Honor Blinds Me

Back at MediaWestCon 3, someone passed out a parody flyer listing imaginary stories by a number of active fan writers for an imaginary future zine:

"Now, at last, the STAR WARS zine you've always said you wanted. Just add water to this flyer and it will turn into 1,000 pages of infinitely reduced, erratically-typed pages guaranteed to drive you blind. When you have JEDIDARKSTARFALCONKNIGHT you'll never need to read another STAR WARS fanzine. And some of you won't be able to."

The authors listed on the flyer were so taken with the idea that, under the prodding of Maggie Nowakowska of Thousandworlds universe (therein known as Lotsaworlds) fame, each author actually wrote a piece following the description on the flyer, parodying her own typical stories. My blurb read:

"Raan is given a chance at every clone's dream — humanity. But to achieve it, he must apprentice himself to a cobbler on Geppettoine. Can Raan grovel effectively at Darth Vader's feet from twelve parsecs away?"

 

Honor Blinds Me

by Karen Winter

"But, my Lord," Raan said, "what will you ever do without me? I mean, what will I ever do without you? I mean —"

Anguish, rather like the severe attack of indigestion he had once suffered after sampling a substandard batch of Purina Clone Chow dumped on the Service by a dishonest government contractor and secret rebel agent, filled the devoted clone at the thought of abandoning his liege lord and god. The words of an old 'trooper ballad floated through his mind:

Who will shine your boots?
And who will glove your hand?
And who will kiss your—"

"Sorry, Sir," he added, knowing that Lord Vader had picked that up in the Force. Naughty, naughty, he cautioned himself; keep it wholesome.

"Think nothing of it, K4," his Lordship replied magnanimously. "After all, I've just alienated the whole Imperial High Command by commissioning clone officers, and offed three quartermasters to get you new-issue armor, and paid your bonus out of my own money instead of making the payments on my respirator unit, and worked my fingers to the bone...er, alloy, that's all. Go ahead," the Dark Lord whined," go to Geppettoine! Leave me here all alone. I don't care."

Jeez, thought Raan, a Sith Jewish mother I get stuck with....

"I heard that!"

He did hate to leave his Lordship all alone, with only 8,764 other troopers to guard him. But Geppettoine, where every being could pull his own strings and carve out his own destiny... His eyes fell to the flyer he was holding. "ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER! Ten days to a new you!" it said, promising that through Force! (TM), the new Miracle SFX with Sparkling Blue Power Action, a clone could be discorporated and returned as a Real Live Boy. At the bottom of the page were photos and unsolicited testimonials from a number of beings, including an O.W. Kenobi, an A. Skywalker, and one little green munchkin identified only as "Y". Raan stared longingly at them. If only he could become a Real Boy, a human! It was every clone's dream. But how could he leave his post at his Lord's side to apprentice himself to a cobbler on distant Geppettoine for ten whole days?

"Go ahead! Go to Geppettoine! See if I care! Waaaah!" the awesome Dark Lord was still sniveling in injured tones as Raan's eyes returned to the powerful metal-clad figure. Suddenly, the solution was obvious.

"Right. Yes, Sir! At once, Lord Vader. By-your-command" (oops, wrong universe there) Raan answered. After all, a clone had no right to question his lord's orders, no matter how sarcastic.

But, he asked himself, would he still be able to grovel effectively at Darth Vader's feet from twelve parsecs away? Of course, came the answer. He would go to Geppettoine and get the Force, and, as everyone knows, if you have the Force in the Star Wars universe, you can do ANYTHING!

Raan saluted and left the Dark Lord's mighty presence, whistling cheerfully to himself.

 

Winter's Tales