At Sixes and Sevens
I entered MI6 with the full intention of betraying it, when the opportunity arose. When the pieces fell into place and I could exact the fullest possible revenge for what your beloved country did to me.
I approached you the same way I did all of them: as one more person to fool, to work over. You always thought you were so bloody clever, that you had a sixth sense for who to trust. But you trusted me, didn't you, James?
Our first assignment together, I never expected to see you as anything other than another dupe. Not that I was unaware of your reputation: first-rate at the job, loyal to the core despite occasional personal vendettas, and a menace to all rock piles rumored to harbor snakes.
I never gave you any reason to see me as anything other than one more comrade-in-arms. I never gave you any reason to single me out.
But for no reason I could see you did. Only a month after we began working together, I found that I was your closest friend, without any idea how it had happened. But I was the one you drank with after hours, the one you talked to in the locker room after training, the one you turned to first on assignment. Why? There were half a dozen men in the unit every bit as good as I, and as friendly to you. Friendlier, for I never made a single overture of friendship to you, only accepted the ones you made. I never allowed my difference any of my differences to show. Just one more fellow dupe to watch your back and eventually stop a bullet for God and Country. Why did you choose me?
I'll never know.
Regardless, I could not resist it. I had determined not to allow myself to care about any of you faithful lapdogs, even as I gave every appearance of friendship. But you seemed so sincere, I could not remain aloof. I could not help believing that you really felt the affection for me you seemed to, given so freely and warmly.
And that one night, you gave me more. Everything I had imagined but never hoped for, your warm solid weight on me, filling me, shattering my world and reconstituting it into something new and frightening and far more beautiful. I remember how your eyes looked, dark with desire, gleaming in the dim light from the candles, and how I bit my lips to keep myself from crying out the mad thoughts in my head.
It became a silent prayer I did not dare to say aloud: Please, don't stop, not now, whatever you do five minutes from now, just please please don't stop now....
I would have been willing to settle, James. What I had was enough. I never would have asked you for it. Having given it, you had no right to then take it away.
But the next day it was back to as it had been. You running after every skirt in sight shouldn't it have meant more with the man who watched your back? The one who saw you and not just a handsome conquest?
I intended to betray you from the start. What I didn't expect was that you would deserve it.