Summary: Wherein the Damn Intern makes Libelous Attempts at chronicling a week in the life of her boss.

Letter from the author

As it is with deepest secrecy that I shroud my true identity and the time I spend walking amongst the fen of the world, I dare not tell at what dread house I spent my time of comic editing internment.

One might, indeed, doubt the reality of my outrageous claims. In order that I might draw a veil betwixt the more sensitive parts of my professional colleagues and the virgin eyes of you, the gentle reader, I have in all truth, indulged in some small fictionalisation.

Nevertheless, let me assure you, that at the very heart of this tale It Is All True, down to the most sensational detail. Perhaps especially the sensational details. While my own position in these proceeding was far too lowly to merit , I feel that I have observed enough to put forth a reasonable approximation

Step into the inner sanctum that has never been penetrated by the presence of the unbeliever! Come, and see that most fascinating of mysteries, the Life of The Comic Book Editor.

"Spurious Speculation On the V. Secret Diary of an Assistant Comic Book Editor"

Day 1: Proof read scripts from over weekend

Lost last five pages due to stupid fax

Called up writer

Writer denied all knowledge of script

Reminded him that it was *his* script, so he'd better fork it over or no voucher for him

Script arrived promptly thereafter

Have *seen* script. Not surprised he wouldn't resend it

Has more dialogue than could possibly fit on a page in one bubble

Must ask him where he bought the verbal exlax

On lighter note, the pencilled art arrived

V. pretty. Am pleased

Will send to writer.

He'll love it!

Must tell intern to do bothersome research

Thus will have time to find vegan lunch in office district

Day 2: Writer is insane

Keeps saying that "The hair is all wrong"

Told him that he couldn't draw hair if he had 100 years and an art degree

Also promised him free action figure

Writer appeased

Boss unbalanced today.

Wants to know if we can do a comic on David Bowie, but not David so not sued, but close

How to tell her that the last three aging rockstar books tanked?

Not sure

In boss office, was stared at by 20 Bowie posters

Scary.

Intern broke copier. at least it wasn't the good one

Wait, it was the good one.

Damn

Boss also thinks hair in art is bad

Like she can talk

Has stolen own hair from "Goth Barbie"

Still, must talk to artist

Have wasted action figure for nothing

Stupid boss.

Day 3

Artist convinced am insane

Reluctantly agreed to change hair when self called it "artistic challenge"

Now planning to give character Mary Pickford curls

Feel sick

Damn writers! Damn them all!

Sadly, boss thinks Pickford curls are cute.

Am trapped

Cannot drink over lunch, so will buy odd t-shirts online instead

Must restore internal street cred

Intern absolutely *no* *use*

Asked why character had "sausages on her head"

Made intern copy 22 pages of art board Just Because

Feel better

Spell check broken

Is now convinced it lives in England

Incapable of explaining to writer why this is bad

Writer has apparently learned nothing from 10 year exile in US

Ha.

I spit on his transatlantic "Euro Cool"

I can put extra "U"'s and "S"'s in everything too, you know

But I don't

Day 4

Inker claiming he cannot work. Has artist's block

Must cry on shoulder

Valiantly restrained self from asking Inker how tracer, texture adder and black space filler in can have artistic block

Has he run out of new kinds of wood grain to portray?

Have resolved do not want to know

Can go no good direction

Was not using intern.

Intern now fetching and carrying for Moron #1 next door

Is chattering about the joys of research

Feel curiously territorial

Make her file old accounting records before running off to Moron #1.

That should keep her here for another few days

Intern babbling about the joys of filing

Is done

Damn her library training!

Boyfriend jealous of artist.

Can't think why

Does he want me to scream at *him* on the phone all day?

Honestly.

Cover art arrived in mail.

Called Cover Artist

Cover Artist v. proud

Had difficulty explaining why color scheme of solid brown black and navy bad for print reproduction

Now know why most cover artists *not* recruited from tattoo art magazines

Cover art makes Boss nostalgic for Goth days

Insists upon double size color reproduction for wall

Will send intern if can find her

Retrieved intern from clutches of Moron #1's photocopying

Freed her to do my photocopying instead

Color copying v. much more thrilling anyway

Wish canolis were vegan

Damn intern

Cheese and chocolate and no!

Am trendy editor with edgey credentials.

Must cultivate eccentricity

Have to keep Writer in awe somehow

Day 5

Boss out on business

Also, other responsible adult types. excepting self, of course

Next door, Moron#1 and Moron #2 watching Godzilla

Claim to work better that way

Do not dare to speculate

Feel v. virtuous in comparison

Only checked personal email 3 times in past hour

Writer and Artist also on business trip.

Love comic conventions!

Esp. ones do not have to go to myself

Got call from Writer

Says Artist insane

6'4" Writer whining over damage done by 5'9" Artist

Claims was out drinking and chatting w/ Artist, when Artist gave cigarette burn as "Sign of Undying Creative Bond"

Apparently would prefer previous scar-free skin to sign of Undying Bond

Men!

Asked Writer why didn't deck Artist

Writer claims that he does not fight crazy men

As does not want to wake up w/ Artist palette knife at throat

Has point

Talked to Artist

Artist claims whole thing was Great Moment of Truth, and Writer unprepared for such

If Artist worked for Marvel, would have his crazy rear in jail already

Sadly, works for self, not competition

Does good art for low rates

Also, draws Bowie well

Cannot fire

Stupid Boss

Intern fetching and carrying for Moron #1

In name of research is bonding w/ Archive Troll in basement

On closer inspection, certain similarity btwn Intern and Troll

Probably crazed glee at the word "filing"

Do not comprehend

Do not want to comprehend

Guy What Does Lettering came up to flirt and complain.

Also, to try to sell godawful superhero comic again

For 700th time promised to "consider" Strong Man of Power

Would throw out, but Guy What Does Lettering would only bring new copy

Guy What Does Lettering complains that there is enough text for entire page in balloon

Told him to take it up with Boss

Do not have time for petty quality control that I failed at first time

Got irate call from Cutesy Poo Artist, wife of Writer

Cutesy Poo was drunk

Encouraged her on quest to take husband's violated beauty out on Artist's hide

On second thought, not sure wise idea

Artist may misinterpret overture

Query

Was Trojan War started thus?

Mother called and asked flavor cheesecake for dinner

Reminded Mother am Edgy Editor w/ Eccentricties now, and thus Token Office Vegan

Mother asked if that meant I could only have the Strawberry kind

Does the woman know *nothing*?

Strawberry kind v. good, though

Does bite off Boyfriend's plate count?

Hope not

Boyfriend not Edgy enough to be any judge

Intern broke copier again

This time the bulk one

Would give Intern bulk copying to do as Yoda-like lesson, but sadly, Boss took all suitable paper w/ to Convention

Must demonstrate Wise Mentoring Skills somehow

So far have settled for showing Intern secret locale of Candy Machine

Weekend! Have escaped, provisonally. Must remember to ask Boyfriend to change us to an unlisted number...