The Secret Diaries


A Thousand Kisses


The Secret Diary of Dorian Red Gloria

Day One

Went to National Gallery. Lovely Cupid. Reminded me of contents of my mirror.

Teenage girl was ogling Cupid too. Tried to look innocent. Hah.

Ogled me too. Eek.

Day Three

Christmas Eve. Went to party given by woman approximate size and shape of sofa, upholstered in red and yellow floral print. Good God.

Finally met ravishing genius about whom so much is said. Caesar Gabriel. Yow.

Told him I think we have same tastes. He thought I meant in art. Would like to give him a clue.

Vermeer owned by floral sofa a fake. Will steal it anyway; boy in picture my type. Told stingy-bug, "My goal is to obtain art and beauty. The money I get in exchange for paintings is only an extra." Stingy-bug ordered everyone to applaud. Possibly sarcastic?

Day Seventeen

Tried to rip off Tate Gallery, despite stingy-bug's opinion that presence of moi not required. Wants all fun for himself.

Caesar & friends tried to catch me. How cute!

Interpol nut Tarao Bannai showed up disguised as one-eyed cabbie and chased Caesar. Don't like ugly man dominating the scene. 'S unpleasant. Snatched Caesar while he was fleeing Interpol nut and snuggled him.

Boy v. ungrateful for being saved from ugly man. Called me indecent for not wearing shirt under my fur coat. Offered to let him join me inside said coat. Boy fainted. Possibly narcoleptic?

Stingy-bug cried when said was serious about getting Caesar. So what else is new.

Day Twenty-Four

Boy's friends played silly trick. Made statue of Caesar and left it at Westminster Abbey. Statue v. nice, though unfortunately not nude. Told Abbey will steal it from them at midnight in three days.

Day Twenty-Seven

Abbey fell for it. All police there while I cleaned out British Museum. Go me!

By time police arrived at Museum, I was at Abbey. Snatched boy & statue. Definitely a good night. Had to sedate boy, though.

When boy came to, exclaimed, "Oh, my god! I've fallen prey to a man's lust!" Wasn't soothed when I explained, "Not yet."

Would think boy would feel lucky having stud like me for first time, but no. Total hysterics. The things I live with.

When stingy-bug told me boy's friends were there, said, "Kill them." Airhead boy thought I meant it. On plus side, offered on his knees to do anything if I spared them. On minus side, passed out when I attempted to take him up on offer. Life is so difficult.

Stingy-bug held little blonde girl at gunpoint to prove is more than an accountant. As if. Gave him 600 pages of figures to straighten him out. Returned most recent loot. Can always steal it again later.



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