Daughter O' The Sith: A Romantic Comedy

by Grey Bard
Email: fitzrose-at-email.msn.com

Author's notes here.

This is a chat fic, and almost entirely Kadorienne's fault. Blame her.

No, I don't own them. Back, Lucas, back, I say! Don't you know fair use when you see it, old man?


Leia is not in typical territory, so she needs a guide to that bit of non-Empire space. She has her mission, and it needs to be done.

For the last few years she's been doing this on her own, doing this as Imperial Security Lt. Skywalker, as opposed to remaining an extension of her father.

Leia likes to think that, unlike her father, she is a hands-on sort. She's hardly a public symbol to inspire the troops, and that's the way she prefers it. Besides, she's useful here.

When she entered this sector, Imperial Security gave her some files on people who might fit the bill. Useful people that they have a hold over so that they have to help her.

After checking through them, she settled on one Han Solo, deserter from the Imperial Forces.

Fairly harmless, nonaligned, willing to do most nonviolent stuff for a buck - provided that slaves aren't at issue.

Knows his stuff, likes women, but isn't too pushy.

And he knew that with one call from her, he'd be arrested, or at least unable to get back to his haunts in the crannies of Imperial Space ever again under his current identity.

So, Solo, you're back in the service of the Empire.

Only, after some token protests, Solo wasn't too disturbed by all this. He almost seemed slyly smug. Wonder why?

He seems to be doing his job well enough, maybe millitary life just wasn't for him. He's settling in so well, she'll probably recommend him as a regular civilian intelligence contractor. Why not, he could use the business.

Why, he's practically a loyal citizen, even if he is a little impertinent.

Leia doesn't have the faintest idea that he's starting a seduction and, you know, finding information and escaping danger in various calculatedly scenic ways.

And surely it can't hurt anything to have a little fun while you're doing what you're supposed to do?

And then …


You'll see.


Why yes, all our sources play both ends against the middle

What else would they do?

Who can blame them? It's all part of the game. Only business, after all.

Well, yeah, they're a little seditious. What's a little sedition between friends? Hasn't all the information been solid?

Oh, the Empire means well, sure it does. But it is a big Empire, and Coruscant is a long way away. They can't know everything about the way life is out here. How could they? So, you know, there are gaps. Or, well, some rules that are just plain foolish out here

Not that they aren't basically good laws, no no. But they surely weren't meant for this situation.

Here, have an exotic knick knack.

Injustices? No, no, perish the thought. Never said that. But, well, sometimes policy decisions are a little stupid once they get through the system. I mean ten levels of bureaucracy between any bit of news and Coruscant, and another ten between any order and the method of its execution....

Things happen.

Sometimes, you know, it's almost a duty to nudge things back from what would obviously be a huge embarassment. You think the guys at the top actually want this kind of stuff to happen? A person stopping something like that would be doing them a positive favor.

You know what kind of PR disaster something like this would be if it got out to the paparazzi?

Yeah, think about it. Not pretty

So that's how things are done around here, you know? You hear something crazy is going to go down. You tell a guy who knows a guy. And he tells the people who can move the people out of the way.

Work for Rebellion? Wellllll.... technically.

They aren't that good at rebelling, though.

People like running water.

But they have stuff already in place. They're all over the place, like fleas. A popular hobby.

Anyhow, something like this happens, they're just the guys you need. They make the stupid speeches, attract any spare fire.

And get the locals out of the way of that...

No, I didn't say genocide.

Why would I say that?

No. Policy accident. Overreaction. Costly mistake.

Anyhow, like I was saying…

You let it be known that a thing is going to happen, they make it not happen, and everybody breathes easy and gets on with life. Simple, no sweat. Happens all the time.

You wouldn't believe how often this sort of thing goes on

Nah, it doesn't mean anything

Sure, I'm sure they mean well. But a guy's got to look out for his own, you know? It doesn't mean anything, doing that kind of stuff it doesn't.

Of course not. Just common sense!

So, I know this bar and...


Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch your mouth there, lady.

That's a serious word to be throwing around!

Well, sure, I did desert and all, but look, joining up wasn't such a hot idea either.

For me!



No offense.

No, I'm sure you love it back on Coruscant.

Sounds wonderful.

Ever eaten one of these before?


Then you should.

No, really, you should.

What, is it the Rebel Tree?

Come on. What's it going to hurt?

See, I was right. Now, don't you feel stupid?

Nah, I don't really think you're stupid. Come on, how dumb do I look? You're obviously a smart girl. You're taking to this place well. Why, a few more months and I could almost mistake you for a…

What do you mean what does that mean? It was a compliment! Means you're smart and adaptable. Pick stuff up fast. Why, I bet I'd be miserable or dead living on your planet by now.


Well, yes, there is that. But, I mean. Even if there wasn't a deserter's warrent on me. I mean, look how well I did the first time.

A pardon? Aw, that's sweet of you. But I like my life just fine. Not all officers are as much of a pleasure to work with as you. And I'd have to work a long time to get a...

Well, yeah. I'm sure the Jedi Ruins are very fascinating if you like what's left of historical quacks.

Glad my taxes aren't...

Well, yeah. But if I paid taxes.

Oh, no offense! I'm sure, uh, Force users can be very sincere!But, well.

Who wants to pay them unless they're useful like Old Ironpants.

No, it's an affectionate nickname.

Really it is.

No, I mean it.

We used it in the Service all the time, and who could have more reason to love him, right?

Here, let me introduce you to some of the old gang. They're having us over for dinner.

Awwww. Yes, they do have cute kids, don't they?

Well, sure, they know how to party. They're good people!

You know, when I'm old, like, I don't know, fifty. I wouldn't mind a place like this. Sit back, shoot the breeze, hear all the gossip on the current Kessel Run flyers when they come in to buy stuff.

Chea.... I mean bargain, the best rates out of em for whatever they need.

Friends - a family of my own, maybe...

Yeah, it does sound nice, doesn't it?

Nice view of the moons, isn't it?

Hey, where'd you go?

No, I was not making a heavy play for you. If I was making a heavy play, you'd know.

What do you mean you knew?

You don't know, because I didn't. If I were making a heavy play I'd…




Your hands are cold!

No, no, I don't mind. Just...


I told you you'd be able to tell.


Hey, you're up early. Heard back from your boss?


What are you crying for?

Come on, honey.

No, tell me.

No, I won't leave the planet right now and never look back.

Sweety, no.

No, you've just got to tell me.

You've just got to…

Aww, it'll be all right. It isn't the end of the...

It is?

No, no, don't cry.


No, now what did I tell you? This kind of thing happens all the time.

No, not like Alderaan.

No, don't cry. No, look at me. It'll be okay.

It''ll be just fine. Just fine. I've told you. That's the way life is out here.

Now, you sit back down, and drink your tea and try to catch your breath, all right?

Yes. Yes, I have some people to see.

It'll be fine. You'll see.


Well, Alderaan didn't have me, did it?


I'm back. Are you sure you're all right?


No, no, calm down, I do take you seriously. I take you very seriously. I just don't know what a Death Star is.

.... Oh.

And, you... have plans? No, the plans?

Ah. Well, I'm sure we can find a telepath.

No, they're good at memory retrieval.

Where did …?

No, of course I won't ask. Obviously you weren't always on fieldwork.

What's so funny?

If only I knew? Well, I don't. But that's okay. Really, it is.

Hey. I'm not a Jedi. Why are you laughing?

No, no. Shhh. Yes, I know. I know.

No, you'll see.

Well, no, a planet doesn't blow up every day. It is a bit much.

So, about that telepath?



So Robesjon owns the workshops that repair it?

Good. Good.

A ten percent cut if we can guarentee that they won't be coming back? Well, I think we can handle that.

Yes, it is safer to cheat dead men.

So the doors to launch bays six, four hundred twelve, and six ninety will mysteriously malfunction?

That'll be great.

No, don't worry.

They won't get a chance to notice that several million credits worth of parts are actually boxes full of sand.

Hey, if they do, you know where to send them!

Well, that's very flattering. Yes I could be on another planet. But why would I?

Of course this will work. We're all professionals here.

A pleasure doing business with you.


Roast Womp-rat Delivery! We dropped something?

No, no problem at all.

Thanks for the tip, sir!



See, wasn't that easy?

It'll be something to tell our kid about.

What do you mean, what kid, I saw you at that dinner.

Well, I don't know. Why don't we name him after your dad.

Dear? Dear?




Grey Bard