First: Can you say "spellchecker"? The two authors of Notes From An Abduction (Filling Time And Space) can't. All bad grammar and spelling in the quotations are taken directly from the fic.

The entire first scene is about Dorian in a cell, thinking about the horrible man who's abducted him. (No, it isn't Klaus. The guy's name is Weng Chai.)

By page 3, we have heard a great deal about this evil man; he's a veritable James Bond villain and mass murderer and is keeping Dorian chained up for the usual reason for chaining up a pretty blond. We receive disturbingly prurient hints about what he's been doing with Dorian. Dorian hears his captor's key in the lock... and then there's three stars *** and we cut to the next scene. Should we be disappointed or relieved that we didn't get a more detailed account of Weng Chai's perverse acts?

In the next scene, it takes Bonham a page and a half to explain to Klaus that Dorian is missing and that he would like some help finding him. One paragraph later, Klaus has arrived in Hong Kong, found Weng Chai's palace, raided it, arrested all the bad guys therein, and sent a semi-conscious Dorian to the hospital.

Weng Chai, who sounded like a pretty stellar villain, never even makes an appearance onscreen. And apparently his activities - trafficking in drugs and attractive persons for private use - have been well-known for years, enough that Klaus has no trouble identifying Dorian's kidnapper or locating his lair, but no one's bothered to arrest him up till now.

Klaus and his intrepid alphabets arrest "the inhabitants" of Weng Chai's palace, so presumably the archfiend himself was among them, but there's no actual mention of Weng Chai being arrested or shot or anything. In fact, he disappears completely from the story at this point.

Klaus spends the rest of page five having erotic dreams about, ah, doing to Dorian what we infer Weng Chai was doing to Dorian. Why, Major, I didn't know you were into leather. This makes one of at least three stories I can think of where Klaus sees or hears about Dorian being sexually assaulted and apparently buys a clue from that: "Oh, that's what I'm supposed to do with him!" But he does have a Deep Thought about the weeks of torture, rape, beatings, semi-starvation and drugging that Dorian endured: "No one, not even art thieves should have been put through what the Earl had endured."

We are also treated to a summary of Klaus's taste in women: "True, he'd always been drawn to curly haired blondes. True Nordic blonds with beautiful blue eyes and flawless features. Svelte and long-legged women...."

Would it be impolite of me to point out that he's encountered several women who fit that description in canon and has without exception fled as if they had bubonic plague? And which way are the authors going to spell "blond(e)"?

So a month later, Klaus goes to visit Dorian at Castle Gloria. Dorian reacts a bit oddly to seeing him: "No, no more. I can't bare it!" Interesting; Dorian has never had a problem with baring it before. Perhaps he's embarrassed about the unsightly scars he probably got from the elusive Weng Chai.

So after this pronouncement, Dorian takes off. Klaus chases him around the castle grounds for "several minutes" until he manages to corner him, whereupon he asks after his health. Hm. Well, I suppose if the Major wanted to ask after my health, I might run too.

A brief conversation ensues, in which Klaus is astounded to discover that Dorian is upset and Dorian is astounded to discover that Klaus is displaying some concern. Okay, even for the Major, asking someone if they're feeling better after a month of torture isn't really all that odd.

Angry, Klaus demands, "Who did this to you?!" Turn back two pages, Major; you arrested him.

"No one did anything to me, Major," Dorian answered finally, "or rather, I did it to myself." Hm? Is Weng Chai actually Dorian's secret identity? Did he subject himself to that month of brutality because that's secretly how he gets his kicks? No, apparently Dorian's picked up Klaus's homophobia and decided that he "deserved" his ordeal. How uplifting. Fortunately, no sooner do the authors bring up this concept than they promptly forget it.

Klaus considers this a good time to make a pass. He moves in. Dorian: "'I tried to stay away from you. I swear it, Klaus.' he stammered, both hands now on Klaus's chest, trying to push his way free."

Um, Dorian, you succeeded. He sought you out. He chased you all over the castle grounds.

Dorian starts crying. Klaus finds this extremely sexy and cannot resist any longer (?); he kisses Dorian. "He [Dorian] remembered the only other time Klaus had kissed him. It had been just like kissing a tree." Huh? Is there a prequel? Do the authors think this happened in canon? There was that Persian border incident, but it was clearly Dorian kissing Klaus, not the other way 'round.

Dorian is so stunned that he doesn't believe this is really Klaus... until he starts crying again, and Klaus figures out what to do: he rocks him and hums. This would seem on the face of it to be proof that this is not Klaus but a pod person who has taken over Klaus's body, except that the song he hums is the German national anthem. (Pardon me, but was this notion not screaming to use the Tank Song?)

They decide to go inside to, ah, discuss things. "Klaus... opened the door and with a cold glare, vanquished the servant who stood before them." So hard to get good help these days, they won't even let you back in the house.

Thankfully, the authors, er, heroes were too horny to spend much time on the Understanding Dialogue before getting to the important stuff. Though Klaus does specify, "I want you to come to me of your own will." Um, Major, where exactly have you been during, ah, canon?

At least Klaus doesn't feel any impulse whatsoever to act out his sadistic fantasies now that he's got his hands on the real Dorian. Not even to the innocuous extent of, say, pinning Dorian's wrists to the mattress. All those nasty impure desires - he apparently left them on the plane. Somebody check the Lost and Found.

On the other hand, Klaus doesn't waste any time on foreplay, unless you count undressing them both, but Dorian isn't complaining: "At this moment, all the feelings of depression and pain he'd suffered in Hong Kong disappeared and his heart was washed clean with the love he was receiving." Hear that, guys? Don't bother with foreplay; that's how to show your sweetie s/he's loved!

And suddenly Dorian is in contact with a lot of disembodied body parts. "Those hands", "the warm, heavy body of the German", "strong hands were running over his body", "the broad back", "the firm ass", "the hips". Is Klaus the only person on earth, or at least in this room, who has these organs? Is that why there is no need to state that they are his? "Suddenly, he [Dorian] was being furiously kissed." How nice. By whom? You know, romance editors warn against this very thing.

The, ah, act is described in detail, but no mention is made of lubricant. We have the Slash Default Setting: the taller, darker, more macho guy tops as a matter of course. And the description is about as erotic as the instruction booklet in a box of Tampax. The dire hints of Weng Chai's cruelties - and Klaus's fantasies about them - were far more sensuous. Call me a prude, but I find that a rather worrisome statement about the authors.

Now for mush. In Klaus's first scene, he was thinking thoroughly uncomplimentary thoughts about Dorian. Once he rescued him, he was thinking highly disturbing thoughts about subjecting him to sadistic sex acts. Now he's switched gears yet again, and each time without any apparent reason: now he's in love.

Their banter includes a little bit of incorrect German, and since all the German I know comes from slash fics (what with Klaus and the Hessian Horseman), if I can tell it's wrong that's pretty bad. Klaus proves that he has a sense of humor: "Perhaps we should invite Mr. James in here with us. I'm sure he would appreciate the experience." Yes, I can certainly imagine Klaus making a joke like that. *cough*

The last sentence: "Soft laughter filled the bedroom and two once tortured souls settled into contented sleep."

Dangit, no matter how much caulking I put up, that derned soft laughter keeps seeping in....

Klaus was tortured? In canon, yes, but in this fic? Well, he did seem a wee bit bothered by the sadistic fantasies he was having about Dorian. Wait, the fic doesn't specify to whom the souls belonged. They could be anyone's. All we know for sure is, two sentient beings somewhere in the universe were once tortured and are now having a nice nap.

In any case, there you have the moral of the story: no matter what terrible things might happen to you, a roll in the hay will make it all better.

Snarkage
Eroica