Summary: Wherein the Damn Intern makes Libelous Attempts at chronicling a week in the life of her boss.
Letter from the author
As it is with deepest secrecy that I shroud my true identity and the time I spend walking amongst the fen of the world, I dare not tell at what dread house I spent my time of comic editing internment.
One might, indeed, doubt the reality of my outrageous claims. In order that I might draw a veil betwixt the more sensitive parts of my professional colleagues and the virgin eyes of you, the gentle reader, I have in all truth, indulged in some small fictionalisation.
Nevertheless, let me assure you, that at the very heart of this tale It Is All True, down to the most sensational detail. Perhaps especially the sensational details. While my own position in these proceeding was far too lowly to merit , I feel that I have observed enough to put forth a reasonable approximation
Step into the inner sanctum that has never been penetrated by the presence of the unbeliever! Come, and see that most fascinating of mysteries, the Life of The Comic Book Editor.
"Spurious Speculation On the V. Secret Diary of an Assistant Comic Book Editor"
Day 1: Proof read scripts from over weekend
Lost last five pages due to stupid fax
Called up writer
Writer denied all knowledge of script
Reminded him that it was *his* script, so he'd better fork it over or no voucher for him
Script arrived promptly thereafter
Have *seen* script. Not surprised he wouldn't resend it
Has more dialogue than could possibly fit on a page in one bubble
Must ask him where he bought the verbal exlax
On lighter note, the pencilled art arrived
V. pretty. Am pleased
Will send to writer.
He'll love it!
Must tell intern to do bothersome research
Thus will have time to find vegan lunch in office district
Day 2: Writer is insane
Keeps saying that "The hair is all wrong"
Told him that he couldn't draw hair if he had 100 years and an art degree
Also promised him free action figure
Boss unbalanced today.
Wants to know if we can do a comic on David Bowie, but not David so not sued, but close
How to tell her that the last three aging rockstar books tanked?
In boss office, was stared at by 20 Bowie posters
Intern broke copier. at least it wasn't the good one
Wait, it was the good one.
Boss also thinks hair in art is bad
Like she can talk
Has stolen own hair from "Goth Barbie"
Still, must talk to artist
Have wasted action figure for nothing
Artist convinced am insane
Reluctantly agreed to change hair when self called it "artistic challenge"
Now planning to give character Mary Pickford curls
Damn writers! Damn them all!
Sadly, boss thinks Pickford curls are cute.
Cannot drink over lunch, so will buy odd t-shirts online instead
Must restore internal street cred
Intern absolutely *no* *use*
Asked why character had "sausages on her head"
Made intern copy 22 pages of art board Just Because
Spell check broken
Is now convinced it lives in England
Incapable of explaining to writer why this is bad
Writer has apparently learned nothing from 10 year exile in US
I spit on his transatlantic "Euro Cool"
I can put extra "U"'s and "S"'s in everything too, you know
But I don't
Inker claiming he cannot work. Has artist's block
Must cry on shoulder
Valiantly restrained self from asking Inker how tracer, texture adder and black space filler in can have artistic block
Has he run out of new kinds of wood grain to portray?
Have resolved do not want to know
Can go no good direction
Was not using intern.
Intern now fetching and carrying for Moron #1 next door
Is chattering about the joys of research
Feel curiously territorial
Make her file old accounting records before running off to Moron #1.
That should keep her here for another few days
Intern babbling about the joys of filing
Damn her library training!
Boyfriend jealous of artist.
Can't think why
Does he want me to scream at *him* on the phone all day?
Cover art arrived in mail.
Called Cover Artist
Cover Artist v. proud
Had difficulty explaining why color scheme of solid brown black and navy bad for print reproduction
Now know why most cover artists *not* recruited from tattoo art magazines
Cover art makes Boss nostalgic for Goth days
Insists upon double size color reproduction for wall
Will send intern if can find her
Retrieved intern from clutches of Moron #1's photocopying
Freed her to do my photocopying instead
Color copying v. much more thrilling anyway
Wish canolis were vegan
Cheese and chocolate and no!
Am trendy editor with edgey credentials.
Must cultivate eccentricity
Have to keep Writer in awe somehow
Boss out on business
Also, other responsible adult types. excepting self, of course
Next door, Moron#1 and Moron #2 watching Godzilla
Claim to work better that way
Do not dare to speculate
Feel v. virtuous in comparison
Only checked personal email 3 times in past hour
Writer and Artist also on business trip.
Love comic conventions!
Esp. ones do not have to go to myself
Got call from Writer
Says Artist insane
6'4" Writer whining over damage done by 5'9" Artist
Claims was out drinking and chatting w/ Artist, when Artist gave cigarette burn as "Sign of Undying Creative Bond"
Apparently would prefer previous scar-free skin to sign of Undying Bond
Asked Writer why didn't deck Artist
Writer claims that he does not fight crazy men
As does not want to wake up w/ Artist palette knife at throat
Talked to Artist
Artist claims whole thing was Great Moment of Truth, and Writer unprepared for such
If Artist worked for Marvel, would have his crazy rear in jail already
Sadly, works for self, not competition
Does good art for low rates
Also, draws Bowie well
Intern fetching and carrying for Moron #1
In name of research is bonding w/ Archive Troll in basement
On closer inspection, certain similarity btwn Intern and Troll
Probably crazed glee at the word "filing"
Do not comprehend
Do not want to comprehend
Guy What Does Lettering came up to flirt and complain.
Also, to try to sell godawful superhero comic again
For 700th time promised to "consider" Strong Man of Power
Would throw out, but Guy What Does Lettering would only bring new copy
Guy What Does Lettering complains that there is enough text for entire page in balloon
Told him to take it up with Boss
Do not have time for petty quality control that I failed at first time
Got irate call from Cutesy Poo Artist, wife of Writer
Cutesy Poo was drunk
Encouraged her on quest to take husband's violated beauty out on Artist's hide
On second thought, not sure wise idea
Artist may misinterpret overture
Was Trojan War started thus?
Mother called and asked flavor cheesecake for dinner
Reminded Mother am Edgy Editor w/ Eccentricties now, and thus Token Office Vegan
Mother asked if that meant I could only have the Strawberry kind
Does the woman know *nothing*?
Strawberry kind v. good, though
Does bite off Boyfriend's plate count?
Boyfriend not Edgy enough to be any judge
Intern broke copier again
This time the bulk one
Would give Intern bulk copying to do as Yoda-like lesson, but sadly, Boss took all suitable paper w/ to Convention
Must demonstrate Wise Mentoring Skills somehow
So far have settled for showing Intern secret locale of Candy Machine
Weekend! Have escaped, provisonally. Must remember to ask Boyfriend to change us to an unlisted number...