take me, I'm yours, Von Eberbach Mi Amore, Von Eberbach Make love, not war, Von Eberbach, with me Take my hand, Von Eberbach Make a stand, Von Eberbach Love is grand, Von Eberbach Try and you'll see La la lala lalala... (more dance, till Klaus trips him.) Klaus: You have your nerve! Coming in like this after what you did! Dorian: But I didn't! James called me and told me everything. Oh my poor darling! You must be so upset! But don't fret love. I'll get your jewels back for you. I swear it. Klaus: Yes, you certainly will, Ace of Diamonds! Dorian: Ace of Diamonds? What are you on about? Klaus: This card. Left in the empty box. Dorian: Let me see. (studies card, front and back) Klaus: Then it wasn't you? Dorian: Heavens no! The only family jewels I want from you are in your pants. Klaus: Shut up! Don't start that! Dorian: All right. Where did the jewels come from? Klaus: From my great-grandmother Dorian: But where? Klaus: In her safe ' Dorian: In *what town*, bunny? Klaus: Oh. In London. And don't call me -- Dorian: And the jewels came directly from the estate? Who fetched them? Klaus: Herr Schwartz. Our family lawyer. (defensively) He is a trusted friend! He would never-- Dorian: Were the jewels in the box when he got it? Klaus: Nein. Dorian: Then let's begin our search in London. Klaus: "Our" search? Oh, no. I don't want you anywhere near me. Dorian: But I can help you! Klaus: How? Do you know something you're not telling me? Dorian: Lots, darling, but not about this. I love you and I want to help you. Klaus: You just want to follow me around and torment me. No! You stay away. NATO can't force me to work with you this time! (starts to storm out, stops and turns back to Dorian) And don't talk about love to me! It's perverse! [Exit Klaus] Dorian: Oh, Klaus. You don't believe how much I love you How can I prove to you what I can't explain? It's not by choice I had no voice in this madness You don't believe how pure my love is You try and find some way to turn it around Inside my heart. I felt the start of the greatest joy and-pain I've ever known You've got to believe That I would never want to hurt you If I would have known, I would have kept it all inside But I still believe someday my love is going to touch you And I couldn't deny this feeling if I had tried. You don't believe how much I love you To tell the truth I can't believe it myself I'm not the kind To lose my mind so completely Who would have thought that I could change so? I'm not the errant youth I was when we met Because of you My life's brand new and there's meaning where before there was none. And so this thief Will make believe Somehow, someday you'll believe in him too. (Re-enter Klaus) Klaus: I've thought it over. You may come. With your knowledge of the criminal underworld, you may of some use. Dorian: (excitedly). Yes! All right! I'll get my things! (exit Dorian) Klaus: I don't believe how much I need him His expertise, his cunning deviant ways I wish that I Could just get by without him I hate to say, I kind of like him And there's the rub, I cannot let him too close It would be wrong To lead him on Klaus Dorian: (appears upstage, spotlighted) I don't believe I'll ever love him You don't believe how much I love you How can I dare disgrace How can I prove to you The Eberbach name? What I can't explain? I have no choice It's not by choice I have no voice in this madness I have no voice in this madness He doesn't love me, anyway You don't believe how pure my love is It's only lust, You try and find It's mere desire Some way to turn it around Inside his heart Inside my heart It's just a spark I felt the start of a lesser fire Of the greatest joy and Pain I've ever known I don't believe how much I need him He needs me (lights fade, curtain drops) Scene IV— a London pier at midnight. All sorts of riff-raff, thieves, murderers, prostitutes, smugglers, etc. fill the stage Chorus: Mean Streets — it's a dangerous world Midnight on the pier Bad boys and dangerous girls Gather in the shadows here Dirty streets and back alleyways Come into the lion's den One false step and you're missing for days Or you're never seen again Your fate can change At the flicker of a blade In the glimmer of a murderous eye Your final rest In the ocean's briny breast At the flicker of a blade You can die Cockney man: A master of the Black Art am I It is not a glamorous life Me son's a spiv, me daughter is a yegg Would y' care to meet the Charmin’ Wife? [holds up knife] Chorus: Hungry streets full of desperate blokes Scarper in' like alley cats Waitin' for a piece of fresh meat To gobble up like hungry rats- Your fate can change At the flicker of a blade If you've got the knack and skill Your fortune made At the flicker of a blade At the flicker of a blade You could kill Girls: Civvie street, respectable life, We cater to the gentleman's vice On display In a dirty alleyway And sell it for a real fine price Chorus 1: Chorus 2: Mean streets, a dangerous world At the flicker of a blade Midnight on the pier Bad boys and dangerous girls At the flicker of a blade Gather in the shadows All: At the flicker of a blade At the flicker of a blade We could kill [enter Klaus and Dorian] Klaus: Nice place you've got here, Eroica. You really ought to carry a weapon. Dorian: I have my knives. You know I hate guns. Klaus: I know. But you ought to learn how to use one. They can save your life. You need firepower, not little stickpins. Dorian: To catch a thief You must think like a thief And who's better at that than I? When on the streets You live by your wits You learn to be clever or die Klaus: To catch a thief You must think like a thief Concerning that point, you are right But you also must have Some muscle and power A weapon or two at your side Now you've got your dagger and knife And perhaps you could safeguard your life But a real man needs iron and steel For there's nothing on Earth like the feel Of a gun A man's gun is his pride She'll be there by his side Close to his heart Never apart More faithful than a bride Dorian: Do you sleep with it too? Klaus: A man's gun is his friend It'll be there in the end Dorian: I like the sound of that Klaus: And night or day Will point the way A gun on which to depend Dorian: You know, they say the size of a man's gun is directly proportionate to the size of his... YOWZA! {Klaus unholsters gun] Klaus: Give it respect, this is not a joke [Dorian strokes the barrel] Always remember, relax and don’t choke [Helps Dorian hold it properly] A rod of pure fire, thunder and smoke [Dorian is clearly getting turned on] Dorian: Oh God!!! [Dorian walks forward, holding the gun as Klaus instructed him to] Klaus: A man's gun is his strength Its size, its power, its length With it in hand You're in command A man's gun is his strength Now hold it, steady, aim it, ready... [Dorian gives an orgasmic cry,licks the barrel, and collapses in a swoon] Klaus: Disgusting pervert!!! [picks up gun gingerly] Now I'll have to disinfect it! (Klaus starts to leave) Dorian: Hang about, gov'nah! (leaps to his feet) A cold shower and I'll be fine. Klaus: Stop talking about it! Go away! I will find the Ace of Diamonds myself. Dorian: No you won't. You need me. You said so yourself. You wouldn't even be this close if it wasn't for me. Klaus: Close? How do you know if we're close or not? This could all be some ruse to get me alone in the dark. If this is just an opportunity for you to plague me with your perverse baitings... Dorian: I want to help you. God knows why, you ingrate. You'd go blasting your way into every situation if I let you. Sometimes one needs to use a little delicacy. A little finesse. Klaus: And sometimes you need a show of power. My "blasting away" has saved your fancy ass more times than I can remember. Dorian: Do you like to remember my fancy ass, Klaus? Klaus: How would you like that cold shower now, Herr Red Gloria? In the Thames! Dorian: Not at all, thanks. Listen. Bandying about on a pier is not going to help us find the Ace of Diamonds. Klaus: You're right. So go home. Dorian: Nein. (they glare at each other.) Dorian: Can I hold your gun again? Klaus: Ach!!! [He grabs a tarp from the edge of a boat and covers Dorian's head with it. The name on the side of the ship is now revealed: The Ace of Diamonds.] Dorian: (laughs and pulls off tarp) Hey! Klaus! (points to the ship) Klaus: The Ace of Diamonds! Dorian: I was wrong. Bandying about *did* help. Klaus: A boat! Dorian: Very good, Citizen Klaus. Now what? Klaus: (unholsters his gun) Now to reclaim my jewels! Dorian: Hold on. Cowboy! We don't know with whom we are dealing. I advise caution. [Klaus turns to audience, steps forward. Dorian is "frozen"] Klaus: I'm not going to be able to do anything with *him* here. But how to get rid of him? Dorian: (To audience, also steps forward, away from Klaus) He's going to get in over his head. I could do this myself. But how do I get him to leave? [They resume their previous positions] Klaus: (Yawns. Stretches) You're right. Caution. Well, Dorian, let's call it a day. Dorian: Smashing idea, it's time to sleep. Klaus: Tomorrow we'll decide our plan of action Dorian: Till then, my love, it will keep. Partners? Klaus: Partners! [they shake] Dorian: We're a bit like Sherlock Holmes and his man Watson We're a perfect team, an exceptional pair Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Robin Hood and Little John Samson and his hair Two halves of a unit Two sides of a coin Like yin and yang, an inseparable set It was destiny the day you and I met We'll make it all right together Who stands a chance when to pros conspire? A brilliant spy The Prince of Thieves We'll set the Thames on fire! We're opposites, like night and day But we make the perfect team Like earth and sky You and I Like fire and water, make steam Klaus: Partners in Justice, verbundete Our differences we'll put aside, for now Our mission won By blade and gun By roses and fine German know-how Dorian: (aside) Klaus: (aside) He'd try to go it alone I swear sometimes that Boche acts barmy He'd say "I can do this on my own" I can do this on my own Right, him and what army? Dorian: (to Klaus) We'll make it all right, tomorrow When we get back the Von Eberbach gems And then we'll hook That nasty crook And set afire that bloody Thames! Klaus: (aside) I don't want him around Dorian: (aside) He won't want me to meddle Him and his methods Klaus: (aside) Sometimes One must just grasp the nettle Dorian: Like Cisco and Pancho Quixote and Sancho Like Kali and Shiva Or Wally and Beaver (music stops) Klaus: Who? Dorian: Americans. Never mind. (resume music) Dorian: Klaus: (aside) Like Batman and Robin I'll come back tomorrow Like Tarzan and Boy When he's gone home Or Simon and Schuster I'll get back my jewels Or Siegfried and Roy I'll do it alone (aside) I'll slip into something I'll slip into something A little more comfortable A little less obvious Maybe something in A little more suited Black crepe de chine For boarding that boat And maybe some pearls in I'll get back my jewels My soft golden curls Then blow up that vessel Maybe I should wear There won't be a stick of it Red velveteen left afloat I'll grace the scene In high heels I'll vamp By sunrise tomorrow As a lonely young tramp I'll be back in Munich And I'll beguile the Ace I'll get back bo business With my beautiful face And put this aside He will not resist I cannot think clear Such a lovely young miss With Eroica here And I'll get back the I can't concentrate Eberbach family jewels With him right here by my side Both: Goodnight, Goodnight See you tomorrow at dawn's early light Dorian: Call me when you get to your room Let me know that you're safe, I care. Klaus: Of course, I will call you immediately Both: (aside) I want to make sure that he's there! [Both exit in opposite directions. Stage darkens. Instrumental as the lights on The Ace of Diamonds go on. A man's silhouette can be seen. Big Ben strikes one far in the distance. Enter Dorian, dressed as a sexy young vixen] Dorian: All alone, all alone This sweet thing wandering On her own All alone, all alone On a night for delight I'm alone So alone. Yes, alone Just a fox on the docks All alone It's a crime, that I'm Undeniably, desirably Alone Wind blows sweet with salt sea mist And the sea is starlight kissed Moon shines full, so white and cold And I'm here on the pier needing someone to hold! [The man comes out of the boat] All alone, all alone Wish I might find a knight All my own With a face full of grace In a pack full of jacks He's my Ace Ace: All alone, all alone Nevermore, mi amore On your own Love has grown. Fate has thrown Us together, we need never be Alone It's a night for making love What were you dreaming of? Come aboard my ship, The Ace And I'll sail you to somewhere where nobody's ever alone, A place Where diamonds dot the skies Where emerald oceans stretch forever Gold-dust beaches rise And in the amber firelight Your sapphire eyes, they shine Both: All alone, all alone In the dark, what a lark Sorrow's flown All alone, flesh and bone How we'll sweat when we get All alone Ace: Dorian: All alone On his ship of fools All alone Klaus' family jewels You and me and the sea All afoam It's a perfect ruse All alone When I finally get them, Who'd have known he'll be in my debt, then You would charm me and disarm me I might cash in on his passion All Alone Alone Both: All alone Ace: All alone [They disappear on board the boat. Klaus appears from the water and climbs up the side of the boat] Scene V — inside The Ace of Diamonds. Dorian: Oh, what a lovely boat you have... ah... Ace: Call me Ace. Dorian: Of course. Ace. So many lovely things... [Starts to snoop in boxes and drawers] Are you a collector? Ace: I love beautiful things. [Takes Dorian's hand] I love to surround myself with fine treasures. [Kisses Dorian's hand] [Klaus peers into the side window] Dorian: Treasures? Like what? Art? Jewels? Ace: You like jewels? Dorian: What woman doesn't? I especially like antique jewels. Ace: Ah! So do I! Then you'll love my latest acquisition. [Turns. Klaus ducks. Ace opens an ornate jeweled box] Ace: I got these from the estate of an old German countess. [Klaus pops up] Dorian: Beautiful! German you say? Ace: Yes. What's wrong? [Turns to put box down. Klaus ducks] Dorian: Oh, nothing. It just... reminds me of someone. Ace: You should be thinking of no one but me. Dorian: I know. You, my Ace. [Ace grabs Dorian and tosses him onto the sofa] Ace: Yes! [Dorian bounces up and jumps aside as Ace leaps at him] Dorian: No! I-I mean, slow! Let's go slow. Ace: Slow? But why? Let us make mad, passionate love! [Klaus starts to open the window] Dorian: I'm just getting over an unrequited love. [Klaus gives a startled gasp, both Ace and Dorian turn to look, but Klaus has ducked down] Ace: Unrequited? Who could refuse your love? Your beauty? Who could say "no" to you? Dorian: He doesn't say "no", he says "nein". Men have come and gone, Good men, and fine But none of them could toe the line They offered, me fine jewels Firelight and wine But still I pine For a man who says "nein" The day I met that surly Kraut I knew what need was all about I gave my heart, this love of mine He said "nein" And from there the ardour grew Brighter hotter like the sun Till it burned and blinded me Ace: Then he is the only one? Dorian: I love him! I love him with ill that is in me He is my song, he is my sunshine He is the night! Nights spent in satin sheets The scent of German cigarettes so fine I'm in love With a man who says "nein" Ace: The fool! Who could resist such sweetness? He must be blind, This man who says "nein" to Both: Such sweetness Dorian: Just to be near him Ace: Dorian: Klaus: How can you love him. I love him He loves me How can you love him? I love him with all that is in me How can he love me? Dorian: It takes all of my strength sometimes To hold on to hope Ace: What hope? Dorian: Somehow, sometime I'll ask "Do you love me?" And he won't say "nein"! Klaus: What is he saying? What can he see in me? Ace: Then love him, but be with me You need not be alone My arms can be his Close your eyes, I won't mind And I won't ever say "nein" [Klaus has opened the window by this point and is reaching in to grab the jewels. Ace is about to kiss Dorian, and Klaus freezes, watching in horror. He looses his balance and falls into the room] Ace: What have we here? A stowaway? A thief? Dorian: (to Klaus) You idiot! (Ace looks at "her" suspiciously. Dorian curls up aqainst Ace) An idiot to try and mess with my big, strong Acey-poo. Right, lover? Ace: Who are you? What an- you doing here? Klaus: I've come to reclaim what is mine! [He tries to stand, but Ace knocks him back down and takes his gun] Ace: What should we do with the thief? You've got your nerve, bursting in here like this I Demanding my treasures as yours. So now you must face Being put in your place I've already got you down on all fours [Klaus, furious, tries to stand, but is tangled in the torn down curtains] Dorian: Ace, don't! Please, Ace I beg you let him go A girl like me hates cruelty And can't bear the siqht of blood Ace: Because a lady is present I'll temper my vengeance swift But don't think you're getting off free Though her tenderness toward you is to you a gift Still, you've gotten me miffed. So, what should we do with the thief? He's got to be punished somehow String him up, hang him high Stick a needle in his eye This criminal, this spy, Must die Tie him up with a cord And I'll throw him overboard Cut his throat, run him through Make him vanish with no clue But these things I will not do Because of you Dorian: He's cold and wet Ace: Better yet, I could break his neck It's quick and clean Dorian: Don't be obscene Death's just a little extreme Let's get him out of that wetsuit And cover him with strawberry creme Then hang him up like a pinata This naughty but beautiful thief Then I'll take a large ostrich feather And tickle him without relief Klaus: I think I like *his* idea better. Just kill me. It would be preferable. Dorian: And then I'll take him down But do it so gentle and kind Then put him across my knees and Paddle his gorgeous be— Klaus: NEIN!!! Dorian: He said "nein"! And from there this passion grows Ace: Do you know him? Dorian: And blossoms like a rose Ace: Is this the one? Dorian: No, this stranger isn't him But the music in my mind Started to play when he said "nein" [There is a knock at the door. Enter two policemen] Klaus: Ach! Gut! Arrest that man! 1st cop: (to Ace) Pardon me, sir. We saw this man climb aboard your ship. Is there a problem? Ace: Why yes, actually. He's come to rob me. 1st cop: Really? How uncivilised of him. Shall we take him away? Ace: Yes, please. Klaus: Wait! I’m with NATO! You can’t arrest me! This man has stolen my family jewels! [everyone turns to Klaus and looks at his crotch] Klaus: No, you fools! My jewels! I can prove it! 2nd cop: You can tell us all about it at the station. Come on. [Exit cops with Klaus.] Ace: Now, where were we? Dorian: I’m sorry, darling. The mood’s been spoiled. I’m going home. Ace: Oh, how devastating. Will I see you again? Dorian: Oh, you can be sure of it. Very soon. [Dorian touches a sculpture greedily. Exit Dorian.] [Stage turns to reveal prison set] Scene VI: The prison station. Klaus sits in a cell while three policemen sit at their desks, working. Klaus: All alone, all alone I bet that fool’s got my jewels Hope has flown Telephoned for a loan To pay bail, ‘cause in jail I’ve been thrown [Enter Dorian dressed up like a big German woman] Dorian: Poor little Klausie! Your mama's right here! She'll set her little boy free (to cops) Shameful, disgraceful, to treat him this way To strip him and search him and lock him away To treat him so badly, and on his birthday Now you shall answer to me! (rushes to Klaus' ceil) Oh my darling little Klaus Mama's prezios little Klaus Don't you worry little Klaus, my dear I've come to get you, little Klaus Have they upset you little Klaus If they had met you little Klaus They'd know that you should not be here. 1st cop: Who are you? Dorian: Frau Eberbach Frau Brunhilde Eberbach 1st cop: (to Klaus) Is this true? Klaus: Ja Dorian: Eberbach's my name 1st cop: Now just look, Frau Eberbach He's a crook, Frau Eberbach Throw the book! 2nd cop: Frau Eberbach, he tried to rob someone Dorian: (to Klaus) For shame! 3rd cop: Just a sec, Frau Eberbach I ran a check on Eberbach Dorian: (to Klaus) I'11 wring your neck 3rd cop: Our Eberbach's a spy! 1st cop: Beg your pardon, Eberbach (unlocks cell) 3rd cop: Major Klaus Von Eberbach Dorian: Come to Mama Eberbach My little Klausie-Wausie Pie! (Hugs Klaus tight) (They are allowed to leave the precinct. Klaus storms out. Dorian follows) Dorian: Are you angry? (removes wig) [Klaus refuses to look at him. Turns away from Dorian and the audience] Dorian: Aw, come on, love. I was only trying to help. (he takes off dress and padded bosoms) All I ever try to do is help. [Klaus begins to shake] Dorian: Klaus? [Klaus begins to laugh. Softly at first, then loud and merry] Klaus: Eroica, you are mad! Dorian: Mad about you, my surly, mysterious dark knight. [Klaus turns away shakily] Dorian: Sorry. Here, will this get me back in your good gracces? [He hands Klaus the Eberbach family jewels] Klaus: Eroica! Dorian: Eroica! [exit Dorian] Klaus: He thinks of me As something of a hero I let him see The side of me that's strong He touches me I show him steel and iron For if he knew me then he'd learn that he was wrong He thinks of me As something of a villain Hot-headed Boche Who takes his passions cool For all that's worth I'm glad he only sees me With eyes so blind with love that he can't see the fool I am Or what I've become I couldn't stand the ridicule I think of him As something of a godsend Without his light My days would still be grey Perhaps someday I'll finally understand him What's his magic that makes everything okay? He thinks of me As cold and strange and distant He can't get close There's nothing here to see I think that he Would be so disenchanted If he just knew that I’m not full of mystery Would he Still love me if he knew I'm not what I seem to be Or can he see The man I really am? Is it him who's foolinq me? End