MY FANDOM NEEDS MORE CRACK

By Margaret Price

Author's Notes -- Inspired by an icon by Mullenkemp which states: “My Fandom doesn’t have nearly as much crack as the canon," and the fact that I have been reading too many death fics. 

Dorian entered the large meeting room, taking in the assembled canon characters. There were folding chairs set up in rows with an aisle dividing them into two sections. One side was occupied by those associated with Eroica, the other, those associated with the Major. At the front of the room was a podium.

“Are you sure you want to do this, m’lord?” Bonham asked quietly.

Dorian gave him a quick sideways glance. “Of course I’m sure,” he said happily and then breezed to the front of the room.

Bonham sighed heavily before going to take a seat with the other members of Eroica’s group.

Dorian went to stand behind the podium and took in the assembled individuals. Klaus was standing alongside his men; his arms folded, a disapproving scowl on his face, and a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

“How nice of you to join us, Major,” Dorian said amiably. “Whatever made you agree to my invitation?”

“You actually sounded serious,” Klaus replied.

“Ah. I must remember that.”

“Before you start undressing the Major,” Mischa the Cub injected, “could we get to the point?”

“Actually, that rather is my point,” Dorian replied.

Klaus took a horrified step back. “What?”

“Have you seen what’s been going on in the fandom lately?” Dorian said seriously. “All those dark and dismal stories?”

Klaus took a puff on his cigarette. “I rather like dark and dismal,” he observed.

“That’s only because you get to kill to your heart’s content,” James pointed out.

Klaus’s eyes narrowed. “Have I killed you yet?”

James let out an alarmed cry and attempted to hide behind Bonham.

“Are you always like this?” a disapproving male voice asked from the back of the room.

Klaus turned, the angry expression on his face dissolving into one of shock. “Sir!” he gasped, coming to attention the same time as his father rose to his feet.

“I’m afraid it’s always like this, sir,” the Major’s butler replied. “Nothing to be done. Canon, you see.”

Dorian tapped a gavel on the podium, regaining everyone’s attention. “If we could keep to the point,” he said firmly.

“And that is…?” Klaus replied.

“For you to stop trying to take over the story!” James exclaimed, still cowering behind Bonham. “You’re not the hero, you know. You’re a…a…minor character.”

Klaus’s eyes narrowed, his voice hardening. “Minor? Are you sure about that? You don’t see me being written out of a story because I get in the way, do you?”

“Bully!”

“Please!” Dorian snapped. “The point of this meeting is to try and see what we can do to inject a little…um, well, a little more crack into the fans’ stories.”

Klaus stiffened visibly. “I will not condone the use of illegal drugs, Lord Gloria.”

Dorian rolled his eyes. “Major, that’s an expression.”

“Coming from you, it’s hard to tell.”

Again, Mischa the Cub intervened. “Just what, exactly, do you mean by…more crack?”

Dorian gave him a dazzling smile. “Well, just look at the stories from canon.”

“I’d rather not,” Klaus moaned. “You’re always trying to undress me. Or see me naked.”

“Oh, m’lord,” James wailed. “You said you’d stopped!”

“And then there’s him,” Klaus went on darkly.

“Sir, it is supposed to be a comic,” Agent A said mildly. “Aren’t comics supposed to be funny?”

“Cracked out!” Dorian cried. “Exactly what I mean.”

“You want people to write about that?” Klaus said in a disbelieving tone.

“Which would you prefer? That, or you and I as lovers?”

“What!” Klaus put a hand to his head. “You’re not serious?”

Dorian grinned. “I rather like those, actually.”

“I feel ill.”

“I like the ones where you two get married,” the Major’s butler said in a wistful tone. “Such domestic bliss.”

Klaus glared at him. “Traitor.”

“You get married!” the horrified Agent G gasped.

“I like that better than the slash I get put into,” Agent Z replied. “I’m clearly heterosexual in canon.”

“I thought the one when the Major got pregnant was pretty cracked out,” Agent B injected.

Klaus’s eye grew as wide as saucers. “When I what?

Mischa the Cub leaned over to the man beside him. “Are you getting this down, Comrade Tolstoy?”

“Yes, Comrade,” the man replied.

“Great! Now you’re helping the KGB!” the horrified Klaus thundered, pointing to the small knot of KGB agents surrounding Mischa the Cub and Polar Bear. “Keep this up and you’ll be on the next plane to Alaska!”

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Dorian cried, thumping a fist on the podium.

“You Goddamn fucking pervert!” Klaus yelled. “It’s bad enough you’re trying to corrupt my men, now you’re trying to corrupt an entire fanbase!”

“I am not,” Dorian replied defensively. “I’m trying to get a little levity in things, that’s all.”

“You’re wasting your time,” the Chief said calmly. “The man’s impossible to deal with. I doubt he’ll behave for the fans any better than he does for Aioke-san.”

Klaus crossed his arms, responding with a dark look.

“He’s right, m’lord,” James said timidly. “He took over from his first story on.”

“Someone has to have a little discipline around here,” Klaus growled.

“I think we’re getting off track again,” Dorian said helplessly.

“I have plenty of discipline,” James said firmly. “Do you know how hard it is to keep everyone from spending money?’

“Now, Jamesie…” Dorian said calmly.

“Stingy bug,” Klaus snapped.

“Major, that’s not…”

“Machine maniac!” James shot back.

“James, please…” Dorian said more insistently.

“Tightwad!”

“SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!” Dorian thundered at the top of his voice

Everyone stared at Dorian for several minutes, then James burst into tears. “Oh, my lord!” he wailed.

Klaus groaned, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. “Let me shoot him,” he said, reaching into his coat. “Please, just let me finish him off right here and now.”

“Major, we’re supposed to be working together to find a solution to this,” Dorian said.

“Fuck that,” Klaus said, waving a hand in the air. “We never work together. You get in my way to the point were I have to threaten to beat the shit out of you. And does it do me any good? No! You still interfere in my missions!”

“So this was all just a big waste of time,” Lawrence moaned.

“Where the hell did you come from?” Klaus demanded.

“I’ve been here the whole time. Overlooked as always,” Lawrence sighed. “Another rose of England left to wilt among the weeds.”

There was a collective groan from all present.

“Leave the flowery talk to the Earl,” Klaus snorted. “He’s better at it than you are.”

“Major!” Dorian said happily. “I didn’t know you cared.”

“I don’t.”

“Our files say otherwise,” Mischa the Cub injected knowingly.

“Shut up, Commie,” Klaus snapped.

“M’lord, I think you’d best adjourn before they kill each other,” Bonham suggested.

Dorian took in the situation and sighed heavily. “Yes, yes, fine. We got nothing accomplished.” He tapped his gavel and then tossed it over his shoulder. “Meeting adjourned everyone.”

“Good. Now we can get back to work,” Klaus said approvingly.

“Do we have another mission?” Agent A asked.

“I’m sure we do.” Klaus turned pointedly to the Earl. “And you’d better keep your Limey ass as far away from me as possible.”

Dorian leaned on his elbow and smiled. “Oh, but Major, the chase is so much more enjoyable than the catch.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “Do you have anymore foppish nonsense to say before I leave?”

“From Eroica with love.”

“Idiot.”

--- END ---

 

Eroica