The Secret Diaries


Achilles' Last Stand



The Secret Diary of Dorian Red Gloria

The Secret Diary of Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach

Day One

James complimented my perfume, told me was getting keen on scents. Urf.

Stingy-bug complained re my extravagance. Told him it was his duty to find stuff for me to steal to pay for it.

Am going to steal statue of Achilles. 'S my right to possess all beauty in world.

Flirted with Jamesie. He fell for it. Again.

Idiot J lost microfilm. Left it in a fucking Oxford museum. On Achilles statue. Under his skirt -- I mean chiton! In the front.

Made fun of my ignorance of art, too.

Hope J enjoys Alaska.

Pot-bellied Chief sent me... Iron Klaus... to grope under Achilles' skirt. Don't have any inclination whatsoever to flip a man's skirt! I pity the fool who thinks I do!

All the Greeks' fault for wearing indecent clothing. Men should never expose their thighs.

Day Two

Headed for London.

Wonder if Caesar's gotten any manlier after being disciplined by Major Eberbach. Spent flight happily speculating.

Said that Major Eberbach is my complete opposite. A real hard-core straight. Jamesie started to make easy pun on "hard-core". Put a stop to it; jealous man v. unaesthetic. Told him he's most wonderful when calculating.


Day Three

Bunch of drably dressed men thoughtfully stopped truck carrying Achilles. Used Zeppelin to snatch statue. Drably dressed men wasted lots of bullets on us. Reminds me of someone else I know... but an art moron like him wouldn't have anything to do with Achilles.

Jamesie insisted air travel too expensive for Achilles. Would have insisted, but he proposed cruise ship called Michaelangelo. Suitable.

Dropped by Caesar's place. James followed me like Mary's effing lamb.

Caesar no manlier, but v. pretty. Smooched him in his sleep. Apparently Caesar hasn't read "Sleeping Beauty".

Thought about taking him with me, though James insisted he'd die if I did, but sinister black Benz pulled up. Left.

James insisted that thieves wanted by the law aren't supposed to make dainty love scenes. Can't I have any fun around here?

Stopped truck transporting perverted statue. Must grope under statue's skirt. My poor ancestors.

Black zeppelin snatched statue right out of my grasp! Son-of-a-bitch Eroica showed up again and interfered while I was -- godfuckingdammit! Picking a fight with me again! Impudent man told me bullshit about beauty, blah blah blah, and then stole my TANK. Now interferes with my mission AGAIN!

Idiot subordinates ooh'ed and ahh'ed over how professional that bloody frigging queer is.

Figured bloody queer would stop by sniveling brat's house, so drove there and broke in. Caesar Gabriel much happier than young man alone in bed should be. V. shameful. Told him to go outside and run around the house.

Brat had dream about Eroica. "Realistic kiss", indeed. Humph. Something about spring in Portugal.

Told him Eroica stole my skirt. Will treasure the memory of brat's stunned expression. And of him running around the house.

Told alphabets to find Eroica in Portugal. Informed me that Portugal is a big country.

Explained to them that I know how big Portugal is. Idiots.

Told them to find him, or….

Am rather proud of how fast my subordinates can run.

One subordinate asked what to do with brat. Said, "Give him a hug and sing him a lullaby." Love it when subordinates can't tell if I'm joking or not.

Day Four

Stole nice painting from Toledo church. Got away. Go me!

Nice surprise waiting for me in my Lisbon manor: hunky German with gun. Has lousy taste in wine. Can't endure "flashy" red shirts, but likes the green Mosel bottle. Military types. Go figure.

Offered to swear on Bible Achilles wasn't in house. Major said don't, would be creepy. Catholic school never wears off.

My Achilles in trouble because of overdressed bulimic baroness! Badly dressed seajackers took her hostage!

Wonder why seajackers didn't take cute boy hostage. Would be more enjoyable. Then again, would be too enjoyable; both sides would forget original idea.

Offered to unite with Major to recue Achilles. Major went into snit, tromped out. 'S wonderful. Whatever he does is always v. v. like him.

Showed Eroica's team photo of him, asked where he was. They said he was in Monaco, waited five minutes precisely, then walked off, humming. V. pathetic. Earl has incompetent subordinates too. Can't help but sympathize. Followed them to his home.

Waited for Earl in his decadent Lisbon manor. Watched news while waiting; idiots causing problems out there. So what else is new.

Eroica wearing another red shirt. Still flashy. Humph.

Smiled like a fucking toothpaste commercial. Not fazed by gun pointed at him. Idiot.

Offered me pink Portuguese wine. Give me Mosel's Wehlener Sonnenuhr any day. Tastes lousy, but is German. Nice color bottle, anyhow.

Foppish idiot went and put Achilles on seajacked cruiser! Fucking queer did it on purpose to get in my way! Stupid cruiser got hijacked because of bourgeois bitch!

Curly-haired bugger had gall to offer to help me! As if his frivolous recreation could compare to my vital mission! Will never cooperate with HIM!

Day Seven

Bourgeois bitch's husband and government reluctant to pay seajackers. Can't blame them, but must rescue Achilles!

Might as well rescue baroness while at it.

Machine maniac brought submarine to show off.

Eroica has a submarine too. Damn it.

Probably a dumped second-hand leftover that he stole. Told alphabets to shoot missile at it. They protested that we aren't at war. Details.

Must get Achilles. Alphabets seem to think we should rescue baroness. Cannot follow their reasoning.

Day Eight

Operation started at midnight!

While was rappelling up side of cruiser, noticed white thing making lots of noise. Probably baroness. James said don't rescue her. Yours truly decided, what the heck, respect human life.

Soggy-skinned baroness all over me. Eek. Felt like convict ascending thirteen stairs to death.

Bonham offered to catch her for me. Dropped her. Bonham changed mind halfway through. Team set obstacle — er, baroness — adrift.

Punched two seajackers out in freight room. Go me! Will defend statues everywhere!

Third seajacker sneaked up behind me, bonked me on head. More showed up, started knocking me around. Tried to explain to them I'm a dom, not a sub.

Badly dressed seajackers had effrontery to call me a colleague. The gall of some people.

Seajackers' brilliant plan: hold me for ransom. Seajackers do not know James.

Major showed up and beat stuffing out of all five seajackers! Without even losing his cigarette! Quite… impressive.

Let me lean on him to walk outside. V. sweet.

Major actually quite handsome.

Told him so. Major said it gave him goosebumps. Asked what if a woman said it. Said it gave him creeps.

Maybe Major isn't such a hard-core straight after all.

Told him I like the color of the Mosel bottle too. Same color as his eyes. Closet case had no comeback for that. V. cute.

Emerged to discover Achilles not on board! British Museum was inquiring of all transport facilities. Unsporting of them. Achilles in Louvre.

Achilles running away from Major. Smart statue.

Will get Achilles NO MATTER WHAT!

Operation started at 00:00!

Boarded cruiser. Idiot seajackers held curly-haired bugger for ransom. Seajackers do not know Mr. James.

Beat stuffing out of seajackers. Go me!

Just for exercise, of course. Wasn't rescuing Eroica or anything. He had nothing to do with it. At all.

Do foppish idiot good to get smacked around a little. Maybe he'll stay out of the way now.

Helped curly-haired bugger walk outside. Had no choice; fop about to fall over. Was my duty.

Frigging queer started giving me gooey looks, saying foppish things. Gave me goosebumps. Claimed to like color of Mosel bottle, then looked deeply into my eyes. Seem to recall my own eyes happen to be green. Must check next time I shave.

Alphabets discovered frigging Achilles statue not even on board! Idiot captain tried to thank me for rescuing ship. Put stop to that. Achilles left in FRANCE! FRANCE! AFTER ALL THAT!

I hate France.

Screwy blond taunted me because NATO didn't know British Museum had checked all transport facilities and found Achilles. Who the fuck cares what a museum does?!

Achilles resisting Eroica's pursuit. Smart statue.

Will flip frigging skirt NO MATTER WHAT!



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