50 Ways for Krychek to Recover

by Grey Bard and TL Shafer (with apologies to Paul Simon)

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle
with TV
There must be fifty ways for Krychek to recover.

She said it's really not my habit
To intrude
But I know you think Chris Carter
Really ought to be sued
Yet despite the fact the series
Ain't gonna be renewed
There must be fifty ways for Krychek to recover
Fifty ways for Krychek to recover

The last one was a clone, Joan
Science stopped the blood flow , Joe,
Since he's from Planet X, Lex
It really don't hurt
They used alien goo, Lou
He was an experiment, Trent
He was cured by a mutant psychic, Nick
In his cool ethnic yurt

The gun was firing blanks, Hank
Have you seen "The Sting", Ling
Mulder was goofy on drugs, Doug
He don't know what he saw
A next generation paintball, Paul
Virtual reality, Cree
He has a forehead of steel, Neil
He's a Stainless Steel Rat

She said it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both
Read some fic tonight
And I believe that in the morning
You'll begin to see the light
I looked through a zine
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways for Krychek to recover

There was a shaman on hand, Rand
Scully prayed to St. Jude, Dude
Nature spirits helped out, Scout
Put his fate back on track
He's a long time vampire, Squire
He just wasn't dead, Red
They shipped him off to Las Vegas, Regas
And Elvis brought him back

They had a vaccine, Jean
They used a mini-robot, Scott
It was faked by Cigarette Man, Stan
It was part of an arc
The oil helped him come back, Jack
He got a new head, Fred
He stole an invisible helmet, Jett
From an industrial park

He was a hologram of hard light, Kite
He just couldn't die, Sly
Skinner caught a time portal to the past, Nast
The guilt was worse than it seemed
He's just an android, Floyd
An alternate universe twin, Quinn
We see him in the bath, Kath
It was all just dreamed

 

 

Grey Bard