The Ninth Gate


by Kadorienne



INT. SOME RICH GUY'S APARTMENT

JOHNNY DEPP
I am a rare book dealer and a totally unsympathetic character. I smoke while handling books worth thousands of dollars. I will give you $4000 for this copy of Don Quixote and then sell it to some other sucker for way way more than that.

AUDIENCE
You know, you can get an e-text of it for free on the Internet.

JOHNNY DEPP
Shh.

FEMALE & GAY MALE AUDIENCE
Ooo, it's Johnny! He is so cute and brooding!

JOHNNY DEPP
Even playing a scarred pasty guy with knives for hands didn't destroy my pretty boy image. Can't we do something to make me look bad so people will think I'm a serious actor?



WARDROBE PEOPLE
OK, we'll go nerdy. Here's some glasses.

DEPP puts on the glasses.

FEMALE & GAY MALE AUDIENCE
Ooo, glasses! Johnny is so cute!

JOHNNY DEPP
Crap.


INT. SOME RICH GUY'S OFFICE.

FRANK LANGELLA
I played Dracula. I am creepy. I am a corrupt businessman obsessed with Satan. Work for me. You can trust me.

JOHNNY DEPP
OK.

FRANK LANGELLA
Do you believe in the supernatural? Black magic? The Devil? Nudge nudge wink wink.

AUDIENCE
Whoa, that's subtle. I'm sure he isn't going to try to raise the Devil or anything.

ROMAN POLANSKI
What do you expect? All my movies foreshadow with a sledgehammer.



DEPP leaves a Satanic book with another BOOK GUY.


INT. DEPP'S SCUZZY APARTMENT

JOHNNY DEPP
I've played a character who cries, a character who faints, and a character who wears dresses. What else can I do that's sissified?

LENA OLIN
You could let me beat you up.

JOHNNY DEPP
OK. First let me drop my pants so the women and gay men in the audience can hope to see my butt.

He does. Lena Olin beats him up.

FEMALE & GAY MALE AUDIENCE
Aww, we wanted to see Johnny's butt.

INT. BOOKSTORE WITH THE AMBIENCE OF AN OPIUM DEN.

The BOOK GUY who has the SATANIC BOOK gets murdered. This should not lead anyone to suspect that the Satanic book will give you powers.

DEPP has to walk past the BOOK GUY's dead body.

JOHNNY DEPP
Oh, ick.
(makes faces)
Yuck. Ick. A body. I'm ill.

AUDIENCE
This is not Sleepy Hollow! We loved Ichabod Crane, but play another character this time!

DEPP goes to Europe where there are Satanists everywhere because this movie is directed by Roman Polanski.



INT. EUROPE

WEIRD ELDERLY TWINS
Heh heh, this book was written by the Devil. Hee hee hee hee.

JOHNNY DEPP
There is no such thing as a Headless Horseman, I mean the Devil.

WEIRD ELDERLY TWINS
Hee hee hee hee.

They get cigarette ashes on the million dollar book.

DEPP leaves the TWINS. As he is leaving, some scaffolding or something almost falls on him.

AUDIENCE
Whoa, that is spooky. Um...what does it have to do with anything?


INT. SOMEWHERE ELSE IN EUROPE.

DEPP goes to see another Satanist.

SATANIC BARONESS
There is going to be a big Satanic orgy very soon.

AUDIENCE
Oh, goody!

SATANIC BARONESS
Don't smoke when you're handling priceless rare books, you idiot!

JOHNNY DEPP
Oh, good idea.

The Satanic Baroness is killed and her place set on fire.

AUDIENCE
Hey, from the trailers I thought the fire was supposed to be caused by something supernatural. When is the supernatural stuff going to happen?

JOHNNY DEPP
Frank, I think you are killing people and framing me for their murders.

FRANK LANGELLA
Notice that I make no attempt to deny this. Keep working for me.

JOHNNY DEPP
OK.



INT. TRAIN. TRAINS ARE VERY EUROPEAN AND MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE'RE ON JUNIOR YEAR ABROAD.

DEPP is being followed by EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
I am Satanic. You can tell because I have blonde hair and black eyebrows.

JOHNNY DEPP
Who are you? Why are you following me? Why don't you bleach your eyebrows too?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
Sorry, but I answer questions evasively so the audience will find me mysterious. Also, I am imperturbable. Everyone but you has already figured out that I have supernatural powers of some kind. I've decided to follow you around and occasionally help you out of trouble.

JOHNNY DEPP
Why would you want to help an unsympathetic character like me?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
If I explained, I wouldn't be mysterious anymore.

JOHNNY DEPP
OK, I trust you. Would you mind beating me up? That's my sissy thing for this movie.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
Why not wear eyeliner instead?

JOHNNY DEPP
I did that in Don Juan DeMarco.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
OK.

She beats him up.

JOHNNY DEPP
Thanks. I'm going to look for the people who stole the Satanic book from me. Want to come with me?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
What will you do if you find them?

JOHNNY DEPP
Probably hide behind you, like I did behind Christina Ricci and that ten-year-old boy in Sleepy Hollow.

AUDIENCE
Stop that! THIS IS NOT SLEEPY HOLLOW!

 

INT. SATANIC ORGY SITE.

AUDIENCE
Oh, goody! Satanic orgy coming up!

The ORGY is just about to start when FRANK LANGELLA walks in, steals the Satanic book and strangles the High Priestess. Her 50 Satanic friends stand there and do nothing, because that is what movie Satanists always do when their Black Masses are interrupted.

AUDIENCE
What, no orgy?

JOHNNY and EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR run outside. There are a lot of Satanists running around panicking, but we don't find out why because we follow JOHNNY who is following FRANK LANGELLA.

AUDIENCE
Oh, this must be where all the supernatural stuff in the trailer comes in.

FRANK LANGELLA sets fire to stuff.

AUDIENCE
That's it? The movie's almost over. When does the supernatural stuff happen?

JOHNNY DEPP
I now believe in the supernatural, even though nothing supernatural has happened during this movie.

JOHNNY and EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR have wild sex and she looks like she's turning into a demon.

AUDIENCE
That happened in Conan.

JOHNNY DEPP
What is the secret of how to raise the Devil and get cool powers?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR
You have to have the Devil's baby.

JOHNNY DEPP
That's too sissified even for me.

 

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