SLEEPY HOLLOW: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™

                       By Rod Hilton



FADE IN:

EXT. SLEEPY HOLLOW WOODS

Somebody's head gets LOPPED OFF.

                    DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
          Whoa.  That was REALLY REALLY fun. I'm 
          gonna do that some more now.

INT. NEW YORK COURTHOUSE

                    JUDGE
          This court hereby finds your "science" 
          bad, and as punishment you must 
          investigate sleepy hollow, a town near 
          here in desperate need of a fish out 
          of water.

                    JOHNNY DEPP
             (sucking in cheeks)
          I see. Well, perhaps I shall take my 
          numerous comical instruments of 
          "science" and use them to cut shit up 
          in sleepy hollow.

INT. SLEEPY HOLLOW - A ROOM OF SOME SORT

Various higher-ups in the town brief DEPP on the 
situation.

                    A GUY
          Depp, we have this problem.  This 
          horseman.. he takes people's heads.

                    JOHNNY DEPP
          I see.  Well, there's only one thing 
          to do: act foppishly!

DEPP proceeds to NEATLY VOMIT.

                    JOHNNY DEPP (cont'd)
          Yes, that was quite nice.  Take me to 
          some bodies.

JOHNNY is shown some headless bodies, one of which he 
cuts up and it shoots BLOOD all over him.

                    JOHNNY DEPP (cont'd)
          Yes, I see.

                    TOWNSPERSON
          Another head has been removed in a 
          horrifying yet-somehow-comical-looking 
          manner!  To the woods!

EXT. SLEEPY HOLLOW WOODS

JOHNNY investigates a headless body with his strange and 
ridiculous instruments of "science" to discover....

                    JOHNNY DEPP
          Sirs!  This man desperately lacks a 
          head!  The wound suggests that the 
          cutter-offer instrument which was used 
          on this body would have been quite hot 
          or something of that very nature, I'm 
          not quite sure.  Please notice a roach 
          crawled out of the neck just now.

He vomits politely.

                    TOWNSPERSON
          You see?  The headless horseman did 
          it.

                    JOHNNY DEPP
          I do not believe in the headless 
          horseman.

The HORSEMAN comes by and takes another head.

                    JOHNNY DEPP (cont'd)
          Well, then.  I'm still a wee bit 
          skeptical of the existence of an 
          undead horseman that--

The HORSEMAN chops CASPER VAN DIEN into TWO PARTS.

                    JOHNNY DEPP (cont'd)
          I..er..uh..well..perhaps there is a 
          headless horseman, but I bet a human 
          is behind this whole thing.

                    MIRANDA RICHARDSON
          It's not me.

                    JOHNNY DEPP
          Don't worry, I assumed it was 
          Christina Ricca, the girl I am 
          supposedly in love with.

                    CHRISTINA RICCI
          Wha?

Some people cry and also some kind of massive 
conspiratorial plot is uncovered, but it's hard to 
remember what the hell it was as everyone's last name is 
almost IDENTICAL.  It's not really important, as the 
CINEMATOGRAPHY is DARK and therefore BURTONESQUE and 
COOL.

                    DANNY ELFMAN
          I HAVE MADE THE SCORE FOR THIS FILM!

DANNY smacks the AUDIENCE around a bit with a large club.

The HORSEMAN is now against RICCI, DEPP, and the other 
GOOD GUYS in the FINAL BATTLE.

                    JOHNNY DEPP
          You shall not take my Ricci!

The HORSEMAN lunges at JOHNNY but stops short.  Suddenly, 
the force created by JOHNNY'S MASSIVE CHEEK-SUCKING 
creates a vacuum on the side of his face.  All matter is 
pulled toward the vacuum.  The HORSEMAN grabs the WOMAN 
BEHIND ALL OF THIS CRAP and she is sucked into DEPP'S 
CHEEK as well.

                    CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
          Arrrrrghh!! Boyish good looks are too 
          powerful!  Cheek sucking.. massive 
          force... aieeeeee!

His disappears into oblivion, somewhere in DEPP'S CHEEK.

It's over.  DEPP and his CHEEKS have saved the day.

                    CHRISTINA RICCI
          I love you, foppish Depp.

                    JOHNNY DEPP
          Yes, well, the movie appears to have 
          ended.
             (pause)
          HELL MOTHERFUCKIN YEAH THAT WAS A GOOD 
          FILM!

He carves a mark into his arm, as he is COMPLETELY NUTS.

                    DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
          Damn, dude, you're weirder than me.

END
                                                         

Copyright 2002 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.
This parody comes from The Editing Room.

 

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Sleepy Hollow