Dawn of the Third Day

Neither one slept soundly.  At about four a.m., according to his watch, Klaus decided to give up.  Dorian lay across him as he had all night.  Neither had budged.  It was too cold and clammy.  The coat was thick and warm, and Dorian felt nice against him. He'd never slept with anyone except his father when he was a toddler.  On dark and stormy nights, he'd crawl in the huge master bed and Father would tickle him and tell him the storm was nothing more than angels jumping on the clouds.  Klaus used to wonder how come none of them ever fell through.

Maybe they did.  Dorian was here after all, wasn't he? Creatures like him weren't born.  They fell from Heaven.  As odd and infuriating as Eroica (that sounded like an angel's name) was, there was nothing evil or wicked in him.  He was good. Klaus had failed to be good.  Father must never find out.

Eroica sighed.  How sweet the sound.  How beautiful the face and body.  How pure the heart.  Klaus felt the odd twisting sensation in his chest that accompanied any thoughts of Eroica. Even when Eroica was being mischievous, Klaus felt the pang.  It was close to sorrow.  A very sweet sorrow.  Maybe it was because he knew he could never love Eroica.  Certainly never give him what he wanted or needed.

He stroked the soft, billowy hair.  It was cold.  The cheek beneath it was warm though, and he brushed his fingertips across it, to the perfect seashell ear where his hand stayed, intrigued by the smooth swirling shape of it.

"Mmm," Dorian sighed, snuggling closer, as if it were possible to get closer than they already were.  Klaus realized he was probably arousing the Earl in some way and that wasn't right. He stopped.

His angel stretched, then lifted his face as if to look at Klaus in the relentless dark.  "Morning."

"Guten Morgan." Klaus replied, imagining how the face must look, sleepy and disheveled, the imprint of Klaus' shirt pocket pressed into one cheek.

Dorian sat up.  The cold invaded their warm nest of mountain sheep hair.

"Got a problem," said the Earl tonelessly.  A snip and flicker later, Dorian was illuminated by his lighter flame.  "No WC."

"Stick it in the snow," Klaus replied discompassionately.

His igloo mate laughed.  "Fine then, if you don't mind."

"It's a natural function, for God's sake.  Just turn out the light."

The flame went out.  Klaus tried not to listen, but there were no other sounds.  He fussed with the coat to mask the sounds of cloth and zipper.  After a while, Dorian snickered, "It's hard to piss in close quarters.  Especially cold ones."

"Mein Gott," Klaus sighed.  "Just do it and get it over with!"

"Sorry, Major.  I'm doing the best I can."

"Stop talking about it!"

Dorian was silent about a minute longer.  "Maybe if you sang to me--"

"Shut up!  Just do it!"

Dorian burst out laughing.  "I've never been ordered to piss before, Major."

Klaus felt a laugh rise from 'his own belly.  He clenched his teeth and it came out as a snort.

"Ah, there we go.  Or I go," said Eroica.

"Congratulations.  Just don't talk about it."

He heard the zipper, then felt Dorian crawl back onto the mattress.  "Well, Major, I wander what happens when one of us has to crap."

"SHUT UP!!!!!"

"I mean, it'll be awkward as Hell to 'stick it in the snow' as you say, but what would we do for paper?"

"If you do not SHUT UP, I am going to stick YOU in the snow!!! "

"Well, if you do, just don't stick me in the toilet."

Klaus make a few strangled sounds, then smacked Dorian in what felt like the shoulder.  The Earl, too vulgar to ever be mistaken for an angel now, fell silent.

Klaus lit a cigarette.  In the light, he could see Dorian.  The man was rubbing his offended shoulder.

"Oh, that looks delicious," said Dorian. "In lieu of breakfast, could I have one?"

Klaus handed him the one he'd just lit and lit another for himself.  Eroica had pointed out another problem.  No food.  The little refrigerator was just a few feet away but buried under snow and logs.  Hell, it'd probably been knocked across and out of the cabin. Still, he could reach into the snow and see if he could feel it.  First though, he finished his cigarette.

"God, I'm freezing," Dorian complained.  "Let's light a fire. We can extinguish it if the smoke gets too bad."

"Nein, not yet.  It will get much colder than this.  We must hold off as long as possible."

He followed the motion of Eroica's glowing cigarette from mouth to lap and back again.

"Klaus?"

"Hmm?"

"I realize you're in a rather fragile state of mind, and I am trying to remain fairly calm, optimistic, and dare I hope, level-headed.  I know we've been in tighter situations...  Maybe it's that I'm cold and hungry.  Or maybe that I'm so worried about you.  But this time I'm..."

"Scared?"

"Yeah."

"Well, of course you should be.  You need not be strong for my sake.  I am at my best in a crisis."

"Christine said you thrive under pressure."

"She is right.  My mind is clear."  He felt a hand laid gently on his arm.

"I'm here if you need me." Dorian laughed. "As if I could go anywhere." He gave Klaus' arm a squeeze.

Klaus remembered how strong that hand felt last evening as he held it tight, telling his terrible story. How it helped pull him up from the yawning chasm of madness.

"You are strong, my Lord. You will be all right." He ground out his cigarette on the stone fireplace, then crawled across to where the mini-refrigerator should have been. He reached deep into the snow, feeling boards and branches.

"Klaus? What are you doing?" Dorian illuminated the igloo with his lighter.

"Looking for food."

"Oh, God..." Dorian groaned.

"Why? What is it?"

"That's the toilet."

***

"Did you ever see Star Wars?" Dorian snickered.

Klaus' laughter subsided to giggles. The conversation over the past couple of hours had gone from the serious to the ridiculous. They were both punchy and Klaus had discovered a silly side to both of them that he'd never realized before.

"All of them."

"Okay, so tell me this... How did they know Chewbacca's name was Chewbacca?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if they asked him his name, all he could say was 'rurrrarrrruuu!'"

Klaus cackled.

"Really," Dorian laughed. "How could they tell 'raarrrrrr' meant 'Chewbacca'?"

"Well, I imagine it's a lot easier to say than 'ruurrrruuuuuuaaa'!"

"'Ey ruurrrruuuuuuaaa! Get your 'airy arse over 'ere!" Dorian crowed and they both fell into insane laughter.

Dorian threw the hairy coat over Klaus. "Daddy!"

Klaus tossed it back at him. "Mama!    

Dorian giggled. "All right now, Pumpkin. I ain't no Wookie's mama!"

"Pumpkin? Since when do I resemble a pumpkin?"

Dorian replied. "I could cut the top of your head off and stick a candle inside, it's so empty since you lost your mind. Then you could read at night. Just open your mouth. Ahhhh!"

"You'd keep everyone awake at night with the light coming out of your ears!" Klaus observed. "Or lighting up your upper lip."

"Lighthouse head!" Dorian exclaimed.

Klaus made a sound like a foghorn and Dorian fell ever in a fit.

"You're much more fun since you went insane," he cackled.

"It makes your company so much more bearable, Lighthouse Head!" Klaus replied, not at all insulted.

"Yooouuuu light up my liiiiiiiiife!" sang Dorian off-key.

"Stop it! Stop it!" laughed Klaus, smacking him playfully on the back.

"Yoooouuuu give me hooooooope to carry ooooon."

Klaus settled down, wiping his eyes.

"You liight uuuup my daaaaay,"

Klaus joined in the hated song that suddenly had meaning for him.          .

"And fill my niiiiights wiiinith sooooong!

It can't be wroooong"

Klaus alone: "When it feels so right,"

Together: "And yooooooooouuuuu.  You liiiiiiiight uuuuup my-i-i-iiiiiii (giggle) liiiiiiife."

"Yay!" Dorian cheered, clapping.

"Sing something seriously," said Klaus.

"Seriously?  Who wants to be serious?"

"Please?"  Klaus' levity level dropped a notch or two.  "You have a nice voice."

"All right.  What do you want to hear?"

"I do not care.  What do you like to sing?  Do you have any favorite songs?"     

"Well," Dorian said, "there are so many songs that are special to me, but mostly because they reminded me of you.  But I don't think they'd be appropriate anymore.  My promise, you know."

"It's all right.  It's just a song."  Klaus was curious as to what sort of music Dorian heard when he was near.

Dorian's voice started out unsteadily.

             "If I tell truth to you,

             My love, my own,

             Grief is your gift to me

             Grief alone

             Wild passion at midnight

             Wild anger at dawn

             Yet when you're absent

             I grieve you gone."

His voice grew stronger and more sure.

             "Stay well, O keeper of my heart

             Go well, through darkening days

             Your star, the luckiest star above,

             Your ways, the luckiest ways

             Since unto you my one love is given

             And since with you it will remain

             Though you bring fear of Hell

             Despair of Heaven

             Stay well

             Come well to my door again."

The melody was haunting.  Dorian's voice was sweet and soft.  It made Klaus feel both good and bad.  It made his heart twist too.  No matter how horrible he'd been to Eroica, the fool still loved him.

"You really feel that way about me?"

"I do."

Klaus was glad for the darkness.  He felt fire rush to his face   His own father seemed to reject him.  Even God had forsaken him.  But not Dorian.  Dorian was real, was here, and was someone he could believe in.  Strange to think of this silly butterfly as the one true constant in his life.  His strength. His luckiest star.  He ached to hold him, to curl up against him like a child.  But he couldn't, knowing how Dorian wanted him. Maybe if he just explained the problem to Dorian.

"Sing to me," said Dorian.

"I do not know anything appropriate."

"Then sing something inappropriate.  I like the sound of your voice.  Sing anything."

Klaus thought and thought.  All he really knew were military songs, hymns and nursery rhymes.  He wasn't inspired to sing any of those.  "I cannot think of anything."  He wished it were bedtime again.  He longed to hold Dorian in that non-threatening meaningless way.

"I understand.  You're not in the mood to sing.  It's all right."

Klaus scooted closer.  "Where is the coat?" He and Dorian sat together, backs to the stone fireplace, and covered up with the coat.

"When do you think they'll come find us?" asked Dorian.

Klaus shrugged, nudging Dorian with the gesture.  "Soon. Your people know where we are, right?"

"No.  I didn't want them to bother us.  Especially Mr. James. Doesn't your butler know?"

"No.  Same reason.  But that ranger who brought you here, surely he'll send help."

They sat in silence for a moment.  Then Dorian said something that made Klaus quite happy:  "Would it be okay if I put my head on your shoulder?"

Of course, Klaus didn't know how to reply that it would.  "After sleeping practically on top of me all night, I don't see the point in asking."  He put his arm around Dorian's shoulders and was blessed by a warm body and soft, sweet-smelling curls pressed against him.  They stayed like that, silently, for long moments.

***

Dorian tried to remain utterly motionless as tears rolled down his face. Klaus was so close.  He was holding him at last.  Dorian felt as though his heart were being ripped out.  He wanted to hold Klaus in return, to nuzzle into that warm neck, to embrace that strong body.  Klaus' one hand held him securely to his body.  It was too much.  He pulled away and moved into the cold darkness.  Hatred for Father Haffeman made his face burn.

"Dorian?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, then a sob snuck into his voice before his could choke it off.  He held his breath and clutched himself by the arms, kneeling away from Klaus on the cold mattress.

"Sorry for what?"

"I can't -- stand it."  He took a deep breath.  The tears felt like ice water on his cheeks.  He heard Klaus move, then felt the mattress behind him sink.  Klaus touched him lightly on the back.

"No, I am sorry.  Sorry I keep hurting you.  I just wish I could make you stop wanting me."

"I just wish I could make you start loving me," Dorian whispered.

"Dorian."

"I'm sorry.  I know, I promised..."

"Even if I did love you, I could not be your lover."

"Could not or would not?" he asked.

Klaus was silent and Dorian became afraid.  Had he hurt him? Was Klaus going to explode now?

But all Klaus did was to reply, "Could not."

Dorian turned to face him, even though he couldn't see him. Maybe the darkness was a blessing.  Would Klaus be so open under the gaze of Dorian's blue eyes?

"Why not?"

Another long pause.  "I... cannot feel... desire. I never have."

"Never?  Not even alone?  You've never even touched yourself?"

"God.  It doesn't, ah, work."   Dorian could feel Klaus' discomfort.  "I am... you know..."

"Impotent?"

Klaus drew air between clenched teeth, a sound Dorian knew well.  "Completely.  Always have been."

"Did you see a doctor?"

"Yes, several.  They say there is nothing wrong with me, physically."

“It's obviously because of what happened to you."

"I guess."

Dorian's heart broke altogether.  Not just for himself, but for poor Klaus as well.  Never to know desire.  Never to feel pleasure.  No wonder he was so violent!

"Maybe now that you've remembered, it will come back to you. Maybe if you see a psychiatrist..."

"I think not.  My life is much simpler without it.  I cannot imagine being controlled by something so inane as desire."

Dorian took that personally.  "I suppose mine would be simpler as well.  But I'm glad to have it!"

"Well now that you know you're in love with a goddamned eunuch, maybe you can just forget about me and get on with your life!"

"Maybe I don't want to!  Maybe I love you too goddamned much to care!"

They both shut up.  The cabin creaked softly, the only sound in the long silence.

"Why?" Klaus finally whispered.

Dorian released a slow breath.  "I've been with dozens of men.  I've never felt this way about any of them.  Even those I loved.  I've never loved like this before.  I've never been through so much with anyone before."

"If we were lovers, you would not be so interested anymore."

"Klaus, remember how you felt when you had the vision of Saint Pelagia?  Remember that rapturous joy you felt?  That's love.  That's love and that's how I feel with you, when I'm not busy being miserable over it."

"But I never wanted to screw her!"

Dorian felt that remark like a slap.  "Do you think I can only feel with my Johnson?  God, Klaus, you are thick!"

"I apologize, my Lord.  I am sorry.  I just... I cannot believe you -- anyone -- could feel that way.  About me."

Dorian's fire faded.  "I do."

He felt Klaus' hands brush his chest, then wander lightly up to his face to wipe away the chilled tears.  Dorian slid his own hands along Klaus' arms to his shoulders, then also to Klaus' face.  Moisture dampened his fingertips.  Klaus' tears.

"Klaus..."

The Major suddenly fell into Dorian's arms, clutching him tightly.  "Don't say anything," Klaus moaned.

"I love you," Dorian whispered anyway, embracing his beloved for the first time in a true embrace.  One that Klaus wanted as well.

Dorian swayed side to side, rocking Klaus gently in his arms. Again, the intimacy tore at him.  Instead of pulling away, he held tighter, trying to crush the pain between them.

At last, it was Klaus who drew back.  "Look at us," he said with both tears and smiles in his voice.  "Look how far we've come in one night."

Dorian couldn't let go of Klaus' arms.  "One night?"

Klaus drew him in again, this time in a looser embrace. Dorian was sitting to one side, his legs folded beside him so that when Klaus pulled him forward, he was almost lying in Klaus' arms.  He felt warm, blessedly warm breath on his face.  Klaus was being ignorantly cruel, he thought, and tried to sit up. What at first he thought was an accidental bump of faces turned out to be a kiss, full on the lips, from Klaus!

To Hell with his promise.  If Klaus was going to push him, he was going to respond!  He wrapped his free arm around Klaus' neck and pulled him into a more heated union.  His tongue probed and insisted at Klaus' closed lips.  The Major resisted at first, then loosened his jaw and let Dorian invade.  Instant electricity shot down Dorian's spine and struck with a jolt in his groin.  He released the last bit of rein on his desire and dove whole-heartedly into the kiss, grasping at the strong shoulders, raking through the black, flaxen hair, sliding into the lap, groaning into the hot mouth.

Klaus' body went tense and without moving seemed to pull away.  Dorian stopped and waited for Klaus to say or do something.  Anything.  His loins were on fire and his mouth tingled from the force of the kiss.

"Nothing," was all Klaus said.

Dorian's heart, what was left of it, fell into a bottomless void.  He'd given it his all.  And Klaus had felt

"Nothing?"

The Major sighed.  "Sorry.  I told you, I am incapable of desire. "

"Then why did you kiss me?"

Klaus didn't reply at once.  After a pause of a few heart beats, he said, "I was curious.  I wanted to make you feel better.  I apologize.  I wasn't thinking."

"Nothing at all?"

Klaus actually chuckled.  "Well, it was nice, I suppose, to have you close.  To make you feel good for once instead of always hitting you.  It was not bad.  On an emotional level, it was nice."

"Nice."  Dorian suddenly hated that word.

"Better than nice, all right?"

"Great."

"Dorian..."  He sounded a bit impatient.

Dorian was hurting worse now than ever before.  This was worse than any of Klaus' refusals.  It was a failure.  "Well, you gave it a try.  I suppose I ought to be grateful.  Thank you very much. Major.  It was a charitable notion."

"Stop it!"

"I can't help it!  You don't know what it's like--"

"No. I don't!  I cannot!  I wish I could!  I wish I could be what you want--"  He suddenly gasped and fell utterly silent, not even breathing.

Dorian's heart was beating furiously.  "What?" he asked softly.

No reply.

"What did you say, Klaus?"

"Nothing."

"Fuck nothing!  What did you say?!"

"Please, Dorian.  Drop it.  I did not mean it like it sounded.  I just wish I were not sexually crippled.  That's all."

"You said it would be an inconvenience before."

"Would you stop throwing my own words back at me?  I do not know what I meant."

Dorian flicked on his lighter.  He wanted eye contact. Klaus' face glowed in the light.  The beautiful Major looked away.

"Klaus!"

He wouldn't look at Dorian.

"Klaus, do you love me?"

"We're barely even friends yet,"

"Bloody Hell we are!  Klaus, we've shared things -- you've told me more than I know you've ever told another living soul.  I know you better than anyone.  You've let me into your soul, Klaus von Eberbach.  Now I want to know, am I in your heart as well? Do you love me?"

The flame flickered wildly in Dorian's trembling hand. Everything in the world rested on Klaus' next word.  The Major raised his eyes to him.  "I cannot be your lover."

"I don't care about that!  Not now, anyway.  Do you love me? Even a eunuch can love!"

Klaus' eyes flashed like lightning.  Even the cold air seemed to crackle.  Dorian didn't quail under the stare.  He stared defiantly back, only the encrimsoning of his face betraying any nervousness.

Klaus stared into those blazing blue eyes.  Those cruel, demanding eyes.  What did Eroica want?  To strip him completely? To tear away at his soul till it was a bloody, dripping scrap he could then devour?  No.  He couldn't blame Dorian for his state. He'd openly told him everything.  The cards were all on the table.  The time was come to fold or call.  Did he love Dorian? Did he feel that rapture?  That ecstasy?  Sometimes.  Sometimes it was just a comfortable security, like the first morning of waking up in your own bed after a long absence.  Sometimes it was a terrifying fall into a bottomless pool of black water.  But was it all love?

Was it love now?

He must have waited too long.  Dorian snapped off the light.

"Forget it."

Blue ghost flames danced in front of Klaus' eyes.  He felt the mattress bounce as Dorian crawled across it, then heard the  sound of Dorian doing something at the fireplace.

"What are you up to?"

"I'm going to clear the fucking chimney!  It's too fucking goddamned cold in here!"

"Don't be stupid!  You'll get yourself stuck!"

"I'm already stuck."

"Don't be an ass!  Klaus flicked on his lighter and watched as Dorian shoved the logs out of the fireplace and hurled them away.  "Dorian!  That's enough!"

But the Earl would have his tantrum.  He crawled into the fireplace and stood.

"Dorian!  Stop it!"  Klaus reached over to grab a booted ankle but the agile thief jumped and seemed to disappear up the chimney.

The idiot was Hell bent on getting himself killed.  Klaus peered up into the dark chimney.  He saw two boots braced far up on either side but the rest of the Earl was cloaked in darkness, A little snow fell, splattering Klaus on the face.  He sat back as another plop of snow hit the ground.  Nothing to do but wait.

Dorian's voice echoed down the chimney, "I think I see -- I think-- "

Klaus sat forward.  "Light?"

Suddenly a great puff of snow hit the hearth and sprayed out all over Klaus.

"Dorian!"  Klaus peered up the chimney.  All was dark.  He crawled inside and stood, holding the lighter over his head. About four feet above him he saw the toes of Dorian's boots sticking out of the packed snow.

"Dorian?"  Maybe the Earl had reached the top and could breathe.  No.  That was too slim a chance.  He dropped the lighter and started up the chimney, now plunged entirely into blackness.  If any more snow fell, they'd both be trapped.  He worked one hand into the snow and grabbed an ankle.  Then he let go of the wall and grabbed the other one.  A few tugs indicated that the Earl was quite stuck, but still alive as he felt him trying to move.  Klaus had one option for a quick rescue.  He unbraced his feet from the sides of the chimney and hoped gravity would do the pulling for them.  He felt himself drop and held tight to Dorian's ankles.  The snow seemed to be giving, but then held fast again.  Klaus tried it again.  This time they both came crashing down.  Klaus landed with a bone-cracking jar on his feet in the fireplace with Dorian and about ten pounds of snow right on top of him.  In agony, he crawled backwards out of the fireplace and pulled Dorian out rather carelessly.

"Idiot!" he yelled, feeling about for a pulse.  His hands were numb with cold and could feel nothing.  He put his ear to Dorian's chest.  Ah, a heartbeat.  And breathing!  Klaus sat back, shaking.  Dorian slowly began to stir.

"Klaus?" he murmured.

The Major reached over in the darkness and touched him on the chest.

"Klaus..."

Klaus trailed his hand up till he found the face and gave it a hard slap.  "You stupid, fucking moron!  You almost got yourself killed!  Stupid, thoughtless queer!  You need to grow up!"

Dorian rolled away and groaned and began to cry.  Klaus felt like a true heel.  Poor Dorian.  How could he tell someone else to straighten up?  After all, this was all his fault.  And Dorian had just had a near-death experience.  Two, in fact.

"I am sorry, Dorian.  I didn't mean to hit you.  I was just upset."

"That isn't what hurts.  I barely felt that."  He gave a pathetic sob.  "It's your disgust of me that hurts."

"Disgust? (tsk!)  Dorian, you know you don't disgust me anymore."

"I don't?"  He sounded surprised.  Klaus suddenly discovered his own surprise.  When had he stopped finding Dorian's sexual bent disgusting?  In the past it had seemed like a gross, unnatural breach of taste and good sense.  But now... it was so... so Dorian.

"No.  I don't."

"Even after what that priest did to you?"

"That has nothing to do with you.  The man was a pervert."

"And I am not?"

"You-- You're different.  I can see that now.  I used to equate all of you as the same, but I can see now, you are a  decent sort."

"What do you feel for me, then?"

What indeed?  "I cannot feel anything."

There was another low groan, then Dorian began to cry again.

"For God's sake, stop that!"

"I can't!"

"What?  What are you crying about now?"  Klaus was really losing his patience, which was in short supply anyway.

"I wish you'd just go back to hating me!  At least I wasn't confused then!  At least you could feel that!  Hate!"

"You keep up this ridiculous behaviour and I will!"

"Then hate me!  Give me that, at least!"

"Shut up!"

"Give me passion!  Just feel something!"

"Stop it!"

"No! "

"Shut up!"

Dorian gave a cry of rage.

Startled, Klaus took a swing in the darkness.  He made contact with flesh and hair.  It frightened him for an instant, and he hit him again.  As always, Dorian did not fight back.  He lay there and cried, feeding Klaus' anger.

"Shut up!  Shut up!" Klaus demanded, beating Dorian with his fists.  The devil laughed and gibbered inside Dorian's sobs.  He had to beat it out.  He had no riding crop, but his open hand would work just as well.  He tore at the wet cashmere sweater, raising it up to the Earl's shoulder blades. Then he slapped the smooth back hard with a satisfying 'smack!' Again and again he slapped him, sometimes digging in with his nails. It was good to draw blood. Father Haffemann said. The evil could leak out that way.

The gibbering subsided until the only sound was the 'smack! smack!' of Klaus' blows. Slowly, sense returned to him.

"Oh, my God," he groaned, recoiling. "Oh, my God! Dorian?"

There was a shuddering breath. Good. He hadn't killed him, at least. He reached for his lighter to see what damage he'd done, then remembered it was in the fireplace. He started forward to retrieve it. Dorian gasped and scrambled away from him. A stabbing pain shot through his heart. He'd hit Dorian plenty of times, but he'd never actually beaten him before. Not like this. He found his lighter buried under the snow.

Dorian sat hunched and shivering against the snow, his face pale, eyes wide and frightened, like a child. A beaten child.

"Oh, God," Klaus whispered.  "Look what I've become. Just like Father Haffemann."

Dorian blinked. "It's my fault. I was trying to set you off. Guess I did too good of a job at that."

"No! Don't ever blame yourself for my madness! For all my madnesses. I have never been all right, Dorian. You should have seen it from the start. We never stood a chance."

The Earl cocked his head and sniffed. "That makes me think you wish we had."

Klaus shook his head slowly.  "I cannot decide if you're the best thing to ever happen to me or the worst. Certainly the most significant."

"You too."

"And right now I wish I had my gun so I could shoot myself for what I just did to you."

"Forget it."

"Shit.  I can't."

Dorian crept forward, coming over to kneel in front of Klaus, trustingly. "Then forgive yourself."

"I can't do that either,"

"Then tell me you don't hate me."

"I don't hate you. I cannot. I do not even want to."

"Then why did you beat me?"

"I was poss--" He stopped in the middle of that horrible sentence. Just like Father Haffemann, all right. Claiming to be possessed to excuse his unforgivable acts. And yet, he had felt  possessed. Like some monster child inside of him was fighting to control him. Wanting to hit and hurt. Wanting to kill the devil.

"It's all right now," said Dorian, teeth chattering. "You're going to be fine."

Klaus didn't believe that, but couldn't bear to discuss it anymore. "You're freezing. Here. Put your coat on." He gently laid the coat over Dorian's shoulders.

"Is the chimney clear or did I almost die for nothing?"

Klaus peered up the chimney. He could see pale morning sky. "You did it."

"Great. Then maybe someone will see the smoke. Let's light a fire."

While Klaus moved the logs back into the hearth, Dorian knelt close by, wrapped in his coat.  How far had they come?  It seemed almost like they'd come full circle, and now were back to being the wanter and the wanted and neither side able to relent. Or win.

The wood was slow to catch fire, but eventually began to burn.

"Come on," said Klaus and put his arm around Dorian to usher him closer to the fire.  The Earl hissed and flinched at the touch.  His sore back.

"Let me see," said Klaus, removing the coat.

"It's all right," said Dorian, leaning away from him.

"Let me see!"

Dorian looked at him blandly a moment, then shrugged and lifted his chilly, damp shirt.  There were no bruises, but plenty of scratches and gouges where Klaus had clawed him.

"I've had worse," remarked Dorian, "and those were from lovers, so don't fret over it."

"They could get infected."

"Do you have some alcohol?"

"No. "

"Well then, don't worry about it."

Klaus shuddered at the thought of Dorian wearing the wet cashmere.  "Here, take this off.  You'll catch pneumonia."

Dorian complied silently, creeping closer to the fire.  Klaus laid the sweater across the front of the hearth to dry.  Then he wrapped Dorian back up in the coat.  He wanted to hold him too, for added warmth, but again, every touch seemed too important, too significant.  What did he want to say to Dorian?  What sort of touch would be appropriate?  In the end, there was no touch. He lit a cigarette and stared at the flames.

"I don't feel well," Dorian said.

"Lie down then.  Go back to sleep."

The Earl sighed and curled up on the edge of the mattress like a big furry cat.  His head pressed against Klaus' hip as Klaus was sitting with his feet almost in the fire itself.

"Sorry," Dorian said and scooted down, away from the warm orange glow.

"Stay close," said Klaus in a gentle tone.  "Stay warm." Stay well, he thought.

Dorian wriggled closer again and laid his head of cold, wet curls in Klaus' lap.  The Major himself was wet and cold, but was not nearly as bad off as the near-smothered Earl.

"Is this okay?" Dorian asked softly.

In reply, Klaus smoothed back the damp curls and finger-combed the strands at Eroica's temple.

"Bet you wish you hadn't come," mused Klaus.

"If I hadn't, you'd be dead," replied Dorian with no hint of smugness or self-congratulations.

"But then you could mourn me and remember me as the man you loved instead of this lunatic.  You could still have your dream."

Dorian sat up and looked at him.  The coat slid back from the bare, vulnerable body.  "I would have had nothing, Klaus.  I had nothing before.  Now I have... understanding.  I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad for everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

Klaus didn't have to look at his watch to know the sun had risen and was shining brilliantly.  He felt it.  He saw it in blue eyes.

"I wish I could say the same," he sighed.  "But I'm not at all glad of the way I have been behaving.  Certainly not glad that I remembered what Father Haffemann did."

"But maybe now you can begin to understand yourself better. Maybe I. can understand you better.  Maybe now that the tower is fallen, you can see more than just a small windowspace."

"Maybe."

Dorian lay back down, snuggling under the coat.  Klaus stroked his ringlets and waves again.  It was growing warm at last inside.

"Look how far we've come in just one night," whispered Dorian.

"Yes."

Next
Home