The Secret Diary of Dorian Red Gloria
The Secret Diary of Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach
Told James have found new target. Achilles will be safe in Louvre. Saw something else in newspaper: gorgeous jade Buddha borrowed by Yanis Fercis, airhead shipping heir under impression that he is John Travolta.
Stingy-bug thought I was going after heir, not statue. Ick.
Stingy-bug quailed at causing international friction with Red China. Didn't want to work for free. Totally insensitive to grand historic drama.
Snuggled him. He fell for it. Again.
Called me a miser. As if.
Good news: Chief let me off hook of chasing Achilles' skirt.
Bad news: Chief assigned me to chase KGB Mata Hari.
Stingy-bug put worthless bugs that broke instantly into Fercis mansion. Explained to him in small words that gadgets that don't work are useless even if cheap.
Stingy-bug told me not to say gadget, claimed I sound like NATO machine maniac! Comparing me to that abnormal hard-core straight! That militarist terrorist! That paranoiac weapons-maniac sadist!
Hoped to learn where jade Buddha was without getting near Greek twerp, but no choice. The sacrifices I make.
Wore tunic-looking top with silk sash. Bonham called me "walking breathing foppishness". So sweet of him.
Found heir quoting Byron, forgetting in middle of quotation. Finished it for him. Flirted with his girlfriend too, God help me.
Asked if I could see jade Buddha. Spineless heir said executives put it away. Girlfriend pointed out he was the president and could command them to show it. Heir did his woman's bidding. Straight men.
Girlfriend must be up to something. Too sophisticated for shipping twerp. Well, not my problem.
Was forced to watch fucking soap opera of Mata Hari and Greek shipping prince. The things I do in line of duty. "Marriage transcending ideology" bullshit will put idiot shipping prince in Communist control.
Told B to watch B-rated soap opera for me. Insisted on telling me they were "really going at it". Told idiot to shut up.
Sent A to bug Fercis mansion. Some idiot already put cheap outdated bugs there. Who the hell? Couldn't be professional....
B spotted man emerging from ruins. Carried on about how good-looking he was. Humph. Asked B if he was queer.
Bugs paid off. Heard executives consulting. Told subordinates to turn it up. Idiots turned it all the way up. Morons.
Late shipping tycoon had illegitimate daughter, Daphne Fercis. Despicable. They need a heir who's not an airhead, so they're looking for her.
Sent to Bonn for G. Even transvestites have their uses.
Visited Fercis mansion. Monument to bad taste.
Buddha not there. Heir's girlfriend tried classic line: "Haven't we met somewhere before?" Should have asked her sign.
Told Mrs. future marine biz queen I know she's up to no good, but don't care. Lit cigarette, she jumped like I'd cocked a gun. Soviet spy! If Major knew, would fly here with tank on shoulders. Hee.
Mrs. future marine biz queen told me Iron Klaus dislikes foppish men like myself most of all. Who asked her?
Heir ran in having hysterics about his presidential position being endangered. No good art in mansion. V. tiresome.
James found out some spies took his old cheap bugs, put new ones in. He swiped new ones to sell. Good boy. Patted him.
Alleged "sister" of heir showed up to claim her half of shipping empire. So-called "sister" actually v. cute transvestite. Flirted a bit. James cried. As usual.
Left. That place full of weird people.
Mrs. future marine biz queen asked me for assignation. Whole cloak-and-dagger thing, hat & dark glasses. V. fun.
Spy lady offered me Buddha to seduce "sister". Thinks "sister" is a girl. Some spy.
Offered me job with KGB. Asked if she wanted me to seduce a prime minister or an Arab oil king. Her jaw hit floor. She didn't know I was gay. Hel-lo!
Pretended to accept deal. Won't let woman like her threaten cute transvestite! Chivalry is not dead!
Fercis execs said I look like FBI agent. Idiots.
Gave them transvestite with "Daphne Fercis" passport, birth certificate, social security card, rice ration book, etc.
Little queer blubbered all over me. Overactor. Will send him to Alaska after this mission. Chief can take flying leap.
Mata Hari already making airhead heir buy her jewelry. Bitch. Will watch her closely.
B tailed her. She met with "a handsome man," "VERY good-looking!", B said. Told him to get new adjectives. Idiot.
Some queer noticed G isn't a girl! That klutz!
Demanded description of queer. Told G to avoid overused expressions like "good-looking".
Idiot transvestite gave long detailed expression before telling me the Ero-bugger's god-fucking-damned NAME!!! Fool's fucking around near me again!
B saw him, didn't even recognize him! 'M surrounded by idiots!
Then they made fun of my drawing. Jerks.
Got date with transvestite. Tried to warn him about spy lady. Offered to take him to airport.
Let him have it with my 100,000-watt eyes. It was about to work when bad guys' car came, tried to push us off cliff.
Major showed up, doing the marksman thing. V. impressive. Sent bad guys' car over edge.
Unfortunately, sent my lovely Maserati over it too. Fortunately, sans yours truly and cute transvestite.
Major gazed over edge quite touchingly. Let him mourn for a minute before alerting him to continued existence of moi.
Looked at me like something bonked him on the head. A clue, perchance?
Told him, "I believe our paths have been crossed somewhere already. I think an entanglement of a wire rope and a rose vine is a rather sadistically wonderful combination." Response: "If you say any more of that frigging nonsense, I'll dump gasoline over you and burn the shit out of you!"
Some men really know how to kill a mood.
Offered me mercurochrome. Big of him.
Spy lady took off with MY Buddha! Will get it back. My honor at stake!
Major told me not to follow him, threw bottle of mercurochrome at me, screeched off. Should be glad it wasn't gasoline.
Joined team in hot pursuit of jade Buddha via zeppelin! Never mind the big obstacle... NATO-made wire rope....
Major there in carriage copter. Overkill as usual. Wonder how that would apply in other areas....
Snatched truck w/ Buddha. Go me!
Feeling v. satisfied. Will have to indulge James for a change.
Ero-bugger took G for drive in flashy car. Goddam show-off.
A said we should have bugged G. Pointed out then we'd be forced to listen to queer talk.
First had to chase a sniveling brat, then a statue's skirt, then a woman, now a queer. My career is dead.
Eroica's pet Scrooge followed us in patched car. Gut Gott.
Fucking Commies tried to push Earl's car off cliff! Leaned out car window, ignoring idiot worries of subordinates. Do they think I'm doing this 'cause I wanted a safe job?
Shot at Commies. Their car went off edge. Go me!
Earl's car went over edge too. Stupid flashy car fell off cliff... hit the water... sank.
I thought... I really thought... Damned idiot....
Curly-haired bugger alive. Jumped out of car in time.
Idiot surprised I would employ a transvestite. Told him, "I'll do anything for my mission."
Some people can't take hints.
Told him to shut up and steal frigging Buddha. Idiot cooed bunch of foppish bullshit. Offered to dump gasoline over him & light match.
Mata Hari escaped. Took Buddha with her. Verdammt.
Told thief to stay away. Some idiots too dumb to respond to threats. Decorated him with mercurochrome, as it's his favorite color. Set off after Mata Hari.
Soviet spy stealing art treasure from Red China. Commies are robbing each other now. Morons.
Followed her in carriage copter. A said they gave it to him 'cause I was the one taking it. They think I'm a freight truck?
Bugger showed up in an effin' red zeppelin. Just like him.
Snatched truck with statue. Go me!
In v. good mood. Won't send anybody to Alaska today.
The Secret Diaries