Eroica: The Badfic

by Kadorienne

"Sex sounds so boring," Klaus von dem Eberbach thought as he walked down the street. "I have never had any interest in it. With anyone. Male or female. And I feel only hatred for that pervert Eroica. He's an idiot — Ow!"

He looked up at a nearby tree, rubbing his head.

"What the hell was that?"

"A clue," answered a tiny elf who was sitting on a branch of the tree.

"Who the hell are you?"

"The name's Machina. Deus X. Machina," the elf replied.

"Hm," Klaus said. He couldn't be bothered to figure out what elves were doing existing right now; he had important things to do. He turned on his heel and tromped back to the hotel where he, his alphabets, and that perverted thief were all staying on this mission. He tromped to Eroica's door and pounded on it.

"Hello, Dorian," he said as soon as Dorian opened the door. Without preamble, he grabbed the thief and started massaging Dorian's tonsils with his tongue.

"But darling," Dorian protested when they had to come up for air, "don't you think we should discuss this?"

"Of course," Klaus said. They then sat down to have a very long, detailed conversation about Their Relationship. They both acted extremely enlightened and understanding. They discussed every possible permutation in minute detail. Have you ever seen the movie But I'm A Cheerleader? Do you remember Lloyd and Larry Morgan-Gordon and the well-adjusted relationship conversation they were always having? Like they always sounded like they had just come from the marriage counselor's? It was kind of like that. Only longer. Way way longer.

"I've known for years that I was in love with you, Liebling," Klaus said. "And that I wanted to fuck you six ways from sundown."

"But your internal monologue at the beginning of the story clearly showed that you were completely unaware of any such feeling towards me, Darling," Dorian protested.

"Let's not allow the past to stand in the way of our future happiness, Liebling," Klaus chided gently. "The author would end up having to retype."

After about ten pages, they decided that they understood each other perfectly and it was time to fuck like crazed weasels. So they did. Before the night was over, they had committed every act possible between two men, and in every imaginable configuration. They didn't see any reason to save anything for tomorrow. Also, they had both had oysters for lunch, so they were able to achieve erection and orgasm about twenty times in a single night. During the pillow talk, Klaus effortlessly shook off decades of severe repression and made lots of clever sexual double entendres.

The End. And not a minute too soon.