Category: Humor

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Dorian/Klaus

Notes: Song lyrics are indented. Lines typed side by side are sung simultaneously. This is the original version as it appeared in the Companions in Chaos #2 fanzine.

Summary: An Eroica Musical

By: Kat Benedict

Illustrations by: †Kat Benedict

Written: 1995

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

T h e†† F a m i l y†† J e w e l s
♪† ©♫† t† ♪† ©♫† ©♪† t† ♫† ©
 
A MUSICAL FANTASIA
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS OF
FROM EROICA WITH LOVE
 
CAST:
 
Klaus von Eberbach
Dorian Red Gloria / Eroica
The Ace of Diamonds, a thief
Herr Schwartz, the Eberbach family lawyer
Miscellaneous agents, butler, police, etc
 
♪† ©♫† ©
 
Scene I 
Eroica †. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Klaus, agents, Herr Schwartz
 
Scene II 
South Sea Wind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Chorus, Dorian
 
Scene III†††††††††††††††††††††††††† 
Oh My Darling Eberbach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Dorian
You Don't Believe How Much I Love You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Dorian, Klaus
 
Scene IV 
At the Flicker of a Blade . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Chorus
To Catch a Thief/A Manís Gun is his Pride . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Klaus, Dorian
Partners . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .† Dorian, Klaus
 
Scene V 
All Alone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dorian, Ace of Diamonds
 
Scene VI
A Man Who Says "Nein" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .† Dorian, Ace of Diamonds, Klaus
What Should We Do With the Thief? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Ace of Diamonds/Dorian
 
Scene VII††††††††† 
All Alone (reprise) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Klaus
Oh My Darling Little Klaus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Dorian, Police, Klaus 
 
Scene VIII
He Thinks of Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . †Klaus

T h e† †F a m i l y ††J e w e l s
 
 

Scene I
Klaus' office, morning
Klaus is standing at his desk. His agents have assembled for a meeting.
 
Klaus:
First of all, I want to welcome agents A, B and C back from Alaska. I trust we will not be having any more problems?
 
Agents A, B and C:† Yes sir Ė we mean No, sir!.† 
 
Klaus:
Gut. You will be joining agent G in Paris tonight.
 
Agents A, B and C:
Paris! Oh, joy! Goody! (etc.)
 
Klaus:
You will be assisting him in Operation Desert Peach. Need I remind you this is a delicate operation? 
 
Agents A, B and C:
No sir, Major! Delicate! Yes!
 
Klaus:
Very good. You will meet with G at a location known as ďThe Cedars.Ē
††††† (there is a knock at the door)
Ja! Enter!
††††† (enter Herr Schwartz carrying a box)
Herr Schwartz? What are you doing here? What do you have there?
 
Herr Schwartz:
Um, Major Ö itís about the inheritance from your great Aunt Hildgarde.
 
Klaus:
Ah, yes. The von Eberbach family jewels. Is that them?
 
Herr Schwartz:
Well, sir, it is except...
 
††††† (Klaus grabs the box from Herr Schwartz)
 
Klaus:
Letís have a look.
 
Herr Schwartz:
Hereís something I have to tell youó
 
††††† (Klaus opens the box)
 
Klaus:
What? (He withdraws a playing card form the box) Is this a joke?! Where are the jewels?
 
Herr Schwartz:
Thatís why I came, Major. When I received the box from the estate, this was all that was inside. Would your great aunt have done it as a joke perhaps?
 
††††† (Klaus give him a withering glare)
 
Klaus:
We Eberbachs do not joke. (examines card)The Ace of Diamonds, hmm? (he crumples it in his fist) Or is it the Prince of Thieves?
 
Agent B:
Now donít jump to conclusions, Major!
 
Klaus: 
Madman! Lunatic!
Does he take me for a moron?
That Prince of Thieves
That King of Fools
To think of him
Ach! It makes my blood boil
His sticky little fingers around my family jewels
Heís dead
Iíll break him yet, I swear it
Iíll break him like he breaks the rules
 
Agents and Herr Schwartz:
††††† Dorian Red Gloria
††††† AKA Ė Eroica!
 
All:
††††† This time, heís gone too far!
 
Klaus:
Achtung! Achtung!
I want this madman found
Bring him back to me und schnell
I will not play around
You best prepare
To take it like a man
For as they say, ďin for a pence, in for a pound.Ē
 
Agents:
††††† And heís certainly in for a pounding
††††† Eberbachís going to give him a sounding off!
 
Klaus: 
††††† Heís off his rocker
 
Agent A:
††††† What a shocker
 
All:
Eroica
Youíve finally done the big one
He/I canít forgive: youíve hit too close to home
Eroica
Whatever were you thinking
Is this some set up?
 
Agents:
††††† If you steal it, he will come
 
Klaus:
Iíll go
It is between myself and he
Iíll catch him on my own
 
Agents: 
††††† Eroica, Eroica
 
Klaus:
††††† His death is mine and mine alone!
 
 
 
Scene II
A luxury cruise ship.
Dorian basks in the sunshine while sexy Jamaican men attend his every need.
 
First Jamaican Stud:
Softer dan de island sand
brighter dan de tropical sun
Sweeter dan de breezes on the emerald sea
Is me pretty Dorian

Oh sing-a
Blue, blue skies
Not bluer dan he eyes
Oh a South Sea wind
Not warmer dan he skin

Blue, blue skies
Not bluer dan he eyes
Like a South Sea wind
Is me pretty Dorian
 
Second Jamaican Stud:
He hair as yellow as ripe banana
He skin as white as coconut
He got a smile brigher dan de sun
And like de moon, he fabulous butt
 
Both Studs:
Oh sing-a
Blue, blue skies
Not bluer dan he eyes
Oh a South Sea wind
Not warmer dan he skin
Dorian
Blue, blue skies
Not bluer dan he eyes
like a South Sea wind
Is he pretty Dorian
 
Girl 1:
††††† He looks good enough to eat
 
Girl 2:
††††† I for one wouldnít mind a taste
 
Girl 3:
††††† But he likes other pretty, pretty men
 
All three girls:
††††† Aww, what a waste
 
All: (Except Dorian)
Oh sing-a
Blue, blue skies
Not bluer dan he eyes
Oh a South Sea wind
Not warmer dan he skin
Dorian
Blue, blue skies
Not bluer dan he eyes
like a South Sea wind
Is he pretty Dorian
 
††††† (All chorus ďfreezeĒ with attentions directed at Dorian. A steward comes out and hands the courtesy phone to Dorian.)
 
Steward:
Pardon me, Mílord. Thereís a call for you.
 
Dorian:
Oh? (picks up receiver) Yes? James! What is it? Oh? He did? He is? Me? Well, Iíll just have to set the silly boy straight, wonít I? Good-bye. (hangs up)
 
Dorian:
††††† He needs me!
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† 
††††† Like the emerald sea †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Chorus
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Blue blue skies
††††† His eyes are fabulous green
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Not bluer dan he eyes
††††† Oh to see him again
††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Oh a South Sea wind
††††† He needs me
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Not warmer dan he skin
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Dorian!
 
All:
††††† La la la la Ė (etc., to fade as scene ends)
 
 
 
Scene III
Schloss Eberbach. Klaus paces in his study.
 
Klaus:
I will find him; when I do
His days of thieving will be through
 
††††† (Enter the Butler)
 
Butler:
Master, thereís someone here to see you.
 
††††† (Enter Dorian)
 
Dorian:
Oh, my darling Eberbach
Major Klaus von Eberbach
How I love you Eberbach, my own
You drive me mad, von Eberbach
Iím so sad, von Eberbach
Iím not bad, von Eberbach
I just love you and you alone

Iím your dear Eroica
Ever near Eroica
Always here Eroica for you
Never doubt Eroica
Just call out ďEroicaĒ
For his Kraut Eroica always comes through

In the closets of your mind
If you look Iím sure youíll find
That true happiness is here
In the love you fear
And Iím sure youíll realize
When you look into my eyes
What we both have always known
You love me too

La la lala la la laÖ
(etc. Dorian has Klaus backed into a corner with his provocative dance)

Take me, Iím yours von Eberbach
Mi amore von Eberbach
Make love, not war, von Eberbach, with me
Take my hand von Eberbach
Make a stand, von Eberbach, try and youíll see
 
Klaus:
You have your balls, coming in here after the stunt you pulled!
 
Dorian:
But I didnít do it, Major. James called me and told me everything. Poor thing. But donít fret. I shall get your jewels back for you or I am not the Price of Thieves.
 
Klaus:
How about the Ace of Diamonds?
 
Dorian:
Ace of Diamonds? What are you on about?
 
††††† (Klaus shows him the crumpled card)
 
Klaus:
This was left in the empty box. Are you saying you did not leave it?
 
Dorian:
First of all, my calling card is not so ambiguous. I take pride in my work and like to leave my signature. 
Secondly, I am the Ace of Hearts, darling, and the only family jewels you could possibly interest me inó
 
Klaus:
Shut up! Donít start that!
 
Dorian:
As you command, Major. Where did the jewels come from?
 
Klaus:
Originally?
 
Dorian:
Iím sure thatís a fascinating story, but no, darling. I mean, from whence did you receive them? Mr. James said something about an inheritance?
 
Klaus:
From my great auntís London estate ó and donít call me ďdarling!Ē
 
Dorian:
Sorry. And how were they delivered?
 
Klaus:
Our family retainer, Herr Schwartz went himself to fetch them. I have already thoroughly examined that possibility.
 
Dorian:
Poor fellow. Wrong him out, did you? Well, I say we should begin our search in London.
 
Klaus:
ďOurĒ search? Nein. You are to stay the hell away from me and my jewels!!
 
Dorian:
You would pass up the assistance of a master thief? Donít be paranoid. I want to help.
 
Klaus:
I do not think so, Herr Dieb. You are generally more of a distraction than an asset. Why should you want to help anyway. I know. 
You want to steal our family treasure yourself!
 
Dorian:
Not at all! I want to help you because I care for you. Thereís nothing in it for me.
 
Klaus:
I know. Thatís why I donít trust you. Go away and do not talk about caring for me. It makes me sick!
 
††††† (Exit Klaus)
 
Dorian:
Oh, MajorÖ
 
You donít believe how much I love you
How can I prove to you what I canít explain?
Itís not by choice
I had no voice in this madness

You donít believe how pure my love is
You try and find some way to turn it around
Inside my heart
I felt the start of the saddest sort of love Iíve ever known

Youíve got to believe that I would never want to hurt you
If I would have known, I would have kept it all inside
But I still believe someday my love is going to touch you
And I couldnít deny this feeling if I had tried

You donít believe how much I love you
To tell the truth, I canít believe it myself
Iím not the kind
To lose my mind so completely

Who would have thought that I could change so?
Iím not the errant youth I was when we met
You helped me grow
And you donít know how bittersweetly grows this passion for you
And so this thief
Will make believe somehow, someday, youíll believe him too.
 
††††† (Klaus reenters)
 
Klaus:
I just received word from London. It seems your little friend has plundered other inheritances before they reached the proper hands.
 
Dorian:
My friend? Excuse me? I have no idea who this Ace of Diamonds character is unless some acquaintance of mine has changed his or her moniker.
 
Klaus:
Well, that may very well be the case. Therefore you will be assisting me in London only because I think you do indeed have connections to this crime.
 
Dorian:
Guilt by association or something? Very well. Believe what you will. I will find your jewels and exonerate myself.
 
Klaus:
You do that, thief, if you can. Now get out of here. I will meet you in London.
 
Dorian:
Yes, Major! See you then!
 
††††† (Exit Dorian)
 
Klaus:
I donít believe how much I need him
His expertise, his conning deviant ways
I wish that I
could just get by without him

I hate to say, I kind of like him
And thereís the rub, I cannot let him too close
It would be wrong
To lead him on

I donít believe Iíll ever love him
How can I dare disgrace the Eberbach name?
I have no choice
I have no voice in this madness

He just doesnít love me anyway
Itís only lust, itís mere desire
Inside his heart
Itís just a spark of a lesser fire

And yet, I donít believe how much I need him
 
 
 
Scene IV
London, a pier at night. All sorts of riffraff, thieves,
Murderers, whores and smugglers fill the scene.
 
Chorus:
Mean streets, itís a dangerous world
Midnight on the pier
Bad boys and dangerous girls
Gather in the shadows here

Dirty streets and back alleyways
Come into the lionís den
One false step and youíre missiní for days
Or youíre never seen again

Your fate can change
At the flicker of a blade
In the glimmer of a murderous eye
Your final rest
In the oceanís briny breast
At the flicker of a blade
You could die
 
Thug:
A master of the Black Art am I
It is not the glamorous life
Me sonís a spiv, my daughter is a yegg
Would you care to meet the charminí wife
(holds up a knife)
 
Chorus:
Hungry streets full of desperate blokes
Scarperiní like alley cats
Waitiní for a piece of fresh meat
Tígobble up like hungry rats

Your fate can change
At the flicker of a blad
If youíve got the knack and skill
Your fortune made
At the flicker of a blade
At the flicker of a blade
You could kill
 
Hooker:
Civvie street, respectable life
We cater to the gentlemenís vice
On display
In a dirty alleyway
We sell it for a real fine price
 
Chorus 1:††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Chorus 2:
††††† Mean Streets, Itís a dangerous world†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† At a flicker of a blade
††††† Midnight on the pier
 
††††† Bad boys and dangerous girls††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† At a flicker of a blade
††††† Gather in the shadows
 
All:
At the flicker of a blade
At the flicker of a blade
You can kill
 
††††† (Enter Klaus and Dorian)
 
Klaus:
Nice place youíve got here. You armed?
 
Dorian:
No. I hadnít anticipated needing to by. Why?
 
Klaus:
Are you mad? Look at the area we are in! Youíve got to be careful. What would you do if someone held a gun to you?
 
Dorian:
Iíd stand back and let you handle it. But I doubt anyone could pull out a gun before you shot them dead. Youíre very good, you know.
 
Klaus:
But I canít always be here to take car of yó Uh, you really ought to learn how to use a gun.
 
Dorian:
I have instead spent my time learning how not to be a target in the first place.
 
To catch a thief
You must think like a thief
And whoís better at that than I?
When on the streets
You live by your wits
You learn to be clever or die
 
Klaus:
To catch a thief
You must think like a thief
Concerning that point you are right
But you also should have
Some muscle and power
A weapon or two at your side

Now youíve got your dagger and knife
And perhaps you could safeguard your life
But a real man needs Iron and steel
For thereís nothing on Earth like the feel
Of a gun

A manís gun is his pride
Sheíll be there by his side
Close to his heart
Never apart
More faithful than a bride
 
Dorian:
Do you sleep with it too?
 
Klaus:
A manís gun is his friend
Itíll be there in the end
And night or day
Will point the way
A gun on which to depend
 
Dorian:
You know, Iíve heard that the size of a manís gun is proportionate to the side of his Ö Oh, my God!
 
††††† (Klaus unholsters his enormous firearm)
 
Klaus:
††††† Give it respect, this is not a joke†††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Klaus shows Dorian the way to hold the
††††† Always rememberórelax and donít choke†††††††††† gun. Dorian strokes the barrel in wonder)
††††† A rod of pure fire, thunder and smoke
 
††††† A manís gun is his strength††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† (Klaus stands behind Dorian, his arms
††††† Its size, Its power, Its length†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† around him to help him aim the gun.
††††† With it in hand†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Dorian, understandably, is becoming
††††† Youíre in command†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† aroused)
††††† A manís gun is his strength
 
Now hold it steady Ö aim it Ö Ready Ö
 
††††† (Dorian gives an orgasmic cry, licks the barrel of the gun, and collapses in a happy swoon)
 
Klaus:
Ach! You disgusting pervert! (picks up gun gingerly) Now Iíll have to disinfect it!
 
††††† (Klaus starts to storm off. Dorian leaps to his feet)
 
Dorian:
Hang about! Iím all right. Just got carried away Ďs all. Really, Iíll never look at firearms in quite the same light again.
 
Klaus:
Stop talking about it. Just go away! I will find Ace of Diamonds myself. I must have been insane to agree to collude with you.
 
Dorian:
You are insane, youíll get no argument. But you wonít get far without me. 
This is my homeground. These are my people. 
You need me and I want to help you. God knows why, you ingrate. 
Youíd go blasting your way into every situation if you could. 
Sometimes one needs to use a little delicacy. A little finesse.
 
Klaus:
And sometimes one needs a show of power. My ďblasting awayĒ has saved your fancy ass more times than I can remember.
 
Dorian:
Do you often remember my fancy ass?
 
Klaus:
How would you like to cool off in the Thames?
 
Dorian:
No thanks. Listen, bandying about on a pier is not going t help us find the Ace of Diamonds.
 
Klaus:
Youíre right. So go away.
 
Dorian:
Nein.
 
††††† (they glare at each other in a long, intense stare-off)
 
Dorian:
Can I hold your gun again?
 
Klaus:
Idiot!
 
††††† (Klaus takes a swing at Dorian, who deftly leaps back out of the way. 
Dorian is now standing on the dock that runs alongside the boat nearest them)
 
Dorian:
Major! Come here!
 
Klaus:
I donít think so. What do you want?
 
Dorian:
Quit being an ass! Get over here!
 
††††† (Klaus comes around to the dock. Stage rotates to reveal the side of the boat)
 
Klaus:
The Ace of Diamonds!
 
Dorian:
I was wrong ó bandying about did help!
 
Klaus:
The Ace of Diamonds is a boat?
 
Dorian:
Seems so, Citizen Klaus. Now what?
 
Klaus:
Now seems a good time to go blasting away!
 
Dorian:
Absolutely not! We should set up a stake-out and see with whom we are dealing.
 
Klaus:
We are dealing with dead people. That is all you need to know.
 
Dorian:
At least let me case the area before you go in there with guns blazing.
 
Klaus:
Why you? I am much more experienced with surveillance. Likely youíll see something you want and turn this into your own private thieving spree.
 
Dorian:
(aside) Itís not his skills I doubt, itís his temper. One look at
some bloke handling his family jewels and the Major will go off his dot. 
I canít leave him to do it by himself, but he absolutely refuses to let me help.
 
Klaus:
(aside) I cannot do a thing with him here. But how to get him to go away? This is between the Ace of Diamonds and myself.
 
Dorian:
(aside) If I could just get him to go back to his hotel, I could case the boat tonight!
 
Klaus:
(aside) Tonight is all I need. If I can get rid of Eroica just for tonightÖ
 
Dorian:
Tonight
Thereís nothing to be done tonight
Letís wait until the morning light
Before we make our move

Klaus:
Youíre right
Itís pointless to begin a fight
When the prey is not in sight
So letís call it a day
 
Dorian:
Okay
And tomorrow we meet
But tonight we sleep
Til then, my love, itíll keep
 
Klaus:
††††† Agreed.
 
Dorian:
††††† Partners?
 
Klaus:
††††† Agreed.
 
††††† (They shake on it)
 
Dorian:
Weíre a bit like Sherlock Holmes and his man Watson
Weíre a perfect team, an exceptional pair
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Robin Hood and Little John
Samson and his hair

Like yin and yang, an inseparable set
It was destiny the day you and I met

Weíll make it all right tomorrow
Who stands a chance when two pros conspire?
A brilliant spy
The Prince of Thieves
Weíll set the
Thames on fire

Weíre opposites like night and day
But we make the perfect team
Like earth and sky
You and I
Like fire and water make steam
 
Klaus:
Partners in justice, verbŁndete
Our differences weíll put aside for now
Our mission won
By blade and gun
By roses and find German know-how

Dorian:
(aside)
He wants to go it alone
Heíd even shoot me if he saw me
Even when heís on his own
Heís like the whole German army!

(To Klaus)
Weíll make it all right tomorrow
When we reclaim the von Eberbach gems
And then weíll hook
That nasty crook
And set afire that bloody
Thames!
 
Klaus:
Iíve got a plan, Iíll tell you then
I do not want you to meddle
Just follow me
You will see
Youíve got to just grasp the nettle
 
Dorian:
Like Cisco and Pancho
Quixote and Sancho
Like Kall and Shiva
Or Wally and Beaver
 
Klaus:
††††† Who?
 
Dorian:†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Klaus:
††††† Like Batman and Robin††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll come back in moments
Like Tarzan and Boy†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† When he has gone home
Or Simon and Schuster††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll get back my jewels
Or Siegfried and Roy††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll do it alone

Iíll slip into something††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll slip into something
A little less comfortable†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† A little less formal
Maybe something in††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† A little more suited for
Black crepe de chine††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Boarding that boat
And maybe some pearls in†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll get back my jewels
My soft golden curls††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Then blow up that vessel
Maybe I should wear red†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† There wontí be a stick of it
Velveteen††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Left afloat

Iíll grace the scene!

In high heels Iíll vamp††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† By sunrise tomorrow
As a lonely young tramp†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll be back in Munich
And Iíll beguile the Ace††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Iíll get back to business
With my beautiful face††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† And put this aside
Iím sure Iíll get out†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I cannot think clear
With some extras, no doubt†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† With Eroica here
When I get back the††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I canít concentrate
Eberbach family jewels†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† With him right here by my side
 
Dorian:
Goodnight
Iíll see you in the morning light
And weíll set everything to rights
Itís time to go to bed
 
Klaus:
Jawohl
And when you get home, give a call
Or I wonít sleep a wink at all
Until I know youíre home
Itís not because I care
I want to make sure that youíre there.
 
 
 
Scene V
The same pier, later that night. Enter Dorian in drag.
 
Dorian:
All alone, all alone
This sweet thing wandering
On her own

All alone, All alone
On a night for delight
Iím alone

So alone, yes alone
Just a fox on the docks
All alone

Itís a crime that Iím
Undeniably, desirably
All alone

The wind blows sweet with sale sea mist
And the sea is starlight kissed
The moon shines full so white and cold
And Iím here on the pier needing someone to hold

All alone, all alone
Wish I might find a knight†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
(The Ace of Diamonds emerges from
All my own.††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† the boat.)

With a face full of grace
In a pack full of jacks
Heís my Ace
 
Ace:
All alone, all alone
Nevermore, mi amore
On your own

Love has grown, fate has shown
Us together, we need never
Be alone

Itís a night for making love
What were you dreaming of?
Come aboard my ship, ďThe AceĒ
And Iíll sail you to somewhere where
Nobodyís ever been alone, a place
Where diamonds dot the skies
Where emerald oceans stretch forever
Gold-dust beaches rise
And in the amber firelight
Your sapphire eyes, they shine
 
Both:
All alone, all alone
In the dark, what a lark
Sorrowís flown

All alone, yes alone
How weíll sweat when we get
All alone
 
Ace:††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Dorian:
††††† All alone†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† On his ship of fools
All alone†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Klausí family jewel
You and me and the sea
All a-foam††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Itís a perfect ruse
All alone†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† When I finally get them
Whoíd have known†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Heíll be in my debt then
You would charm me and
Disarm me
All††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I might cash in on his passion
Alone†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Alone
 
Both:
††††† Weíre all alone
 
††††† (Dorian and Ace disappear onto the boat. Klaus appears from out of the water and climbs up the side ladder onto the boat)
 
 
 
SCENE VI
On board the boat.
 
Dorian:
What a lovely ship you have, ahÖ?
 
Ace:
Call me Ace, my dear. And what is your name?
 
Dorian:
Erica. My, so many lovely things. Are you a collector?
 
††††† (Dorian casually snoops through boxes)
 
Ace:
I love beautiful things. I love to surround myself with fine treasures.
 
††††† (Ace captures Dorianís hand and kisses it. Klaus peers in through the window.)
 
Dorian:
Treasures? Like gold and jewels?
 
Ace:
You like jewels?
 
Dorian:
What woman doesnít? Shiny things make me Ö amorous.
 
Ace:
Oh? Well take a look at this. Tiffanyís finest!
 
Dorian:
Hmm. Nice. But I prefer antiques. Old jewelry has so much more class.
 
Ace:
Ah, a woman of refined tastes. Well then you must see my latest acquisition.
 
††††† (Ace turns toward the window. Klaus ducks as Ace picks up an ornate box and turns back towards Dorian)
 
I got these from the estate of an old German countess.
 
††††† (Klaus pops back up, irate)
 
Dorian:
Theyíre lovely.
 
Ace: 
Whatís the matter?
 
Dorian:
You said a German countess?
 
Ace:
Yes.
 
Dorian: 
That reminds me of someone.
 
Ace:
Of whom? There is on one but us tonight.
 
††††† (Ace tries to embrace Dorian who eludes his grasp gracefully)
 
Dorian:
Oh? But I feel him here, always with me.
 
††††† (Dorian moves towards the window. Klaus curses and ducks)
 
Ace:
Who is it? Is he dead? No man alive could resist you.
 
Dorian:
He can. He does.
 
Ace:
He is no man then, this fool who says ďnoĒ to you.
 
Dorian:
He doesnít say ďno.Ē He says ďnein.Ē
 
Men have come and gone
Good men, and fine
But none of them could ever toe the line
They offered me fine jewels
Firelight and wine
But still I pine
For the man who says ďneinĒ

The day I met that surly Kraut
I knew what need was all about
I gave my heart, this love of mine
He said, ďNeinĒ

And from there the ardor grew
Hotter, brighter like the sun
Til it burned and blinded me
 
Ace:
††††† Then he is the only one?
 
Dorian:
I love him!
I love him with all that is in me
He is my song, he is my soul
He is the night
Nights spent in satin sheets
The scent of German cigarettes so fine
Iím in love with the man who says, ďNein!Ē
 
Ace:
The fool!
Who could resist such sweetness
He must be blind
This man who says ďneinĒ to
 
Ace and Dorian:
††††† Such sweetness
 
Dorian:
††††† Just to be near him
 
Ace:
How can you love him?
This man who refuses you
How can you
How can ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
Dorian:†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Klaus:
You love him? ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I love him ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† He loves me
I love him with
How can you love him? ††††††††††††††† All that is in me †††††††††††††††††††††† How can he love me?
 
Dorian:
It takes all my strength
To hold onto hope
 
Ace and Klaus:
What hope?
 
Dorian:
Someday heíll love me
Somehow, sometime
Iíll ask, ďDo you love me?Ē
And he wonít say, ďNein.Ē
 
Klaus:
What is he saying
What can he see in me?
 
Ace:
Then love him but be with me
Iíll try not to mind
I promise you, darling
Iíll never say, ďNein.Ē
 
††††† (Ace and Dorian seem to be about to kiss. Klaus drops his flashlight.)
 
Ace:
What was that?
 
Dorian:
Rats?
 
Ace:
Or thieves. Stay here, my pet. I will go and make sure we will be safe tonight.
 
††††† (Exit Ace. Klaus raps on the window.)
 
Dorian:
What are you doing here?
 
Klaus:
Shut up fool and open the window!
 
††††† (Klaus climbs in)
 
Dorian:
Youíre supposed to be at your hotel. We agreed ó 
 
Klaus:
Thatís right! I knew I couldnít trust you! Look at you. You look like a two-pfenning whore!
 
Dorian:
What about you? Where on earth did you find a skin-diverís suit at this time of night?
 
Klaus:
Never mind. (grabs box) Iím taking these.
 
Dorian:
Are you insane? Heíll be back any minute! Let me handle this. You just get out of here.
 
Klaus:
Not a chance. We Eberbachs donít forgive easily. (pulls gun)
 
Dorian:
Put that away and get out of here. I have everything under control.
 
††††† (Dorian tries to take the box from Klaus. Klaus points the gun at him.)
 
Klaus:
Stay back, Eroica. Youíre far too close to my family jewels as it is.
 
Dorian:
Youíre going to glow this for us both!
 
††††† (Klaus backs toward the door, his gun still aimed at Dorian. Ace appears at the door.)
 
Klaus:
You just stay put and I wonít have to shoot you.
 
Dorian:
Look out!
 
††††† (Ace knocks Klaus over the head with the flashlight)
 
Ace:
Erica, are you all right?
 
Dorian:
Is he all right? You didnít kill him, did you?
 
Ace:
No, but it would serve him justly if I did. Now, my dear, what shall we do with the thief?
 
What shall we do with the thief?
The punishment must fit the crime
Iíll throw him from the deck
With a stone Ďround his neck
The sea is where heíll do his time

He will not get away
His debt heíll have to pay
No one dares cross the Ace
Heíll get a taste
A taste of vengeance sweet
 
Dorian:
Donít harm him, Ace, my pet
Such violence youíll regret
A killing such as this
Would taint your kiss
The bitter taste of blood
 
Ace:
I canít forgive
How can I let him live?
He knows to much
 
Dorian:
So do I
Does that mean I die?
 
Ace:
No
I cannot let you go
Even though
You know
Woman, I want you so
But he
He must go
We must throw him overboard
I canít afford to have him
Tell his cohorts
All those bold sorts
Coming Ďround to my cache
Weíve got to stash it
 
Dorian:
††††† Me too?
 
Ace:
††††† Yes youÖ
 
I know it sounds insane
This love I canít explain
But with you as my girl
Weíll own the world
The world is at our feet
But what do we do with the thief?
 
Dorian:
Klaus
Open your eyes, my dear
The end is near
I fear
If we donít get out of here
 
††††† (Ace points the gun at Klaus. Dorian stands between them)
 
Ace:††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Dorian:
††††† I must kill him††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† No, donít kill him
I must kill him††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Must he end up dead?
I must kill him††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I wonít let you kill him
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I will not let blood be shed
 
Ace:
(to Dorian)
††††† My tender-hearted one
 
(to Klaus)
††††† My near-departed one
 
Dorian:
I beg you, set him free
Do this one thing for me
Heís learned his lesson well
Heíll never tell
Youíve got to let him live†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Ace:
I canít forgive†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† I canít forgive
The taking of a life

Take this knife
And drive it through my heart
I thought we had the start
Of a beautiful forever
I can love a jewel thief
But a murderer? Never!
 
Klaus:
Whatís going on here?
I wish my head would clear
That bastardís got my gun
And Dorian
I mean, ďEroicaĒ
 
Ace:
Step back my gentle one
The dread thing must be done
Turn your sweet face away
For blood will spray
And stain your perfect skin
 
Dorian:
Okay
Well, if thereís nothing I can say
Just let me step away
And for you both Iíll pray
 
††††† (Dorian turns as if to go)
 
Klaus:
††††† Is he really going to leave me?
 
Dorian:
††††† Will he catch my signal?
(Dorian rests his hand on a lamp)
††††† Shall I douse the light?
(Ace glance of at him. Klaus gives a thumbs up)
 
Ace:
It seems only fitting
Good night, my thief, good night
 
††††† (Dorian turns off the light. There is the sound of gunfire.
Sirens sound and flash outside the window. 
When the lights come on, only Klaus remains to have to explain to the harbor police who have just arrived.
Dorian and Ace are nowhere to be seen.)
 
Policeman:
Whatís going on here?
 
Klaus:
EROICA!
 
 
 
Scene VII
A police station
Klaus sits in a holding cell.
Three Policemen sit outside at their desks.
 
Klaus:
All alone, all alone
Bet that foolís got my jewels
Hope has flown
Telephoned for a loan
To make bail Ďcause in jail
Iíve been thrown
 
††††† (Enter Dorian dressed as a big German woman)
 
Dorian:
Pool little Klausie, your mamaís right here
Sheíll set her little boy free
Shameful, disgraceful to treat him this way
Strip him and search him and lock him away
Treat him so badly and on his birthday
Now you shall answer to me!

Oh, my darling little Klaus
Mamaís precious little Klaus
Donít you worry little Klaus, my dear
Iíve come to get you little Klaus
Have they upset you little Klaus?
If they had met you little Klaus
Theyíd know that you should not be here

Have you nothing more to do
Than to run around like fools
Arresting good boys such as he
While criminals go free
Donít you realize what youíve done
Captured NATOís number one
And my darling little son
Now get him our!
 
Policeman One:
††††† Who are you?
 
Dorian:
Frau Eberbach
Frau Brunhilde Eberbach
 
Policeman One:
††††† Is this true?
 
††††† (Klaus groans)
 
Dorian:
††††† Eberbachís my name
 
Policeman Two:
Hereís the file on Eberbach
Quite a pile on Eberbach
Wait a while, Frau Eberbach
Weíll take all night
 
Dorian:
††††† For shame, for shame
 
Policeman Three:
These sorts of things take time
Take a look, Frau Eberbach
Theyíll throw the book at Eberbach
 
Dorian:
††††† But heís no crook!
 
Policeman Three:
††††† But Eberbach is charged with something of a crime.
 
He was caught upon the Thames
With a ship of stolen gems
And a loaded PPK
What more need I say
When we gave his boss a ring
NATO didnít know a thing
He was acting on his own
All alone
 
Dorian:
Take my word, Herr Polizist
If youíve heard, Herr Polizist
Be assured, Herr Polizist, youíll see
That the temper of my Klaus
Is like unto a little mouse
Youíve barely heard him start to grouse
He learned to stomp and yell from me
 
††††† (The policemen gather to confer)
 
Policeman One:
††††† Let him go, this Eberbach
 
Policeman Two:
††††† I think so
 
Policeman One:
Frau Eberbachís going to blow
If Eberbach stays here
 
Policeman Three:
††††† NATOís lads are on the way
 
Policeman One:
††††† Do you want to make them stay?
 
Policeman Three:
Gosh, his records look okay
Iíd say that he is free and clear
 
All Three Policemen:
This may seem a small disgrace
But weíd really rather face
The entire NATO block
Than an Eberbach
And with two itís even worse
We could sing another verse
But weíre running short on time
And rhyme
 
Policeman Three:
Beg your pardon, Eberbachs
Frau and Major Eberbach
Allís in order, Eberbach, youíre free
 
Policeman Two:
††††† Thank you much, von Eberbach
 
Policeman One:
††††† Keep in touch, von Eberbach
 
Dorian:
Come to mama, Eberbach
And I will take you home with me!
 
 
 
Scene VIII
Outside the precint. Klaus storms off a few paces,
then stops, his back to Dorian.
 
Dorian: (removing wig)
Are you angry?
 
††††† (Klaus does not respond)
 
Dorian: (shedding costume)
Of course you are. That was quite a scene, no? 
Sorry. I just didnít think it would look right for Eroica to come to the aid of Major von Eberbach. 
That would have gotten you convicted straight away.
 
††††† (Klaus begins to shake)
 
Dorian:
Major? Are you all right?
 
††††† (Klaus starts to laugh, softly at first, then louder)
 
Klaus:
Eroica, you are mad!
 
Dorian:
Oh, is that all? Yes, I am mad. Mad about you, my gallant knight.
 
Klaus:
Some knight. And what a night! Where did you go? What happened to the Ace of Diamonds?
 
Dorian:
I donít know. When I saw the police boats, I fled. I thought you got him.
 
Klaus:
No. When the lights came on, you were both gone. I had to try and explain to the police, but you could see where that got me.
 
Dorian:
Sorry. You know I couldnít stay. Besides, what would it do to your reputation to be found voluntarily in cahoots with the Prince of Thieves?
 
Klaus:
Point taken. But what I want to know is, why the elaborate charade? Why didnít you creep on board and steal what you wanted?
 
Dorian:
I like to check out the new talent on a more personal level. And Iíll tell you what. 
If thereís anything left of the Ace of Diamonds after you get hold of him, I plan to invite him into my inner circle.
 
Klaus:
Iím sure you will.
 
Dorian:
Klaus, are you being crude? My innermost circle consists only of you, my love?
 
Klaus:
Shut up.
 
Dorian:
Sorry. Blew it again, didnít I? And we were having such a lovely talk. Here, will this get my back into your good graces?
 
††††† (Dorian hands Klaus the Eberbach family jewels)
 
Dorian:
I managed to snag these before I jumped ship. Iím sorry I screwed up your plans. And got you hurt. If I hadnít been there, youíd have succeeded.
 
Klaus:
Remember that the next time I tell you to stay out of my business.
 
Dorian:
Yes, Major. Oh, here comes some official-looking types. Guess Iíd better scamper.
 
Klaus:
Eroica? Thank you.
 
††††† (Dorian smiles and hurries away)
 
Klaus:
He thinks of me
As something of a hero
I let him see the side of me thatís strong
He touches me
I show him steel and iron
For if he knew me then heíd learn that
He is wrong

He thinks of me
As something of a villain
Hot-headed Boche who takes his passions cool
For all thatís worth
Iím glad he only sees me
With eyes so blind by love that
He canít see the fool
I am
Or what Iíve become
I couldnít stand the ridicule

I think of him
As something of a godsend
Without his light my days would still be gray
Perhaps someday
Iíll finally understand him
Whatís his magic that makes everything okay?

He thinks of me
As cold and strange and distant
He canít get close, thereís nothing here to see
I think that he
Would be so disenchanted
If he just knew that Iím not full of mystery
Would he
Still love me if he knew
Iím not what I seem to be
Or can he see
The man I really am
Is it him whoís fooling me?
 
 
 
(Fade out. The End.)
 
♪† ©♫† ©

 

 

Eroica