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Creepy Hollow by Darth Maligna(Another one of those wacky parodies by Mel Brooks’s long-lost twin, Darth Maligna) Disclaimer: Sleepy Hollow isn’t mine. I’m not sure to whom it does belong, but I do know it’s not me. (Honest.) I’m not making any money off of this; the only time I’d ever infringe upon copyright laws is when I use Napster™. (Just kidding, any member of the more intelligent half of the species can tell you it’s perfectly legal.) Scene opens in a close-up of a piece of parchment with something scrawled on it in illegible Pig Latin. We can’t tell what it is, but we figure it must be something very important, like the Constitution or Declaration of Independence or a note excusing somebody from gym class. A lot of stuff happens in extreme close-up before the Constitution/Declaration/note thing is folded up and sealed with either wax or blood, you be the judge. A stamp with a windmill and "Van Garrett" printed on it is pressed into the substance. The music swells, but, as of yet, we don’t know why. Cut scene to nighttime, out in a cornfield in the country. A guy with red hair is driving a carriage through the field. Inside it is an old fogy wearing a wig and holding a purse. Nothing happens for a few long minutes and a few people get up and leave. This is to weed out the hypocrites among us who aren’t completely loyal to Ray Park. Finally there’s a noise outside the carriage; first just horse hooves and then a sound that sounds like a dying cow but is, in reality, the other horse. A dark blur whizzes by outside the window. SOUND EFFECTS: *SHWOOM* *SHWOOM* *FWOOSH* *THUNK* Even though we’re slightly confused as to what the *SHWOOM* sound could be, we get the general gist of things but the guy in the carriage doesn’t, as evidenced when he sticks his head out the window and finds his driver cranium-less. Needless to say the guy in the carriage is scared out of his wits and jumps out of the carriage, running oh-so-intelligently straight into the cornfield where movement is difficult and it’s impossible to see more than two feet in front of you. Nice one. Pretty soon he comes up on this big evil-lookin’ scarecrow that looks a helluva lot like Jack Skellington and falls on his bum. GUY: Crud! I’m lost in a Tim Burton flick! Suddenly from out of the mist rides the Headless Horseman. He ignites one end of his lightsaber (*SHWOOM*) and cuts off the guy’s head (*FWOOSH*). The Horseman grabs the head using the Force, stuffs it in a duffel bag, and rides off into the sunset. Er, the night. SCARECROW: This year will be the best Christmas ever! TIM BURTON: Shut up. Cut scene to nighttime on a bunch of docks. The subtitles read, "New York, 1799". Johnny Depp is sitting on the docks poking at something in the water with a stick and giggling like a little boy. A guy appears behind him. GUY: Hey, Constable Crane, whatcha doin’? ICHABOD: I found this dead body in the river. GUY: Shouldn’t ya take it in to report it? ICHABOD: Hey, good idea! Pull it out! GUY: Why me? ICHABOD: I’m not touching that, it’s icky! Cut scene to the jailhouse. The guy comes in with a wheelbarrow, the dead guy in it. HEAD POLICE GUY: Burn it, yuck! ICHABOD: Wait! (Holds up stick) I wanna mess with it some more! POLICE CHIEF: You are one sad, sick little man. Cut scene to the courthouse. JUDGE: Ichabod Crane, you’re going up to see what’s going down in Creepy Hollow, can ya dig it? ICHABOD: Umm… yeah, I guess, whatever… Cut scene to the woods of upstate New York. Ichabod is driving along in a carriage, reading a book. The credits materialize periodically. ICHABOD: (to driver) It’s a nice day out; why don’t you put the top down? Why are you looking at the screen like that? You’ve never heard of a convertible carriage? Well, neither have I but it sounds kinda cool. Anywho, the credits go on just as they would regularly, except this time Ray Park’s name is mentioned because no favorite actor of mine is getting jipped in this parody. In a few agonizingly long minutes, Ichabod arrives at the gates of Creepy Hollow. As he walks down the main street, most of the people shut their windows at him. One little boy appears on a balcony and hits him with a rock. ICHABOD: Ow! You might want to take notes on this: to Ichabod’s right on the edge of town, a father is saying goodbye to his son and then climbs up in a tree house. ICHABOD: Why is everything so gray? ME: It’s called atmosphere, and right now you're ruining it by talking so shut up. Ichabod finally arrives at a spooky-looking old house. By then it’s pretty dark. He rings the doorbell. A couple of people are making out in the shadows in the corner of the front porch. We can’t tell who they are. STAR WARS FANS IN THE AUDIENCE: Saaaaaayyyy… ME: We can’t tell who they are! STAR WARS FANS: But— ME: Zip it! So anyway, the door is answered and instead of a spooky old dusty house like the ones in The Haunting or the original House on Haunted Hill, somebody’s throwing a party! Yippee! ICHABOD: Hi! SOME DUDE: Hey, everybody, a gatecrasher! Everybody stops and stares. … EVERYONE: Hi! Ichabod enters and goes about trying to find whoever it is he’s looking for but is distracted by Christina Ricci in a low-cut dress. She’s wearing a button reading, "OBVIOUS LOVE-INTEREST". KATRINA: Hi, I’m Katrina! ICHABOD: Hi, I’m unnaturally pale. I’m looking for Baltus Van Tassel. KATRINA: I’m his daughter. ICHABOD: I didn’t ask who you were! KATRINA: Hmph! He’s over there. Cut scene to a small parlor or whatever. Occupying it are Magistrate Philipse (what the hell kind of way is that to spell Phillips?), Baltus Van Tassel, Dr. Sidious (wearing his trademark ominous black cloak), Reverend Steenwick, and some other guy whose name I can’t remember. I’ll try and think of it. Heck, you know who I’m talking about. That other guy. Ichabod enters. ICHABOD: Umm… hi. EVERYONE ELSE: Hi. ICHABOD: …(uneasy silence)… So, anyway, I suppose we should get down to business? EVERYONE ELSE: Good idea. ICHABOD: So, three persons killed. SIDIOUS: People killed. ICHABOD: Three people killed. All by decapitation. (Waves hands about dramatically) Spooky, eh? You might even call it… creepy? Blank stares. ICHABOD: (shifts his weight) Uh… so, I suppose I should ask if anybody is suspected? That other guy whose name I can’t remember almost chokes on his tea. VAN TASSEL: Heh heh heh… this guy is clueless. ICHABOD: Huh? VAN TASSEL: (giggles) STEENWICK: He means that the Headless Horseman did it, you dumbarse. We don’t know how we know that, but we do and that makes you stupid. Come, men, let us point and laugh! They all point and laugh. ICHABOD: Hey, weren’t you in Beetlejuice? STEENWICK: Shut up. ICHABOD: Er… what is a Headless Horseman, anyway? VAN TASSEL: I’ll tell the legend. (Looks at the camera) Can we get a close up of the fire and a fade out for dramatic emphasis, please? Thank you. The Horseman was a Hessian mercenary here 20 years ago… that’s 1779 for the mathematically challenged among us. The author isn’t sure why the hell German princes would send him here, so we’re just going to change that and say he was sent here by the English (everyone present coughs into their hands) during the Revolution. [I finally get to put social studies to good use!] Unlike his buddies who came because they were getting paid, he came because he needed to hone his rage. Fades into a battle. Christopher Walken rides in, but is immediately pushed off of his horse (and replaced by) Ray Park. So Ray Park rides into the shot on this really big, cool-looking black horse, lightsaber ignited, and proceeds to lop off heads left and right. VAN TASSEL: He was known for painting his face red and black and riding into battle and kicking total arse. He didn’t file his teeth into sharp points, but he didn’t brush them much either and he had this thirty-foot long tongue and liked to climb up walls. Just a flat-out strange guy. One day he was riding through the woods, idly looking for George Washington’s army because he’d already kicked all the butt available everywhere else, when his horse gets shot by snipers. Shot fades into the woods in winter. The events happen and he falls off his horse. HESSIAN: (in Ray’s English accent despite the fact that he’s German) Dammit! Stupid $*#$Y #(*&$ at A! Stupid #*( at &$ Americans! $* at #&! The horseman starts tromping away through the woods on foot, grumbling German swear words to himself. He comes up to a couple of snotty-looking little girls in pink dresses. They stare at him. He stares at them. They blink at him. He cocks his head at them. One of them, for reasons unexplained, snaps a stick. He jumps up and down swearing silently a few times and then kicks her. AMERICAN: (V.O.) Over here! HESSIAN: Force dammit! The Americans rush through the trees and they all ignite their lightsabers. The Hessian totally kicks butt but is soon outnumbered and stabbed through the middle. HESSIAN: Ow, you stupid %*( at #& at ! That really hurts! VAN TASSEL: They cut off his head with his own sword. They do so. Suddenly a battle-cry is heard off-camera and the soldiers are tackled by the director and they all pile on and get into a fist fight. VAN TASSEL: That’s not what happened! ME: Yes it is! VAN TASSEL: No it isn’t! ME: Yes it is! VAN TASSEL: No it isn’t! ME: Yes it is yes it is yes it is! VAN TASSEL: No it isn’t no it isn’t no it isn’t! ME: Is is is is is! VAN TASSEL: Isn’t isn’t isn’t isn’t isn’t! ME: Is times infinity! Van Tassel sticks his tongue out at the screen. VAN TASSEL: Anyway, it doesn’t matter how the director feels on the matter because he’s dead and they buried him and now the woods are haunted, okay? ME: (Mocking) Ooooh, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah… ICHABOD: And you think the Horseman’s been doing this murdering thing? VAN TASSEL: Yep, pretty much. ICHABOD: You’re all completely loopy! SIDIOUS: The story doesn’t sound that implausible to me… ICHABOD: Oh, shut up! Cut scene to that night. Ichabod stumbles down the stairs. ICHABOD: Ugh, damn insomnia… well, I better go catch up on my infomercials… oh, wait, this is the 18th century, we haven’t invented infomercials yet. Well what the hell are insomniacs supposed to do until then? He turns around and notices a flickering light in the next room. ICHABOD: Hey, that must be a TV! He runs in and just then realizes it’s only the fireplace. KATRINA: Hi! ICHABOD: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that fluctuating light was a television. I’ll just go take some sleeping pills instead… KATRINA: Uh, duh! We have to talk because this scene was obviously staged to build romantic tension because I’m your obvious love-interest! She taps the button. ICHABOD: Uh… okay. They lapse into uneasy silence and stare at each other. ICHABOD: So… How are things? KATRINA: Whatchin’ a game, havin’ a Bud… ICHABOD: True, true… More uneasy silence. ICHABOD: Well, see ya. KATRINA: Yeah. Ichabod leaves. Cut scene to later that night. That dude you were supposed to be noting earlier is still up in his tree fort, pointing a gun out into the woods. He takes a chug out of a can of Colt .45 because, really, no one in their right mind would sit outside alone at night waiting for a rampaging dead guy unless they were drunk out of their skull. So anywho, he hiccups and shifts his weight and then all of a sudden this mist comes out of the woods. MASBATH: (slurred) Ah, good, that can’t be crap. (Hiccup.) The mist extinguishes all the torches in the area. There’s a rustling of foliage and a bunch of deer run out of the woods. Masbath panics and shoots one accidentally. The tree fort is immediately picketed by PETA activists who are, in turn, chased off by the director wielding a black double-bladed lightsaber. ME: Yeah, get outta here ya loonies! You people give animal-rights a bad reputation! Oh yeah? Well bite me! The Headless Horseman shows up right about then. He comes riding out of the woods ominously but slows down when he almost mows me down with his horse. HESSIAN’S DISEMBODIED VOICE: Hey, you ruined my dramatic entrance! ME: Sorry, honey. HESSIAN: (crosses arms) I really wish you wouldn’t call me that, I’m supposed to be an evil rampaging demon, remember? ME: (sickeningly sweet) You know I only do it cause it annoys you, sugar-pumpkin. HESSIAN: Could you please just get out of my way? I smirk and exit. (I’m so not cut out for directing.) Anyway, Masbath jumps out of the tree fort and, being smashed, runs, er, stumbles straight into the woods. HESSIAN: (turns toward the camera) Is this guy serious? He shrugs and rides off after him but catches up in about two seconds and stops. HESSIAN: Oh, come on! This is pathetic! I’m not having any fun at all! Here, I’ll even make it easier and chase you on foot. He dismounts. MASBATH: (drunk off his ass) But ociffer, I’m not as think as you drunk I am! (Grins stupidly.) HESSIAN: (hops up and down, stamping his feet in exasperation) Run! Run, damn you! I order you to put up a fight! Masbath responds by falling over unconscious. HESSIAN: Ah, to hell with it. SOUND FX: *SHWOOM* *SHWOOM* *FWOOSH* Cut scene to the next day. Some guy gets Ichabod a horse. GUY: Here ya’ go! His name’s Gunpowder. ICHABOD: Why? Does he have an explosive personality? (Laughs at his own joke) The guy scrunches up his face at him and then just walks away, shaking his head. SOME OTHER GUY: (rides out of the forest) Hey everyone! Come quick, we found a body in the woods! Cut scene to the woods. The villagers are standing around. Ichabod hasn’t arrived yet. SIDIOUS: All right, everybody stand back, I am the doctor in this outfit and it’s my duty to make sure he is dead before we can be too sure. PHILLIPS: What? What are you talking about? Of course he’s dead, he’s bloody decapitated! SIDIOUS: You can never be too sure. Sidious picks up a stick and pokes the body. Not eliciting a response, he whacks it a few times. It just lies there. SIDIOUS: Okay, he’s dead. PHILLIPS: I told you so, you old coot! Sidious raises his hand and Phillips gasps and grabs his throat. BROM: That’s enough! (Picks up a stick and whacks Sidious with it) SIDIOUS: Ow! Ichabod enters and jumps off of his horse. ICHABOD: I’m here, nobody panic! Now, have we pronounced the victim dead? Sidious pokes it with a stick. ICHABOD: I see. Good work, Doctor. Cause of death? SIDIOUS: We suspect decapitation, but you can never be too sure. PHILLIPS: Huh? Of course he died of decapitation! He’s bloody headless! SIDIOUS: You can NEVER BE TOO SURE! (Whacks Phillips with his stick) PHILLIPS: You’re completely insane! (Picks up a stick and whacks Sidious with it) BROM: Enough! (Whacks them both with a stick) ICHABOD: Oh, for the love of Vulcan, enough with the sticks already! Ichabod kneels on the ground and examines the uh… wound. ICHABOD: Interesting… the wound was cauterized immediately. SIDIOUS: But lightsabers don’t give off heat. ICHABOD: Would you shut up with your silly superstitions already? SIDOUS: Superstitions my foot, you’ll see we’re right. And when you do you’ll finally admit that you were wrong and we’ll all point and laugh at you like this. They all point and laugh. Cut scene to later that day out in the graveyard. Steenwick is reading something boring out of the Bible and nobody is listening. STEENWICK: (monotone) …and God kicked-eth Satan’s ass and banished-eth him to the dark underworld, saying, "Damn-eth you to Hell, dark evildoer." Amen. EVERYONE ELSE: (bored) Amen. Steenwick throws a handful of dirt on the coffin. STEENWICK: Ah, we’ll just say it’s buried. (Brightens up) Well, now that that’s over with, why don’t we head back to the Church and have sandwiches and moderately priced champagne? EVERYONE ELSE: (brighten up) Yahoo! Everyone walks off except for Haley Joel Osment who just stares at the grave. PHILLIPS: (runs up to Ichabod) Hey, I’ve just, out of nowhere, decided to tell you something important for no reason whatsoever. There’s five people in those four graves, okay? You figure it out for yourself, I’m too lazy to explain it! He walks off. ICHABOD: Okay… Hey, kid! HALEY: Yeah? ICHABOD: What’s your name? HALEY: Masbath. Eugene Masbath. ICHABOD: Eugene… okay. Eugene, I want you to run off like a good little boy and find me some men to help me out tonight, okay? EUGENE: I see dead people. ICHABOD: That’s very nice, Eugene, now run along. EUGENE: Okay. He does so. Cut scene to that night in the graveyard. A few guys from the village are digging up a grave. Eugene is sitting on the grass leaning against a headstone. Ichabod is examining three other bodies that are lined up on the ground. ICHABOD: One… two… four… No! No! One… two… Crap, I lost count! Eugene, come over here for a minute. EUGENE: Yes, sir? ICHABOD: How many bodies do you see here? EUGENE: Three? ICHABOD: Okay, thank you. EUGENE: I see dead people. ICHABOD: Shut up. The guys carry over the fourth coffin and pry it open. We take notice that this body, like the rest, isn’t rotting yet. (The hell?) Anyway, Ichabod bends down to examine it. ICHABOD: What? Well I only see one body here! Three plus one is four, right? EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah… ICHABOD: (stands up) Phillips… that dirty rotten liar! Either he intentionally sent me on a wild goose chase or he doesn’t know how to count! Ichabod kicks the coffin out of frustration. It turns over and the body falls out. She lands so that we can see that she was stabbed through the midsection as well as decapitated. ICHABOD: Hmm… This means something! But what could it be? AUDIENCE: She was pregnant, you moron! ICHABOD: Huh? AUDIENCE: It’s only the most obvious thing in the whole movie! Why you don’t understand that right from the start is beyond us! You have got to be the most dimwitted detective ever! ICHABOD: Well excuse me! Cut scene to the next night. Ichabod just happens to be taking a stroll through town in the middle of the night, all alone, with a madman on the loose. Is this guy a moron or what? Anyway, he walks by a house where a bunch of the other main characters are fighting. We can’t hear what they’re saying. Out the front door storms Magistrate Phillips who gets on his cart and drives off. Ichabod follows and catches up in a field outside of town. Another one of those Jack Skellington-esque scarecrows is out there. ICHABOD: Hey! PHILLIPS: (hops off his cart) What? ICHABOD: How did you know the Widow Winship was pregnant? PHILLIPS: She told me. ICHABOD: …Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense. PHILLIPS: Of course it makes sense! Suddenly from out of the woods rides the Headless Horseman. SOUND FX: *SHWOOM* *SHWOOM* *FWOOSH* *THUNK* The Hessian takes the head and rides off again. All this takes about five seconds. Ichabod doesn’t even move. He just blinks and faints. Cut scene to back at the Van Tassel house. Katrina and her father and Eugene walk in. Ichabod is still passed out. They poke him and he wakes up. ICHABOD: Ah! KATRINA: It’s just me, your obvious love-interest (taps the button), and my father and Eugene. VAN TASSEL: We found you passed out in the field. What happened? ICHABOD: (pulls the covers up, whispering) I see dead people. EUGENE: Me too! ICHABOD: Shut up, Eugene! I’m serious. I saw him! The Headless Horseman! VAN TASSEL: All right, everybody, we were right and he was wrong, let’s point and laugh! They point and laugh. ICHABOD: You don’t understand! He… he didn’t have a head! EVERYONE ELSE: (sarcastic) No shit!? Ichabod just passes out again. Cut scene to a dream sequence. There’s lots of green grass and pink trees and white umm… stuff floating around. AUDIENCE: Oh, our eyes! The colors! The colors! A young Ichabod and his mom in a really low-cut dress do some stuff and his mom is forced to listen to Iron Maiden. No, wait, I mean put into an iron maiden. Sorry. His dad turns into the Headless Horseman, even though that’s ridiculous because his father is butt-ugly whereas the Hessian is a total hottie and his father is stupid whereas the Hessian is the only intelligent person in the film and his father can’t fight for peanuts whereas the Hessian— AUDIENCE: Shut the hell up, you fucking lunatic! We get it! You like Ray Park! Why do you feel the needs to pound that into our heads?! Why? Why?! Do you get some sort of deranged sense of self-fulfillment from this or something?! MALIGNA: Er… (Tears well up anime-style) AUDIENCE: Aww, geez. We’re really sorry, we didn’t mean to make you cry. It’s just that… well, could you get on with it? I start sobbing and run off to cry on somebody’s shoulder. Preferably the Horseman’s. AUDIENCE: Argh! I snicker evilly. Anywho, a lot of messed up stuff happens before it finally turns into one of those normal dreams where he goes to work but realizes he forgot to get dressed when he gets there. Cut scene to the next day. Ichabod and Eugene are sitting around. ICHABOD: I’m so bored… whadda you wanna do, Eugene? EUGENE: You know when you feel that tingling on the back of your neck, and the hair on your arms stands straight up? That’s them. ICHABOD: Okay, let’s just go look for the Horseman’s grave, shall we? EUGENE: Does that mean we’re gonna see dead people? ICHABOD: (sighs) Yes, Eugene, we’re going to see dead people. Cut scene to out in the woods. Ichabod and Eugene are riding along a trail. All the trees are dead and there’s lots of fog and crap. So anyway, they finally arrive at a door built into a hill. They go in. A woman with a weird veil covering her face is sitting in front of a fire. ICHABOD: (shoving Eugene in front of him) Umm, hello? Excuse me, we’re looking for a psychotic bloodthirsty dead guy? Do you know where we can find one? WOMAN: (gets up) Sure do… Go out, kid. Go out and don’t come back in, no matter what you hear. I don’t care if you hear your friend here dying a bloody, horrible death. Don’t come in. I don’t care if you hear a heard of cows in here. Don’t come in. I don’t care if you hear a Limp Bizkit concert going on in my living room. Don’t come in. I don’t care if— EUGENE: Okay, I get it! He runs out. WOMAN: Come with me. ICHABOD: Er… okay. Ichabod follows the woman into another room. She sits down and chains herself to the wall. CROW: Oooh… kinky! Suddenly a bunch of guys in suits and Ray Bans enter the theater and drag a guy and two robots in the front row towards the exit. TOM: What the hell? AGENT Q: I’m sorry sir, but you aren’t authorized to be on this planet. MIKE: What do you mean? I was born here but I’ve been stuck on a satellite for the past 10 years! AGENT Q: (sarcastic) Then what are you doing here? CROW: It’s being fumigated, we came here to riff! AGENT Q: Sure it is, sir… sure it is. They exit. So back to the movie… She chains herself to the wall and Ichabod sits down on the opposite side of the table. She starts putting lots of very icky things in a bowl. WOMAN: (holds bowl out) Here, eat this. ICHABOD: But I— WOMAN: Eat it! Ichabod hesitantly eats it, desperately trying not to spit it out or hurl or both. ICHABOD: What was that for? WOMAN: Nothing, I just wanted to see you eat it. Now then, let’s get down to business. What do you want? ICHABOD: I’m looking for the Headless Horseman’s grave. WOMAN: Ohh, yeah! I know him! See, I sold my soul to the Devil, he lives in Hell, you know how it goes. Nice guy. ICHABOD: Yes, that’s all very well and good, but could you just tell me where he’s buried? WOMAN: Sure. I’ll just use my mystical powers to find your answer. She produces a magic 8-ball and shakes it up. WOMAN: "My sources say no." ICHABOD: What? WOMAN: Its sources say no. ICHABOD: That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! It doesn’t even fit the question! WOMAN: Yes it does. ICHABOD: No it doesn’t! WOMAN: The 8-ball knows all. ICHABOD: Well maybe it does but it doesn’t have a wide enough vocabulary to help me! WOMAN: Do you doubt my magic powers? ICHABOD: Yes! You sold your soul to Satan and all you got was a lousy magic 8-ball? WOMAN: You know, that would make a good t-shirt. ICHABOD: That’s not the point! WOMAN: Listen. You’ll know when you get there. There’s gotta be some kind of bleak, scary-looking meadow or marker or neon sign reading, "Grave of the Headless Horseman" or something. ICHABOD: That’s ridiculous! WOMAN: You’ll know it when you see it, okay? Now that’ll be $34.95 plus tip. Cut scene to outside. Ichabod walks out of the house. EUGENE: So? ICHABOD: I can’t believe I just paid 40 bucks to have some lunatic tell me "I’ll know it when I see it." EUGENE: So we’re not going to get to see dead people? ICHABOD: Oh, shut up. Suddenly another horse rides up. KATRINA: Hi! ICHABOD: What are you doing here? KATRINA: I don’t know, it just seemed like a good idea to follow you around. ICHABOD: Oh. KATRINA: So, are we gonna find the grave? ICHABOD: Not if the best help I can get is from a piece of plastic crap I could buy for $2.99 at Wal-Mart. KATRINA: Huh? ICHABOD: Never mind. Cut scene to deeper in the woods. Ichabod, Katrina, and Eugene are riding single-file through the trees. Suddenly they stop and gasp at something off-camera. KATRINA: The hell? ICHABOD: Whoa, déjà vu… EUGENE: Dead people, dead people! They’ve come across the Tree of the Dead, this big ol’ scary-arse tree with a big neon sign attached to it reading, "Grave of the Headless Horseman." KATRINA: Eww, what’s that stuff on the tree? ICHABOD: It looks like… ketchup! ME: (clears throat) Umm… that is ketchup, we’re running a bit low on budget so just pretend it’s blood. ICHABOD: Whatever you say, o fearless leader. Let’s do that again. KATRINA: Eww, what’s that stuff on the tree? ICHABOD: It looks like… blood! Ichabod walks up to the tree and starts hacking away at it with an ax, getting completely covered in "blood" in the process. He peels away the bark and all of a sudden all the heads of the dead people roll forward. Heaven forbid they be rotting, though! ICHABOD: Oh, gross! KATRINA: Eeeewwwww! EUGENE: I see dead people! Pause. ICHABOD: So… now what? EUGENE: Let’s dig up more dead people! Uneasy silence. ICHABOD: (shrug) Okay. Ichabod commences digging up the Headless Horseman. By the time it’s dark he’s finished. He’s got a nice-sized hole in the ground and the bones are completely exposed yet are illogically placed in the correct positions. The skull is gone. ICHABOD: In a big ol’ leap of logic, I’m going to deduce that whoever has the head is contolling the Horseman! As if on cue, the heads in the tree roll back and the Headless Horseman astride his big ol’ horse leaps out. Cue adrenaline rush. EVERYONE: Holy crap! AUDIENCE: Yesssss! ICHABOD: Hey, how come I didn’t get an entrance like that? I’m the main character! The Horseman gallops off through the woods at top speed. Cut scene to in town, the Killian residence. Inside, Mr. Killian, the midwife Killian, and their adorable little boy Thomas are spending a quiet evening at home. Mr. Killian is sitting at the kitchen table in front of the fire and his wife and son are in the other room. Suddenly, the fire flares up and you can see all these scary demon-skull-faces in it. (Pretty frickin’ cool.) Cut to outside, a close-up of a sign on the door reading, "Knock before entering." The Horseman, of course, does no such thing. He just barges right in, ignoring the sign partially because he’s bad and partially because he has no head so he can’t read anyway. KILLIAN: Holy crap! HESSIAN: How come everyone says that whenever I come in? ME: Because you’re just so damn good at making entrances. Now hurry up and fight before you lose the audience’s interest, I think these people will only respond to violence. AUDIENCE: Kill him! Kick his ass! They commence fighting. Meanwhile, Mrs. Killian has slammed the door, put Thomas in the cellar for safe keeping until winter, and pulled a rug over the door. But we don’t care, do we audience? Because what do we want to see? AUDIENCE: Gratuitous violence! So the Headless Horseman and Killian go through a fight routine, but the Hessian overpowers him eventually. SOUND FX: *FWOOSH* *THUNK* Cut scene to the other room. Mrs. Killian is standing in the corner, eyes closed, shaking. We can hear the Horseman walking on the other side of the wall and the door creaks open. The Horseman enters the doorway holding the other guy’s head, and sets it down on the table. He prepares to fight. An uneasy silence lapses, as Mrs. Killian doesn’t do anything. The Horseman shifts his weight uneasily. HESSIAN: Umm… I thought this was the fight scene. AUDIENCE: (chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! FEMALE AUDIENCE: How stereotypical! HESSIAN: Oh, screw it. SOUND FX: *FWOOSH* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* *THUNK* Her head rolls to a stop right above Thomas, whom the audience has all but forgotten about in their bloodthirsty hype. The Horseman picks it up and walks out of the house without looking back. He stops in the doorway, though, and remembers they have a kid, too. He spins around and thrusts his lightsaber through the floorboards. THOMAS: Holy crap! The Horseman grabs Thomas by the collar and picks him up. HESSIAN: I’ll teach you to use language like that! Cut scene to out on the edge of town. Brom and his pals are keeping a lookout. BROM: Okay, you go that way, you go that way, and I’ll stay here. BROM’S BUDDIES: But— BROM: Don’t argue, just do it! They ride off. Suddenly, a high-pitched girly scream is heard from town. Brom rides off gallantly to save the day. Cut scene back to town, outside the Killian residence. The Headless Horseman, using his trademark cocky strut, exits the house, shoving Thomas’s head into his duffel bag. Just as he’s walking away, Brom shows up with his (ooh, scary!) rifle. He fires on the Horseman, hitting him right in the chest. The Horseman falls over. ME: Ahhh! (Falls out of director’s chair) Brom gets up, smirking, but stops smirking when the Horseman does the same thing. He gasps and gets down and starts to load his gun again, but before he can do any such thing the Horseman casually walks up and backhands him. He continues walking off. Brom forgets the gun and grabs his dagger instead. He throws it, hitting the Horseman right in the back. ME: Ahhh! (Curls up in a fetal position on the floor and covers eyes) The Horseman just stops, extremely annoyed, pulls the dagger out of his back, and turns around. He throws the dagger back, hitting Brom in the thigh, and turns around and continues walking off, never looking back. (Can’t help but think of Maulie, can you?) Brom pulls the dagger out of his leg (eesh!) and decides it time to bring out the heavy ammunition—farm tools! He grabs a couple of scythes, but Ichabod rushes in. ICHABOD: Wait, he’s not after you! And look what you’re doing to the director! I’m curled up on the floor, sobbing. BROM: Yeah, but the audience loves it! The audience, by now, is jumping up and down on their seats, cheering. Oh, what a bloodthirsty society we live in. ICHABOD: Well, whatever. Ichabod grabs a scythe and they run after the Horseman. They swing, but he anticipates the move, turning around and blocking with his saber just in time. It slices right through their weapons. BROM AND ICHABOD: Oh, shit. The Horseman stops and looks at his lightsaber. HESSIAN: This is just too easy. He shrugs, throws his saber off to the side, and produces an actual sword. ICHABOD: Thanks! The protagonists grab a couple more scythes and the fight sequence continues. Eventually Ichabod gets behind the Horseman and lodges his weapon in his back. The director screams and runs into the bathroom, locking the door. HORSEMAN: These guys just don’t get it, do they? Ichabod and Brom finally realize that the most logical course of action would be to run and they do so, across the nearby covered bridge. The Horseman pulls the scythe out of his back and throws it through the window of the cabin. Ichabod and Brom reach the other side of the bridge and stop and turn around. The Horseman is nowhere in sight and the bridge is empty, but they can hear him walking across it. They don’t realize where he is until he jumps down behind them and flips Ichabod over his shoulder. He continues fighting with Brom, eventually overpowering him and slicing him in half.
AUDIENCE: (going berserk) Sweeeeeet! STAR WARS FANS: Star Wars reference! Star Wars reference! HESSIAN: Is not! Speaking of Star Wars references, what happened to the director? I’m still in the bathroom. Most of the cast who’s not onscreen is trying to coax me out. The Horseman walks up and knocks on the door. HESSIAN: Umm, I’m already dead. They didn’t hurt me. ME: Go away! HESSIAN: But I’m— ME: Argh! HESSIAN: Okay, sorry… At this point, the combination of all that adrenaline and sugar from too much Pepsi has knocked the audience out. Oh, well, the show must go on, even if there’s nobody to watch it or direct it. Cut scene to the next day, at the Van Tassel house. Ichabod’s unconscious and Dr. Sidious is examining him. SIDIOUS: Well, he’s pretty banged up but he should survive. Here’s a prescription for him. He scribbles something on a pad of paper and hands it to Baltus Van Tassel. VAN TASSEL: What? This is completely illegible! SIDIOUS: Unreadable handwriting is a med school requirement. VAN TASSEL: Oh. Ichabod wakes up. ICHABOD: What? Where am I? VAN TASSEL: You’re at my house. You’re a bit delirious but that’s to be expected considering you really got the stuffing beat out of you last night. ICHABOD: Oh. Oh, yeah, I have discovered something. The Headless Horseman does not kill at random; his actions are controlled by somebody! VAN TASSEL: See? I told you you’re delirious. ICHABOD: I am not delirious! VAN TASSEL: That’s just what a delirious person would say! ICHABOD: D’oh! Cut scene to later that day. Ichabod wakes up again to find Katrina sitting by him. KATRINA: Well, good morning, sugar-bunny! ICHABOD: What did you call me? KATRINA: Sugar-bunny. It’s been decided that since I’m your obvious love-interest (taps the button), I’ll get paid a bonus every time I call you sugar-bunny, sugar-bunny! ICHABOD: This is going to be a looong movie… KATRINA: It sure is, sugar-bunny! Cut scene to later that day. Ichabod is dressed and pacing back and forth, thinking. All of a sudden, he has an idea and slams open his door, smashing Eugene, who was just coming in, behind it against the wall. ICHABOD: (throws his index finger in the air) Eureka! EUGENE: (from behind the door) Oww… ICHABOD: Eugene? Is that you? EUGENE: The pain… ICHABOD: It is! Come, Eugene, to the Batmobile! EUGENE: (groans) This is the 18th century; cars haven’t been invented yet. ICHABOD: Well, in that case, to the Carriagemobile! Cut scene to the home of that guy whose name I can’t remember. Since it’s been about 20 pages and I still can’t remember his name, we’ll just call him "Bob." So cut scene to Bob’s house. Ichabod and Eugene enter. BOB: Hey, you can’t just barge in here like you own the place! ICHABOD: Why? The Horseman does! BOB: Yeah, but you gotta know how to barge in with style. Ichabod scowls. BOB: So what do you want, anyway? ICHABOD: (with forced assertiveness) What do you know about the Headless Horseman?! BOB: Umm, he dresses in black? ICHABOD: No… BOB: He kills innocent people? ICHABOD: Noooo… BOB: Er… He doesn’t have a head? ICHABOD: No no no! Come on, Eugene, he doesn’t know anything! They rush out. BOB: Well, if they had stayed a little longer, I coulda told them who’s controlling the Horseman. Oh, well. Cut scene to back at the Van Tassel household. Ichabod and Eugene tromp in looking rather downtrodden. VAN TASSEL: There you are! We’re running late, are you coming or what? ICHABOD: Coming where? VAN TASSEL: To Church, where else? ICHABOD: Why? VAN TASSEL: The director ordered the whole town to go to the Church! ICHABOD: Why? VAN TASSEL: How am I supposed to know? She didn’t tell us why. More gratuitous violence, most likely. Cut scene to the Church. It’s dark outside and the whole population of Creepy Hollow is flooding in. Ichabod and Eugene are approaching when all of a sudden, out of the woods and down the street, rides none other than the Horseman. Why? Because we need somebody to induce the gratuitous violence. EUGENE: Holy crap! ICHABOD: Eugene, watch your mouth! They run like hell into the Church. Inside, everybody is panicking. ICHABOD: Don’t panic! Everyone stops, looks at him, and then goes back to panicking. Ichabod looks out the window and notices that the Horseman is only riding around the perimeter of the fence and not trying to come in. ICHABOD: (shouting at the top of his lungs) HEY! Everyone stops and looks at him again. ICHABOD: The Horseman can’t come in! This is sacred ground; he can’t hurt us! Suddenly a sharp stick on a rope flies through the stained-glass window, impales Baltus Van Tassel, and drags him back through the window. KATRINA: (Obi-Wan Kenobi) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! A few people puke. The panic continues. The Horseman slices off Van Tassel’s head, flips off the congregation, and rides back to where he came from. (No, not Hell, the woods!) Cut scene to later that night at the Van Tassel home. Everyone has gone home; Eugene is sitting depressed on the front porch, Katrina is inside staring at the fire, and Ichabod has opted to get the hell out of town and go back to New York where they have conventional murderers who are at least courteous enough to die after being stabbed, impaled, and shot in the chest. Inside, Katrina’s stepmother who hasn’t even been mentioned up until now sneaks up behind her, knocks her unconscious with a baseball bat, and drags her off to the old windmill. Eugene notices and follows because all young boys in movies are too stupid to know that looking for trouble all too often leads to trouble. Cut scene to out on the edge of town. As Ichabod’s carriage approaches the gate, he furrows his eyebrows. ICHABOD: Wait a minute… If I go back to New York, my superiors will laugh at my story and then fire me! Never again! Driver, turn the carriage around! DRIVER: (heaves an irritated sigh, mocking) Where to, sir? ICHABOD: Umm… (pulls out script and flips through it) To the windmill! Cut scene to the windmill. Katrina is unconscious on the floor; her stepmother has built a fire and has a bunch of stuff, including the Horseman’s skull, sitting next to it. Katrina wakes up. KATRINA: What the--? Where am I? STEPMOTHER: The movie’s climax. (Smugly) And I did it! KATRINA: You? But why? STEPMOTHER: To get Van Garret’s money. When I was little, my father died and he threw my family out of our house and gave it to you, you little snot. KATRINA: So you killed Van Garret. And his money went to my father. So you killed my father. Why’d you kill all those other people? STEPMOTHER: (shrugs) I just didn’t like them very much. KATRINA: Oh. So now what are you going to do to me? STEPMOTHER: Your father’s will leaves everything to you. Katrina does some thinking. She, after a few seconds, puts two and two together. KATRINA: So you’re going to have to kill me? STEPMOTHER: Well, duh. KATRINA: (pounds the floor with her fist) at *#$! STEPMOTHER: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. KATRINA: How about I just give you the money? STEPMOTHER: You could… but that just wouldn’t be as much fun! KATRINA: (pounds the floor with her fist) at *#$! Eugene suddenly appears from behind a pile of bags of grain and starts to sneak up on Katrina’s stepmother. He’s about to grab her neck when the Headless Horseman bursts in the door. Eugene falls on his butt. KATRINA AND EUGENE: (in unison) Holy crap! HESSIAN: (stomps his foot) Stop saying that! Ichabod arrives and rushes in. The stepmother laughs and picks up the skull. HESSIAN: Hey, that’s mine! STEPMOTHER: Finders, keepers! HESSIAN: I’ll kick your ass! STEPMOTHER: Kick theirs, and I’ll give it back. HESSIAN: Fine. (Under his figurative breath) Bitch… The Horseman goes after the good-guy trio. They make for a ladder and climb up the windmill, which somewhere along the way catches on fire. Ichabod kicks the Horseman down, they climb out the top, ride down on the umm… whatchamacallem… those spinning twirly things, and run for the road. They turn around after reaching the carriage and watch the windmill explodes. EUGENE: Is he dead yet? ICHABOD: That’s the problem; he was dead to begin with. HESSIAN: (kicks some rubble out of the way and walks out the door) Well NOW you get it! How long does it take you people to realize these things?! Am I the only person in this film with an IQ higher than room temperature?! (Screaming) It takes me being shot, stabbed, run through with farm tools, and burnt to a crisp for you to realize that I’m ALREADY DEAD! (Stomps his feet) ARRRRGGHHH! EVERYONE ELSE: Whoa. KATRINA: Chill out. HESSIAN: (hysterical) I WILL NOT "CHILL OUT!" THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE THIS ENTIRE FILM WITH YOUR LEVEL OF IGNORANCE AND I HAVE TO WORK MY ASS OFF TO KILL PEOPLE I DON’T EVEN DISLIKE IS THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD! THIS SUCKS, OKAY? IT SUCKS! I HATE MY JOB, I HATE LIVING IN HELL, I HATE HAVING TO LISTEN TO THAT STUPID BITCH IN ORDER TO GET MY HEAD BACK, AND MOST OF ALL I HATE YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! NOT BECAUSE I WANT MY HEAD BACK, BUT BECAUSE IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT RUIN PERFECTLY GOOD MOVIES! The Horseman draws his lightsaber and charges down the hill, screaming like a maniac. It takes the three protagonists a few seconds to recover from the shock induced by the Horseman’s little nervous breakdown, but then they hop into the carriage and charge off. The Hessian jumps onto his horse and charges after them. They race into the woods, and the Horseman catches up within a minute. They look around the back, and the Hessian’s horse is there, but the Horseman isn’t on it. Ichabod looks up just in time to duck under his sword. He jumps onto the top of the wagon and they fight a bit before they both fall off the back. Ichabod lands on the horse and the Horseman lands on the ground. HESSIAN: Ow, at *#$! He grabs onto the carriage axle, and Ichabod falls off the horse just as it goes by, right onto the Horseman. HESSIAN: Ow, you $* at #!), get the #*( at #&! off of me! Ichabod climbs back onto the top and the Horseman grabs onto his horse and climbs back up onto it. HESSIAN: (brushes the dust off his outfit) Dammit, I’m all dirty and bruised, you jerk! (To himself) This is exactly the sort of thing they never prepare you for as a child…. The Horseman finishes and jumps back onto the top of the carriage. ICHABOD: Umm… Prepare to be vanquished, foul demon! HESSIAN: You’ve never done this sort of thing before, have you? ICHABOD: No, why? HESSIAN: 'Cause you suck at intimidation. They fight a little bit more before Katrina loses control of the horses. Utilizing something we like to call a "plot device," Katrina, Ichabod, and Eugene hop onto the horses and disconnect the carriage just in time for the Horseman to be left to go flying off the road with it. The carriage crashes to a halt; the Horseman lands on his back in a pile of leaves about ten yards away. HESSIAN: (groans) I hate my life. Cut scene to the Tree-of-the-Dead-clearing. The three goody-two-shoes protagonists ride in and stop. They hop off their horses. EUGENE: Why’d we come here, anyway? ICHABOD: Seemed like a good idea at the time. KATRINA: Umm… Suddenly the stepmother appears. STEPMOTHER: Still not dead? What’s that Horseman been doing all this time? ICHABOD: Give me that head! STEPMOTHER: It’s mine! Ichabod throws a rock at her and she drops the skull; it goes rolling across the ground. Ichabod runs after it but is tackled by the stepmother. They get in a fight, trying to be the first one to crawl to the skull. While they’re engaged in battle, the Horseman arrives and puts his head back on. He and the director jump on a horse and ride into the figurative sunset. The rest of the cast goes out for pizza. Ichabod and Mrs. Van Tassel continue beat each other into a bloody pulp, not noticing the credits starting and the people leaving the theatre. Oh, well. Credits Written and directed by Darth Maligna, Ray Park groupie extraordinaire Cast Ichabod Crane – Edward Scissorhands Katrina Van Tassel – that girl from Casper Eugene Masbath – Haley Joel Osment The Headless Horseman – Did I not make enough references in the actual story? Dr. Sidious – Emperor Palpatine Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film – Adam Sandler Catering provided by Whatever could be found in the fridge Color by Technicallycolor Soundtrack provided by That guy who wrote the music for Men In Black Special effects by A pair of scissors, a bottle of Elmers™ glue, and a box of crayons Special thanks to Tim Burton for such a wonderful and parody-able film George Lucas for such a wonderful and reference-able character Ray Park for just being so wonderful Bryan Singer for… well, nothing in direct link to this story, but thanks anyway Whoever that guy was who wrote the original story… Microsoft and AOL for allowing me to type and post this… the bastards Toby Aurora for umm… well… umm… just thanks My readers for well… reading Moby for providing "Southside" which I listened to about a billion times while writing No special thanks to The people who didn’t like this story (J/K) Pop "musicians" for brainwashing our youth and just flat out sucking (That means you, Britney Spears) ©2000 D.M. 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